no contact w/ father & brother
Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:53 am
Thank you Dr. McHugh for having this forum and the articles you have written concerning NPD. I recently discovered the forum and the articles, and have appreciated the guidance and the helpful awareness that I am not alone.
I had no idea what NPD was until a counselor suggested the label/diagnosis for my father. My mother died several years ago and my father, while being publicly commandeering and in control during her illness, was extremely emotionally needy in private with myself and others in our immediate family, my brother and his wife. This continued and increased after my mother's death and my father begin to spend more and more time with my brother's family. During the first holiday after my mother's death, my brother came home unexpectedly one day and discovered my father and his wife talking, kissing and embracing passionately. During the subsequent weeks and months, as you can imagine, all hell broke loose and any sense of biological family cohesiveness or support completely disintegrated and has never been restored. My father's response was vehement denial that anything passionate or romantic was occurring. It was only the later confession of my brother's wife that they were indeed having an affair, that the truth came out. I sought out a counselor because I was alone, living in a new city and needed someone to talk to. She suggested the NPD term for my father and pointed me to some helpful books on the topic. As I read about the disorder and other people's experiences with NPD parents, as well as continuing with counseling, many conflicts and difficulties I had experienced with my father and my own personal low self-esteem during childhood and on into adulthood suddenly became more clear and understandable from the point of being a child of a narcissistic parent.
I can't even begin to describe and explain all that has happened. My father remarried and is still alive, but his health is deteriorating. My brother, who I bonded with quite closely after the revelation of my father's affair with his wife, has brought his own issues of self-absorption into the milieu. For lack of better terms, I will describe him as a serial "monogamist" but I have found out over the course of time that his seemingly monogamist affairs, that usually last 1-2 years, are being undermined by affairs with other women on the side. I only found out after his wife's and my father's affair was discovered, that my brother had been involved with other women during his marriage. As you can imagine, my brother and wife are divorced and it was and still is an ugly interface. For several years after the divorce, I was my brother's crying towel, as he broke up with one woman after the next and went through periods of extreme anxiety and depression, that quickly disappeared when he started dating a new woman. The crying towel no longer happens since I put a stop to it after I saw the pattern and realized that it is never reciprocated for my life.
There is just too much to write and so many emotions. A couple months ago, I told both my brother and my father I did not want to interact or communicate with either one of them, unless it was an emergency. There were incidents that precipitated this. My closest friend and the only friend who has offered any sort of attention to the dysfunctional mess of my family, moved half-way across the country and I suddenly feel completely isolated and alone with the neediness of both my father and brother. My initial response and reaction was panic and I think that is part of the reason I have pushed my father and brother away. My brother also approached me with another female relationship situation that appears to have the potential to jeopardize his job position. I just couldn't deal with him and being a crying towel again when I was already feeling so alone myself. I have not spoken with my father for over three months, my brother for two months. The conflicting emotions and feelings are intense. I have a psychotherapist who I have seen consistently during the last few years and I am planning to start visits again since the isolation with all of these issues feels overwhelming.
I appreciate the articles you have written because they deal with the feelings of rage and forgiveness...I still struggle with both of these tremendously. Friends, and even my closest friend who moved, do not seem to grasp the intensity and depth of how this has affected my life and has the potential to continue affecting it unless I am diligent about taking care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have often found myself saying, I can't do this alone, in regards to interacting with my ailing narcissistic father and self-absorbed brother. A close, understanding, non-judgmental friend seems such a necessity right now but nowhere to be found. I am signing up for yoga and meditation classes because these have been helpful in the past and I feel they could be key for helping me, with or without a close friend.
Thank you for having this forum. It helps to write about my situation and it helps me feel less isolated to hear other people's stories and your responses.
David
I had no idea what NPD was until a counselor suggested the label/diagnosis for my father. My mother died several years ago and my father, while being publicly commandeering and in control during her illness, was extremely emotionally needy in private with myself and others in our immediate family, my brother and his wife. This continued and increased after my mother's death and my father begin to spend more and more time with my brother's family. During the first holiday after my mother's death, my brother came home unexpectedly one day and discovered my father and his wife talking, kissing and embracing passionately. During the subsequent weeks and months, as you can imagine, all hell broke loose and any sense of biological family cohesiveness or support completely disintegrated and has never been restored. My father's response was vehement denial that anything passionate or romantic was occurring. It was only the later confession of my brother's wife that they were indeed having an affair, that the truth came out. I sought out a counselor because I was alone, living in a new city and needed someone to talk to. She suggested the NPD term for my father and pointed me to some helpful books on the topic. As I read about the disorder and other people's experiences with NPD parents, as well as continuing with counseling, many conflicts and difficulties I had experienced with my father and my own personal low self-esteem during childhood and on into adulthood suddenly became more clear and understandable from the point of being a child of a narcissistic parent.
I can't even begin to describe and explain all that has happened. My father remarried and is still alive, but his health is deteriorating. My brother, who I bonded with quite closely after the revelation of my father's affair with his wife, has brought his own issues of self-absorption into the milieu. For lack of better terms, I will describe him as a serial "monogamist" but I have found out over the course of time that his seemingly monogamist affairs, that usually last 1-2 years, are being undermined by affairs with other women on the side. I only found out after his wife's and my father's affair was discovered, that my brother had been involved with other women during his marriage. As you can imagine, my brother and wife are divorced and it was and still is an ugly interface. For several years after the divorce, I was my brother's crying towel, as he broke up with one woman after the next and went through periods of extreme anxiety and depression, that quickly disappeared when he started dating a new woman. The crying towel no longer happens since I put a stop to it after I saw the pattern and realized that it is never reciprocated for my life.
There is just too much to write and so many emotions. A couple months ago, I told both my brother and my father I did not want to interact or communicate with either one of them, unless it was an emergency. There were incidents that precipitated this. My closest friend and the only friend who has offered any sort of attention to the dysfunctional mess of my family, moved half-way across the country and I suddenly feel completely isolated and alone with the neediness of both my father and brother. My initial response and reaction was panic and I think that is part of the reason I have pushed my father and brother away. My brother also approached me with another female relationship situation that appears to have the potential to jeopardize his job position. I just couldn't deal with him and being a crying towel again when I was already feeling so alone myself. I have not spoken with my father for over three months, my brother for two months. The conflicting emotions and feelings are intense. I have a psychotherapist who I have seen consistently during the last few years and I am planning to start visits again since the isolation with all of these issues feels overwhelming.
I appreciate the articles you have written because they deal with the feelings of rage and forgiveness...I still struggle with both of these tremendously. Friends, and even my closest friend who moved, do not seem to grasp the intensity and depth of how this has affected my life and has the potential to continue affecting it unless I am diligent about taking care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have often found myself saying, I can't do this alone, in regards to interacting with my ailing narcissistic father and self-absorbed brother. A close, understanding, non-judgmental friend seems such a necessity right now but nowhere to be found. I am signing up for yoga and meditation classes because these have been helpful in the past and I feel they could be key for helping me, with or without a close friend.
Thank you for having this forum. It helps to write about my situation and it helps me feel less isolated to hear other people's stories and your responses.
David