How do you forgive the enabling parent?
Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:25 pm
I am the daugther of a NM. I have chosen NC due to the unbearable terms of having a relationship with her. She has behaved outrageously with things I cannot forgive her for and which are too personal to mention in my history below. I tried many times but failed to reconcile with her. I don't love her anymore and only care about contact with the rest of my family. Especially my father. I love my father. He was an intelligent, caring man who slowly lost his courage and his identity over the years. Now he is a reflection of my NM. He used to discretely support me without NM knowing with kindly gestures and supportive quiet talks. That was a long time ago. Now, has this wilful blindness to her faults and will support her lies unconditionally. When challenged about her cruelty he says, "I have to support my wife". I said, "What about supporting your kids?" No answer. He rang me today and said quietly, "This contact thing is too stressful." I know I will never hear from him again. I feel conflicted. I am angry at him for treating me like I'm expendable. I have given him unconditional love all my life. I even saved his life in an accident once. I don't believe the PTSD can fully excuse him for being so weak willed. Should I be worried about his care?
History:
I am a 36yr old adult child of a NM. I have two brothers and I am the middle child. My enabling father is a war veteran who is TPI with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ironically, my NM is his official carer. My brothers and I were abused by both our parents with sessions of bullying. If we did something wrong (like forgetting a chore), we could get a 1 to 2 hr long sesion where we would be reminded of all our past wrong doings and belittled for them. We were reminded of all our parents have done for us and blamed for causing stress with our father's illness. These sessions were orchestrated by my NM but delivered with equal enthusiasm by both parents. The sessions stopped only when one or all three of us were crying and apologising and our feet were numb from standing still for so long. Afterwards we would be sent to our separate rooms to "think about what we've done". This was hard to do since by then we were emotionally drained and had forgotten the sin that started the session. Sometimes my father would later seek me out and apologise for going overboard, always blaming his illness. Yet, his love, his hugs and sincerity were genuine. At odd moments, he would try to make it up to us kids by having fun days with us with go carts, games at the park, or just spending time with us. My NM came to my room once after one of these sessions. It was only time I had ever seen her cry. She said, "I should never have had children. It's been so hard on me with your father's illness." I actually felt sad for her that I was born.
I was about 15yr old when I started challenging my parents logic. I wasn't trying to be obstinate. My pathetic whimpers were labelled backchat and earned me their focussed wrath. I was despised by my brothers for making the sessions longer. I was a nerdy straight A student who had become the family scapegoat. By the time I was 17, I confronted my mother and told her I wanted to behave like an adult and that I wasn't going to cry everytime there was an argument. I thought she would respect this statement. Instead, I got 3 days of silent treatent. The rest of the family were not to speak to me either. My brother whispered to me "Just apologise to her". I said, "I don't know what for." He said, "So what. Just apologise." My brother and I are made of different stuff. One the third day she kicked me out. I wasn't permitted to take more than a few clothes in a bag becuase I never paid for anything, so nothing was mine.
With 50 cents in my pocket and nowhere to go, I lived in various refuges for a year. I lied about my skills and got whatever work I could get bluffing my way through hospitality jobs. I got myself into uni and in lived in crappy share accomodation until I could afford a rental unit on my own. I was in contact with my older brother who also went to uni. I receved a 4 page letter from NM detailing how i was the cause of all the problems in the family, how everything has been much better since I was gone, that everyone agreed i was a b@#$h and that maybe one day she would forgive me. She never said what for. My father sought me out after a couple of years without NM knowing. He asked me to go and apologise to NM because he missed me and he wanted the family together. I told him I didn't know what to be sorry for. He said, "Make something up. Do it for me?" I smiled and said "sure".
I did what he asked. NM was pleased. Eveyone was pleased for a while. It didn't last long before she started heckling me. I tried to reason with her. I wasn't allowed to talk about the past with her because she had told people (including my brothers) I was a problem child and had runaway from home. I was expected to support her lies.Three times I had to cease contact with her and then tried again later to get along. The next couple of times was because of her outrageous behaviour that I don't won't to mention here.
I am now happily married with one child and another on the way. My husband is a good man and wonderfully supportive. I just wish I could get over this hang up about my father.
History:
I am a 36yr old adult child of a NM. I have two brothers and I am the middle child. My enabling father is a war veteran who is TPI with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ironically, my NM is his official carer. My brothers and I were abused by both our parents with sessions of bullying. If we did something wrong (like forgetting a chore), we could get a 1 to 2 hr long sesion where we would be reminded of all our past wrong doings and belittled for them. We were reminded of all our parents have done for us and blamed for causing stress with our father's illness. These sessions were orchestrated by my NM but delivered with equal enthusiasm by both parents. The sessions stopped only when one or all three of us were crying and apologising and our feet were numb from standing still for so long. Afterwards we would be sent to our separate rooms to "think about what we've done". This was hard to do since by then we were emotionally drained and had forgotten the sin that started the session. Sometimes my father would later seek me out and apologise for going overboard, always blaming his illness. Yet, his love, his hugs and sincerity were genuine. At odd moments, he would try to make it up to us kids by having fun days with us with go carts, games at the park, or just spending time with us. My NM came to my room once after one of these sessions. It was only time I had ever seen her cry. She said, "I should never have had children. It's been so hard on me with your father's illness." I actually felt sad for her that I was born.
I was about 15yr old when I started challenging my parents logic. I wasn't trying to be obstinate. My pathetic whimpers were labelled backchat and earned me their focussed wrath. I was despised by my brothers for making the sessions longer. I was a nerdy straight A student who had become the family scapegoat. By the time I was 17, I confronted my mother and told her I wanted to behave like an adult and that I wasn't going to cry everytime there was an argument. I thought she would respect this statement. Instead, I got 3 days of silent treatent. The rest of the family were not to speak to me either. My brother whispered to me "Just apologise to her". I said, "I don't know what for." He said, "So what. Just apologise." My brother and I are made of different stuff. One the third day she kicked me out. I wasn't permitted to take more than a few clothes in a bag becuase I never paid for anything, so nothing was mine.
With 50 cents in my pocket and nowhere to go, I lived in various refuges for a year. I lied about my skills and got whatever work I could get bluffing my way through hospitality jobs. I got myself into uni and in lived in crappy share accomodation until I could afford a rental unit on my own. I was in contact with my older brother who also went to uni. I receved a 4 page letter from NM detailing how i was the cause of all the problems in the family, how everything has been much better since I was gone, that everyone agreed i was a b@#$h and that maybe one day she would forgive me. She never said what for. My father sought me out after a couple of years without NM knowing. He asked me to go and apologise to NM because he missed me and he wanted the family together. I told him I didn't know what to be sorry for. He said, "Make something up. Do it for me?" I smiled and said "sure".
I did what he asked. NM was pleased. Eveyone was pleased for a while. It didn't last long before she started heckling me. I tried to reason with her. I wasn't allowed to talk about the past with her because she had told people (including my brothers) I was a problem child and had runaway from home. I was expected to support her lies.Three times I had to cease contact with her and then tried again later to get along. The next couple of times was because of her outrageous behaviour that I don't won't to mention here.
I am now happily married with one child and another on the way. My husband is a good man and wonderfully supportive. I just wish I could get over this hang up about my father.