Grieving the loss of my sister

[Lanie]

Hi,

My NM passed away almost a year ago. I had been NC with her for 3 years and through a painful journey, have forgiven her. Through years of triangulation between my NM and GCSis I had finally had enough.

Eight years ago after yet another triangulation, for a lack of better words, my sister quit contacting me. She and my NM were very close. I let her go and after a couple of years I contacted her and asked her if she would go to counseling with me to try to begin understanding the dysfunction in our relationship and try to begin a healthy relationship. She responded by telling me she did not want a relationship with me. I had beat myself up for years trying to figure out how to get both of them to love me. I will have to admit I had been through 2 divorces which I felt extreme shame for, but I remained a fully self supporting single mother. I thought if I had a better husband, a bigger house, more money, ...the list went on and on....that they would love me more. I have been in therapy for at least 30 years trying to understand what what was wrong. Finally, 4 years ago stumbled upon NPD and everything made sense after that.

My NM was the ignoring kind and she nor my NSis contacted me before my NM had brain surgery. I am thankful my ESF felt remorse and called me.. but not until she was in a coma. I felt is was cruel of both of them to not call me. But I struggle because I was NC with them. It was like my NM had already stabbed me but turned the knife after the stab. It hurt. I understand she was mentally ill and I have closure.

For some reason I keep having dreams of my NSis rejecting me. Different circumstances but the underlying theme is the rejection. I know my family and I are healthier and happier without her in my life. I still question what I did so horribly that my sister felt the need to reject me. The only answer I can come up with is that she, like me, just couldn't handle the dysfunction and chose to have NC. But...she has been the Golden Child since she was a little girl. My mother always called her, "Sunshine girl". And she has bizarre behavior..not even speaking to me or my girls at NM's memorial service. I told her again at the Memorial Service that my door was always open and that I love her and how I wish we could resolve our issues while we still have time. She just stared at me and said, "She loved you" and walked away.

I have always been willing to look at my part in the dysfunction and I was definitely willing when I asked my sister to go to counseling with me. Do you think she suffers from NPD herself. The Golden Child who became a N? She must have shunned me to stay in the graces of our NM and just could not handle a relationship with me, the ScapeGoat, and her NM.

I would like to hear your opinion. I need for these recurring dreams to go away. My NM has died, my F has died. I may never know or make sense of her behavior. I feel no anger toward her. Just sadness that I never really had a sister.

Thank you,
Lanie

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Lanie,
Thanks for sharing your story. The sad truth is that nobody escapes scot-free from the effects of having had a narcisstic parent. You have tried hader and harder to be better and better to get what I call "crumbs of love" from your NDP mother, yet it hasn't worked. This is not your fault. But you will be left with scars, mainly in the form of behavioural patterns because of this "desease to please" that was trained into you from birth.
Your sister is the same. She has been affected as well, and you refer to her as the Golden Child. This sounds good, but in the long term it isn't. Because a narcissist cannot have a normal, adult relationship with others, this illness affects both you and your sister.
You would like to work together to be friends with your sister and she refuses. Her comment that "she loved you" shows the damage done to your sister, even though she seems to have been closer to your mother than you. But she has paid a high price for that.
There may be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want you in her life anymore. Jealousy over love, jealous that you "escaped", or she may be a narcissist herself and so cannot relate to you, or have a need to. NPD has both genetic and learned aspects and there is a definite possibility that she has inherited this personality problem.
It is sad that you never had a real sister. You may have to accept that this is the way it's going to continue. However, you can escape from the false beleifs you may have picked up about yourself and your role in your birth family, as these are only beliefs, not a personality disorder. If you need help with this or keep having the recurring dreams of abandonment about your sister, you can contact me so that we can work to cut these strings that are binding you in an unpleasant way to your sister.

Best wishes,

Beth

[Lanie]

Hi Beth,

Thank you for your response. My dreams fluctuate between abandonment and my sister reaching out to me because of something painful that has happened in her life. Two nights ago I dreamed she miscarried and reached out to me. These dreams affect me for the rest of the day. I will contact you because I am having trouble understanding why there are strings that still tie me to my sister. She abandoned me 2 other times in our life stating, "You are no longer my sister". One of those times being right after graduating from college when I refused to let her use my apartment to party with her friends and the other after I began setting boundaries due to the issues of triangulation between my NPD mother, sister, and me. I'll admit that 15 years ago I may not have had the most gentle approach to setting boundaries but I got my message across.

I have let my NPD mother go and now I wish to move on.

Lanie

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Lanie,

If you have successfully gone no contact with your mother it should be relatively easy to sort this problem with your sister. Part of it likely involves a wish to have "some" family, plus it was her who made the choice to cease contact and not you. That makes it harder too.
When you feel ready, let me know and we'll work on resolving this issue and getting you some closure around your birth family.

Best wishes,

Beth