NP Mother

[RainKeeper]

Hello all, I am new here.

I have been dealing with a narcissistic mother most of my life, but most recently was able to put a name to her behavior. I feel so free knowing that it's not me and that she has a personality disorder. Most of my life she has been very argumentative if I don't agree with her every thought or criticism. She has all of the traits; lacks empathy, falsifies her accomplishments, uses people to her advantage, exploits the kindness of others, deems herself as better than most people, believes herself to be superior in comparison to others, uses manipulation, zooms in on the weaknesses of others and uses it to her advantage. At one point when I didn't have a term to describe her behavior, I just considered her to be possessed by some demonic entity.

In 2009 my partner/mate of 15 years passed away. Before his passing, he was very sick. I encouraged him to go to the hospital where he was admitted for 3 weeks. My mother was also ill, but not as sick as he was, so I had to turn my attention towards his care, while looking after my mother when I could. During the first week of his hospital stay, my mom called my cell. She asked if my mate was okay, and I tried to explain that his condition was serious and that I didn't want to really talk about it. I learned from many years of my mother's behavior that she doesn't really care about others. She just pretends to. So I learned to keep personal information to myself. I always hide my life from her as much as I can so that she can't criticize. I went on and gave her a little bit of information concerning his condition letting her know that things weren't looking so good. She then pretended to care by giving me a blank response, the asked with enthusiasm if I could pick her up a loaf of bread. I said okay in a low tone... just not feeling any love for what I was being faced with. I knew that she didn't really care about my partner's condition and that she was preparing to ask me for something.

I am so use to her responses... she's either blank or just totally lacking empathy. So when I left the hospital that night, I was tired. My mother only eats Mother's bread, which meant that I would have to drive to the major grocery store, park and walk through the grocery store just to get one item. So I didn't pick up the bread. Partly because I felt that at this time, I needed family support which I wasn't getting. Just more request for me to do everything for my mother. My mother's sister worked 2 minutes away part time and was available to run my mother's errands if need be. But my mother only wants to run me around. Which I don't mind.. it's just that I was fearing for my partners life.

So I never picked up the bread. The next morning I arrived at the hospital early to catch up with my partners doctors. Once settled I called to check on my mom. She was so highly upset that I didn't pick up the bread. This is when she treats me with her conditional love. When I get to see the other side of her who only loves me when she has my full attention and when I'm running around trying to make her happy. She then asked me in a cold tone "why didn't you pick up my bread?" I explained that I was tired. I explained that I am worried about my partner. I explained that his health is failing and that he needs me. I need to also take care of myself right now.

She hung up on me. I call back... and asks if she could lean on my aunt for now (her sister who works exactly down the street). I explained that I can't do everything the way that everyone wants me to do it. She reluctantly agrees and asks her sister to pick up a loaf of bread. She was so upset with me and cold and lacking empathy. Every time I would call to check on her, she was cold and treating me with her conditional love. I had to distance myself from her during his last days. On the night that he passed away, I was there with him at the hospital. I called my mom to inform her of his death.... and she was still mad at me, yet mustered up a bit of care when she heard me cry.

There were other events that I had to deal with concerning his family before and after the funeral. All the while my mother and I got into many arguments. She kept saying insensitive things like... "Oh your leaving out, you look so nice... maybe you'll find another boyfriend." Or "Why don't you get dressed and go out and find another boyfriend." My current partner hadn't been buried for a month yet. He was a very good man... he was always good to me and the only one to every show me what unconditional love feels like. In my mind, no one can take his place.

After awhile I had to distance myself from my mother, with the holidays coming up.. I was missing my partner so much and went into a depression. I picked up about 50 pounds, just eating and sleeping through the holidays alone. My family wasn't very supportive because she had all of them mad at me over the bread situation. Then one day, while going through the depression my mother kept calling me. I wasn't avoiding her calls, I couldn't make it to the phone in time.. so I just fell asleep. I figured she was okay if she was calling. I called her back and she was angry at me saying "I could be dead here and your not answering the phone!"

