Could use a little help?

[Mrsj122]

Hi, my first time here, and i could sure use some suppport and help at the moment.
I went no contact with my NM last August and was so glad to have made that decision, my brother NM s golden child stopped me in the supermarket on Wednesday and told me NM is crying and misses me and can t i find it in my heart to speak to her. I wasn t expecting it nor was i prepared for it and i have no idea why but i ended up giving him my phone no... mistake.
As soon as i did it i regretted it, Nm was straight on the text to tell me how much she loves me and misses me, i asked her to back off and let me take my time , why oh why do i feel so guilty for her feelings?
I hate feeling like this, i feel i ve let my hubby down now as i swore after the last smear campaign i was never speaking to her again etc, and here i am crumbling at the first meeting of her golden child.
I ve felt so mentally unwell now since, i ve had to take time off my new job which i ve worked so hard for, i feel like im on the edge and now i was stupid enough to give out my number i feel like i have to try again or else i ll be hurting NM again
I feel so very alone and ashamed i ve done this .... Again

[Beth McHugh]

Hi MrsJ,
Try not to be too hard on yourself over this. Adult children of narcissists have been trained to"do the right thing" since birth and it is hard to get out of the habit. But it is only a habit. You could change your phone number, but that may not be possible, or convenient. In any case that is only a bandaid solutionfor the real problem, and that is that you need to learn to set and keep strong boundaries when dealing with a narcissist as they are highly skilled at manipulation and you, as her child, are highly trained to obey.

Try having a read through my articles on NPD on the main website, where I am sure you will resonate with many of the situations you discover there. If you need further assistance in learning about boundaries and basically how to deal with your mother (and your brother!), you might consider booking a session. Having guidance will also speed up the process of detachment from obeying from habit. In the meantime, examine the situation with your brother and think about what compelled you to hand over your phone number, which is actaully a piece of yourself, to your mother. Once that is sorted you will be in a better place not to repeat it.

Best wishes,

Beth