To cut a long story short, our family has just discovered our NPD Dad (in his late 60s). Myself and sister are in our early 40s. The penny dropped for me and my sister just recently, albeit for different reasons. We never had a framework for our fathers unusual behaviour for so long. Our mother held things together and often use to say, "i'm just trying to hold it all together for the sake of the family". In many ways, this didnt do us many favours I feel.
The things we notice the most, recently and over a long period of time:
- an at times severe lack of empathy and\or understanding of other peoples feelings. Due to a neglectful upbringing of his own he is not even sure of his 'own' feelings or how to process them, let alone even start to understand the needs or feelings of others. This probably is the most telling thing.
- superior and haughty behaviour. This often led to embarrassing or inappropriate situations with relatives, friends, colleagues etc. If questioned, he never understood what on earth you were talking about. You are the crazy one for even bringing it up. Also a tendency for over intellectualising conversations, using historic analogies instead of actually discussing the facts or actual situation \ people involved. The result being that is is very frustrating and confusing for the person on the other end of this conversation. ( I must be crazy!
) - the slightest confrontation or attempt at discussion leads to a withdrawl - or occasionally an outrageous verbal attack, typically aimed at our mother. He disappears for weeks or months, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell is going on. On his eventual return, expects the status quo to be returned to normal with NO explanation or apology. Nothing! Again, due to lacking empathy, does not understand how his actions or manipulations could affect those around him - or perhaps does not really care.
More recently he is estranged again from our mother but has been doing curious things such as dropping things off at the house ( as random acts of kindness) but also randomly depositing sums of money into her account. Not sure what to make of this exactly? But I assume its another more overt way of trying to maintain control. She doesn't need the money more to the point. ? Advice welcomed.
Reading everything I can get my hands on without wanting to feel consumed by it all. Life goes on after all. Generally 'my' relationship with him has been fairly smooth, however I have lived away for quite some years now so contact is limited. Maybe this is by unconscious design!
My sis and mother have not been as lucky. This a great forum. Thanks so much!
ps... I have had on \ off counselling for 2 years now for seemingly unrelated issues in my life. I am starting to think there are obvious connections.