Then I got upset and said, "Well Ma, I'm going through my own stuff right now. I'm dealing with some sort of depression with Henry being gone now and maybe I need a little support or time to myself." Then she hung up on me. It's like I'm never suppose to have any feelings. I am to only think of how she feels and anticipate her needs. She is only happy with me and loving me when I do what she wants. Later that night, she had the whole family call me. I didn't answer. They weren't calling to check on me, they were just calling to see if I would answer the phone. She was just trying to prove her point. That I wasn't answering her calls.

Anyway, over the next few months family stepped in to cook her meals. Over the holidays they stopped by to make sure she had Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner, while leaving me out. When I would call, she would brag about how everyone is stopping by to make sure she had food, and bread... etc. I just was so hurt because I really needed more family support to help me through.

I decided to do a search on the internet to understand why my mother acted this way. I looked up keywords like "selfish, superiority complex.. etc" and found the term narcissistic. I began to read more about narcissism and learned that she suffers from all of the traits. I bought a book that taught me more... and I worked through work sheets... they helped a lot. I am now reading another book entitled "Trapped In The Mirror'. So far, its a good read.

My mother's narcissism, caused me to have co-dependency issues. I would like to stop being co-dependent. I take care of everyone, but myself. I want to stop doing that, but it's a bad habit.

Anyway, that's a small part of my story and what I'm dealing with today. My mother being sick and family supporting her and not really supporting me. They don't realize that when you're the sole caregiver for an elderly mom.. it takes away from your own life. Sometimes I just need help and some understanding.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Rain,
Thank you for sharing your story about your mother. From all you say she certainly sounds like she suffered from NPD plus has the charm and manipulative skills to fool others. At least you now have a name that explains your mother's behvior and understand that she will never and can't change. Accepting the loss of a mother can be difficult and I'm not sure if you are at the stage of still trying to pleaase her. If you need help in detaching emotionally from your mother and coping with tthe associated anger and grief you can always contact me if you feel counselign would help you get through this stage. The co-dependency has evolved from a need to please the unpleasable but if you resolve the false beliefs that are present in your relationship with your mother then the "co-dependency " will abate.
Best wishes,
Beth

[RainKeeper]

Hi Beth,

Thanks for reading all of that. I have been considering counseling/therapy for awhile. I would really like to transform my life. I just wonder, what will counseling entail? I've never had one on one counseling. I'm in a situation where I really can't disconnect completely from my mom because she is sick with severe stage emphysema. I don't really know what to expect once she passes. I sometimes feel that I will be relieved. But during a recent hospital scare concerning my mom, I missed her and was scared while she was away in the hospital (for just a day). I was surprised at how I missed her. I was scared to be alone.

In my mind I have all of these thoughts of how she was in the past. Charming, charismatic and attention getting. Then on the other hand she could be cold, selfish, blank,un-empathetical and emotionally disconnected. She could also be physically abusive, temperamental and evil. But when I see her manipulating me and other through her frail body and still doing the same negative things, but in a more fragile body... I dislike what she does and I want to run away from her, but I also feel so sorry for her. I try all the time, to reason with her so that she can understand how insensitive and critical she can be.

I love my mom and I still care for the softer side of her... or maybe she isn't soft at all. Maybe it's just an illusion that I keep falling for. Now that she is older and dependent upon others for her safety and over-all care... she tries to be more thoughtful... but sometimes I feel that is just another manipulation. She knows that you can get more with honey then with salt.

So I really would like counseling, I just wonder if you can explain how counseling will help me because I need an emotional make-over lol. I am currently in a self-help counseling session for overeating. Trying to get to the root of my issue, which so far appears to be frustration I think. But what I'm exactly frustrated about is hard to pin-point. I do remember how my eating disorder began. I was a very picky eater before going into my mother's care. I was thin and not very interested in food. Once in my mother's care she beat me with her fist for not eating my eggs. She went bananas on me. I was 7 and I remember how terrified I was that it wasn't just a spanking, but almost as if she was fighting me, punching me in my arm, screaming and then she burst out into crazy tears. From that day on, I was afraid that if I didn't eat, I would be severely punished. She would also put sugar on my food to make me eat things I didn't like. So I believe this was the beginning of my eating disorder. I've been chubby and pudgy ever since.

