Need help with father with NPD.

[kath00]

Hello all,

I have been reading your excellent articles and really appreciate all of the time you have put into writing them! I would like to ask for some help in regards to my father, who fits every single criteria for NPD (although I didn't realize this until recently).

He recently visited me and my family and despite me promising myself not to get into an argument with him, we of course had a huge blow up over something very small (won't go into details but it resulted in him blurting out over and over again that I love my dog more than him ). Now we are again not talking to eachother. Previous big argument was 1 1/2 years ago when he bought a $125,000 Mercedes and I told him that was not a wise financial move (parents are retired, etc). I apologized after 3 months of not talking to him because my mom really wanted us to keep the peace and have a nice Christmas together. I listened to him tell me for 1 1/2 hours on the phone that he has never made a single mistake in his life, that I must respect him 100% from now on and never question his judgment on anything or else we can't "move our relationship forward." I gritted my teeth, agreed to everything he said and we had a quiet Christmas. Then we had an ok year with only a few visits that went uneventfully, mostly because I made myself promise not to react to anything he said.

Anyway, I am tired of these cycles that you well describe in your articles. But he is almost 70 and his health is not great so I feel very guilty when I don't talk to him. The funny thing is that all of my life growing up, he didn't really "abuse" me in the typical sense you describe. He didn't put me down or treat me like I was worthless. It was just the opposite. He thought I was a goddess and the only person who could "understand him." In his eyes, I was a genius (like him). Once I left for college, I caught on to the strangeness of this but it just gave me confidence in my endeavors.

I have grown up with what I think is a healthy sense of self and I don't suffer from depression, anxiety or self loathing or anything. I have a wonderful family and a successful business. I have close friends and a sister who hides 3000 miles from the family to avoid them, although she does her duty of making calls once a week and generally agrees to everything my father says.

However, I am really at a loss as to how I can deal with my father. Do I continue to give myself space from him (which makes me feel good temporarily until the worry about his health and the fact that he may die sometime soon takes over)? Or do I again apologize and feed into his ego and grin and bear it some more, until the next big blow up. I have come to DREAD his visits because I don't feel like I have any hope of avoiding some meaningless argument/blow up.

I really don't know what to do. It's soooo hard to be around him even for 24 hours. But I don't want to push him away forever until I lose him to his heart condition. And I know he is at home feeling lonely and sad too. So I feel more guilty about that too...

Please help! Kathy

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Kathy,
As this is a forum I don't really have the latitude to go into great depth about the best way to handle your father. You mentioned the relationship changed when you went to college, -- this is intersting in itself.
If you have read all of my articles on this subject (and you can find them by clicking at the top of the page to return to the main website), you will see that in some articles I refer to the fact that as the narcissist ages, the symptoms increase. This is likely happening in your case. Basically everyone with an NPD parent has three choices to make. Cease contact completely (this is not recommended without therapy as it may harm the client more than the narcissitist), keep the status quo (and keep the sadness, rage, grief, etc) or find a better way to interact with the parent and change the way you perceive your parent. The latter can be difficult because the NPD parent has actually been unconsciously and consciously grooming the adult child over their lifespan to have certain thoughts and beliefs and both themselves and the parent. It is up to the client to decide what way to go with a problem like this. If you need help in changing the way you handle your father and especially in dealing with guilt, you are welcome to comtact me for a session. I'm glad the articles helped!

Best wishes,

Beth

[kath00]

Thanks Beth. I would love to have a session. I am reading an excellent book I just got recommended from a friend called Disarming the Narcissist. I am almost finished with it and it's been very helpful so far for me, although I still have not spoken with my dad since our fight 2-3 weeks ago...

I was going to ask if you could elaborate a little on what you said about the narcissistic parent "grooming themselves and the child" to have certain beliefs as they grow up. This is not something the book addresses.

And yes, my father has definitely gotten worse and worse as time has gone on, although as we have become more independent (having our own families, lives, social support, etc), I feel like he is "losing the grip" on us so he is trying even harder to compensate by being MORE narcissistic when he is interacting with us. I am not sure if that makes sense but that's the way I see it.

I also see him now "moving on" to my oldest daughter, who is a wonderfully polite 11 year old girl. This last visit, he monopolized her for almost 2 hours one night, just talking AT her, while she politely listened. I really, really don't want her to have to deal with this and although she clearly doesn't understand the undercurrent of issues in our relationships, I had to get her out from under him. She's becoming who I was to him as a child (someone else to impress and manipulate).

Katherine

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Katherine,
Yes, narcissists do get worse as they get older, one of the reasons is that their ability to control others lessens as they age and this is more than they can handle. So they become nastier and more aggressive, and even more manipulative.
It does help to read as much as you can but no book can cover everything. The grooming process I spoke about is actually more akin to brainwashing. The child of a narcissist knows no other world than that presented by the NPD and so they have no outside gauge to compare what their parent says to what is actually true. Hence a narcissitic person can easily convince their child that the parent is wonderful, kind, thoughtful, clever, etc simply by pointing out isolated incidences that the parent does that do not necessarily mean that the parent is kind, etc. For instance, a narcissist may do a favor for a neighbor but s/he is only doing it because next week they want to borrow their ladder. But they point out to their impressionable child how "good " they are but the child hs no idea of the manipulation going on. This is a simplistic, idealised situation but later the adult child finds it difficult to see their parent in a true light because they have been groomed from birth to think that their parent is wonderful, and better than them simply because the NPD believes they are wonderful and aren't backward in coming forward about it. Modesty is not one of their strong points!
If you would like to have a session, just click on the top of the page and go to the Services page.

