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In reading about narcissism in all support groups, I noticed there is always terror in the experience with a narcissist. I felt this fear when I lived with my enabler sister and her narcissist hubby. The hostility was always in his aura. I suppose because I would always say no to his plans since they were not reasonable. For example, he would like to take my daughter to a dinner or some social activity even on a school night irregardless of the time she got home or if she had work to do or had to get up early the following day. Even if I politely say no, I could feel his belligerence and I suspect he would lash out at my sister. Towards the end of 3 months, I got so terrorized we left and stayed with a friend. The fear was so great. I just want to understand why these Ns wreak so much fear in others.

Eve

n

So why are you staying? I hope it is not an intrusion to ask. You may not answer if you don't want. It is ok. I know I could not stand being with my enabler sister and her N hubby. It terrorized me too much. Now that I am out of their home, I am willing to have one less sister.
If it is love you want, the N will not give it to you. He will only use you for his N supply. Goodluck.

n

I understand how difficult your situation is. It is hard when it is your mother because there is always that bond between mother and child. My case was much easier because it was my sister and her hubby. Easy to leave and decide to burn bridges with them. But a mother is different. I hope you can come to a decision that will make you happy. Good luck.

NPD patient- its trouble. Do you think like that? No, I think its your inner feeling and I know that everyone can deal with some care & love with the help of a good psychiatrist. I've never faced a situation yet where I have to stay for a long period of time with a narcissist patient but still I can feel the fear in your writing.

There is often fear in dealing with a narcissist for many reasons, ususlly based on the relationship between you and the narcissist.

If the narcissist is your boss, the fear is obvious. In my blogs on NPD, there is an article on When your Boss is a Psychopath. When the narcissist is your mother, the fear often involves separation from her (at least psychologically) in order to survive. Then when you confront your mother's narcissistic behaviours and refuse to play the game, you are startingto break the mold and that can be scary too. Anything that challenges the narcissist will bring out seemingly unpredictablem behaviour so that can be scary too.

Your BIL's behavior involves the threat of violence and that is yet another aspect that is not peculiar to narcissits but it is possible that he has a sadistic streak. I wouyld need more information to do a proper diagnosis. In the meantime, read up my articles on this site on NPD and just having a better understading of the disorder will help you to deal better with people with this disorder.


Ultimately there is no need to fear a narcissist per se. Where violence is a factor you are looking at a totally different problem.

Best wishes,
Beth

The fear, in my case, stemmed from a lack of trust and an inner knowing, an intuition, despite never having heard of narcissism before- this inner knowing was felt as heightened anxiety whenever I would greet him (he was my boyfriend at the time). Intuition picks up on idiosyncrasies even at the same time that logic and reasoning don't notice them as red flags and they slip by. With years of schooling focused on the reliance on reasoning ability and no recognition of the feeling senses taught in schools, people are bound to not pay attention to their instincts and, as I did, push it under the rug; but this creates intensifies the pain when it isn't faced. Of course, since we are afraid of the narcissist, it is too hard to confront him. Thus being in a double- bind and becoming stuck.

Hi shrek

I was terrified of my NM. She knew it and used it against me. I understand the terror from a child's point of view as she would often fly into a rage. As i got older i would stand up to her, but I soon learnt this got me nowhere as she just found different ways to frighten me.

I guess I was always frightened because I knew what she was capable of and how clever she was at manipulation. She was good at turning people against me, so subtly they didn't know she was doing it. In the end she always looked like the saint and i the demon.

Even now, after she's dead I still get letters from her friends, manipulated by her, trying to understand why i "fell out" with my mother when all she did was love me!

So the fear continues, because even after her death, I'm still controlled by her actions - and I don't want to be. but it's like a hold she has over me.

jet wrote:Hi shrek

I was terrified of my NM. She knew it and used it against me. I understand the terror from a child's point of view as she would often fly into a rage. As i got older i would stand up to her, but I soon learnt this got me nowhere as she just found different ways to frighten me.

I guess I was always frightened because I knew what she was capable of and how clever she was at manipulation. She was good at turning people against me, so subtly they didn't know she was doing it. In the end she always looked like the saint and i the demon.

Even now, after she's dead I still get letters from her friends, manipulated by her, trying to understand why i "fell out" with my mother when all she did was love me!

So the fear continues, because even after her death, I'm still controlled by her actions - and I don't want to be. but it's like a hold she has over me.

Hi Shrek,
If you are still fearing your deceased NPD mother, it's only because the beliefs she has instilled in you are still active and you still believe them. In therapy I call them False Beliefs, because they are just that. But we still belief them, or may not even recognize them as false beliefs, until they are challenged. Then you can finally be free of the sticky web that is narcissism. Because the seeds are sown so early in life and for all your life, your beliefs seem real. But you'll find when you challenge them, the root of the belief about yourself and about your mother is not true. She brainwashed you. But luckily, it's only a habitual way of thinking and you can break that habit.

Thanks for all your contributions to this message board. Contact me if you need additional support.

Best wishes,

Beth