Once I gained alot of weight when my favorite aunt passed away. One night, my mother took me to her room and told me to look in the mirror. She kept pointing her evil finger and said "look at yourself." "Don't you see how fat your face is?" "When are you going to love yourself." I wanted to love myself, I just didn't know how. I am able to lose weight. I've lost 90 pounds before and it felt so good. I am always so proud of myself when I lose the weight... and you know.. she never noticed when I did. I would say, Ma... I lost 90 pounds can you tell? Then she said, "turn around"... and just gave me a blank response. Its like she didn't want me to lose it or want me to be happy.

I do understand somethings about helping myself, like using affirmation to combat negative self talk. But I would like to align with the life I envision in my heart. What is the first steps? Thank you -- RainKeeper

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Rain,
Counseling is designed to help a person deal better with problems they are experiencing in their lives. These problems can be many and varied, some are fixable, some must be accepted because they are permanent (such as a permanent health condition). Counseling helps the client to look at their problems or false beliefs about theirsituation in a different way so as to find healthier ways of dealing with their lives.
Best,
Beth

[oliste]

Hello,

I just joined this forum.
I have an N mother. I am now 42 years old.
I have gone through most therapies, self help classes and healthy diets, trainingforms and mental visualization exercises under the sun- in order to handle myself and my relationship with my mother.
I now meet her twice a year and set up strict boundaries with my loving husband as a saving saint in the middle. We only meet for one hour maximum each time. I also throw in some phonecalls when I have the strength to "handle " her, but still get crushed on a regular basis. I suffer and cry , but not as often as before. I miss the mother, the love, the kindness and "spending time with a caring mother and just being: cooking, sowing, wathiing TV or baking". I feel a tinge of jealousy when I see others who have it. I get so much love from my husband and his wonderful family. I have also found extra families that fulfill a part of my need for security and love. My brother and I are alienated as a consequence of my mothers' doings and whenever we attempt to meet she gets furious and tries to prevent it. Otherwisw I would have been a part of his loving family and been an aunt to his two kids when needed.

My question is this:
Would it help me to move forward to meet a counselor that specializes in narcissism. It would be a relief to talk to someone about my N mother and the way I've crushed myself in the process of trying to save her.I have talked about this with my previous therapists, but never with someone who specializes in narcisssism. I often wonder: "why didn't my therapists ever say that mother was a Narcissist? Did they hide it from me and expect me to discover it for myself or did they just not get it? I feel like the entire story with my mother is a secret nightmare that nobody else has or ever will acknowledge. Except me.

Should I find a group of people that meet and share their experiences of having N mothers? perhaps that is a better way to go. I still feel so alone and still think: " Am I crazy? Why didn't everyone see? Why didnt they save me?".
I realized my mother was a N 4 years ago but the realization didn't sink in until I had ended my therapy.it was frustrating to talk with those threapists all those years and never touch on the fact that I had a N mother.
I am in a beautiful relationship- no desire to have kids. Relatively successful in my job as an actress- but stillstruggling with a lot of stuff that prevents me from really succeeding in my profession. also struggling with money issues and feeling worthy and trusting that I am good enough.I am feeling better and better and do not want to dig up old stuff and rehash it..... What do you suggest?

Kindly

oliste

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Oliste,
Sorry for the delay in posting but my books have been closed due to client overload.
It sounds like you have come a long way in setting boudaries with your mother which is great but the grief lives on. This is a normal part of the process of dealing with a NPD parent. If you would like help in continuing the process of dealing with a narcissistic mother simply contact me at Services on the main website.

Best wishes,

Beth

[meldav]

Dear RainKeeper

Firstly I am so very sorry for your loss, Henry was (and still is) as massive part of who you are today ... In my opinion, you need time for YOU, please let the rest of the family worry about your NM !!

Until you feel well enough, and have mourned enough, only then can you be truely strong enough to cope with your NM again - if indeed you 'should or shoould not' continue contact with her - thats your descision...

You have been through (and survived) like me a VERY NM !!
The violence in your younger years i VERY much understand, the pain and fear you suffered

Take care you you, for a change mel xx

[BKiddo]

Rain, first off my prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for your loss!!! I can empathize with your situation...my NPD mother has done the same with the loss of my dads mom, my brothers wedding, my wedding..its completely mind boggling how they can always make it about them. I just recently discovered my mother is NPD after y27 years of emotional and physical abuse.
I don't know if you believe in God (none of my business ) but know that you are in prayers