Best,

Beth

[1anda2]

Hi Katherine,
I found your letter interesting as I read it... it sounds like we have the same father! Except mine is 93 years old and going strong. His behaviours have gotten so much worse, and a couple of short hospital stays were just awful. He lost the ability to differentiate between his dreams and reality... even though he says he's never had dreams. His contradictions and hypocracy are so infuriating. Speaking of brain-washing, his experiences in WW2 were the best years of his life, yes, he's a brain-washed German! He still compares everything to then, the past, the culture, and nothing else is as good. Generalizations are a normal part of his 'sermons'. And yes, he talks at you. What makes it even worse, is he's got profound hearing loss, but makes 101 excuses for it and won't allow himself a weakness. The using of other people, manipulation, he does that too. He also has incorrect memories, all which put me at some fault. The latest tale he told me was that I had lack of oxygen at birth, and they were told that I'd have learning issues, and that people with this condition are known to break up families! He had to tell me this in the hospital, in his loud voice, before he died!! My sister, who I have no relationship with, lives 3000 miles away, and can do no wrong - she's diagnosed as genius. Dad's all about education. Takes credit for everything good in my life... but never has listened to me. His oxygen story might explain it, but it doesn't excuse it. Today, my son came with his wife for a short visit - something that doesn't happen often. Dad talked about himself the whole time, and at the end said that old people need others to adjust to them, and like to be asked questions. So if we didn't have questions, we shouldn't bother to visit. Stupid stuff like that comes out of his mouth, and I don't know how to let it slide off my shoulders. I'm seeing a counselor soon, & hopefully they'll have some suggestions.
I need to honestly say that I've let go of any guilt... I've stopped caring. He won't listen/can't hear/ said he doesn't want to hear me. So I can't help him.... I've tried enough. I've let go. I don't care about pleasing him any more, because it'll never happen. I'm still fighting with him in my head too much - the dialogue goes on. I have no affection for this jerk who's my father. But I'm doing my duty to help him in old age. He lives alone in his own home. I can't stand being with him, period, for any length of time. After each visit I have more depression. I could go on & on, about his need to be in control, his military attitude to everything, his arrogance, inconsideration for the viewpoint or feelings of others, his lack of manners, his withholding of truth, his family history of this (his sister was the same - and I get support from my cousin) etc.... On top of a sister who is the same way - I can't deal with her either - they're 2 peas in a pod. She doesn't even want to hear about me, but Dad expects me to listen to him tell me all about her! I'm the one left here to deal with this crap, and I've heard often that the one closest gets the worst deal. They get all the shitty behaviour dumped on them... please excuse my french!
I believe his behaviour added stress to my mother's life so much, that her heart failed and she got cancer. I don't know how anyone could live with this. She was such a healthy, fit person her whole life... Between her & my sister... her stress must have been awful. We were very close, and she told me a lot.
I vow to outlive him, and not let him do the same to me. I need to keep calm, and let it go. Easier said than done.
Thanks for listening... good luck & take care!
Ann

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Ann,
Your father does sound like a classic case and if there is any dementia present it will exacerbate it to warp speed dimensions. You are doing well to have got the level of detachment you are already at and I wish you success with your therapist. The secret of getting out of this sticky web of narcissism is to recognize your own false beliefs that were instilled in you from childhood by your father and eradicate them systematically. This can take time so be patient with yourself. You may also have to address the role your mother played in the family dynamic -- this will allow you to dissipate some of the feelings you have towards your father and help you to detach even more. If you need additional help, you can away contact me by clicking the link above.

Best wishes,
Beth

[1anda2]

Oh thanks Beth for your speedy reply! Your comments make so much sense, and are very helpful. There is a lot of hurt & damage done by my father... my mother would be rolling in her grave now if she knew how bad he was getting... her last words to me were "be kind to him", because she knew we never got along. It is a relief to know what the reason was, finally, and have a label for it! Unfortunately, with his bad memory, he's telling things that I know are not true. I've always looked up to him and taken him seriously, so now, it's really hard to change a lifetime of reaction, and not take it all personally.
I am on cymbalta. I lost my daughter to cancer, at the age of 13. She & I spent over 200 days in the hospital together... my parents visited only once... and didn't come to the funeral because they were away, living their own lives somewhere, and couldn't bear the pain. So I have no trouble detaching myself! My problem is eradicating those beliefs, as you say. How does one do that?! I wish I could eradicate memories, but that is not possible. How does one stop the dialogue within?

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Ann,
First of all you have to find out what the beliefs are that are holding you back. This is done during therpay and I use a 50+ question questionniare to firstly sort out if the parent under consideration is indeed a narcissist and not suffering from some other personality disorder.
Then I ask the client questions about certain ways they feel towards their parent and that reveals many of the beliefs that we are looking to eradicate. The vast majority of these beliefs will be false but they have very deep roots. I then get the client to look at the validity of these beliefs which, over time, will change from being seen as logically invalid, and yet, in the heart, are still too hard to let go of. Once the client is at this stage it just takes time until the heart catches up with the head. That is the best way I can describe the process, which after all, takes place both consciously and subsciously. But in time the light suddenly comes on and then, ping! it all starts to fall into place. If I can be of help, just contact me.

Best wishes,Beth