Your Online Counselor Forum

I'm so glad I got member confirmation here...I've been practically clawing at my keyboard to be able to post this! I've been married for a little over a year and we have two children from my husbands first marriage, a daughter 5 and a son 4. My husbands ex has full custody of them and we get every other weekend visitation. When DH went through the divorce he basically let her call every shot as to their decree. Her dad is a lawyer and handled the divorce for both of them. I'm trying to figure out if his ex has NPD..a lot of the signs are there and we want to be proactive in helping the kids not grow up to have NPD themselves, or have her behavior hurt our relationship with the kids. Here are some of the things she has done/behaviors she has exhibited:

She has wanted to control everything when it comes to our time with the kids and has accused us of neglect and abuse because there have been times where we just stay at home with the kids instead of taking them somewhere. This was to the point where she told DH that she wouldn't let him have the kids on his own, because they have claimed they were "bored" at our house. I've read somewhere that ppl with NPD love to dole out punishments to people.

She is constantly telling us how the kids love her more, she is the better parent, it's like "punishment" to the kids to come to our house for visits (even though we always have a great time when we have them). She loves to talk about how she does everything on her own and gets no help from anyone, yet when DH has approached her with the idea of getting more visitation she won't even discuss it.

If she and DH have an argument (which is pretty much everytime he doesn't go along with what she wants) she throws a fit, usually in front of the kids, screaming and cussing. Then she blames US for upsetting the kids because we made her mad (they're reaction to HER outburst).

She just went out and bought a 2004 Land Rover even though just the month prior her bank account was so overdrawn she couldn't deposit her child support check in it. She loves to brag about it in front of DH.

She is always talking about how great her life is and makes her relationships sound better than they are and then they usually end. This is how she acted when DH and she were together (I've known them both for a long time) and now that they are divorced she admitted she never really loved him and how awful he is.

She has been in some sort of higher education for as long as I've known her...went to college for undergraduate, went to hair school to learn to cut hair, went back to school for her masters and now has decided she is going to

...take the test to enter law school! She loves to point out to DH that he never finished college (because he got her pregnant and has had to work to pay child support, leaving no time to finish his education)

Anyway, not sure if this is NPD...but we want to make sure we're doing everything we can to help the kids and it not effect their relationship with us. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for listening!

Hi Heather,
While your husband's ex does display some criteria of NPD, she also shows signs of two others. With so little to go on, I cannot give you a valid diagnosis from your post. If you are interested in a diagnosis by proxy, which involves me drawing up a questionnaire that would be looking to see if this lady does have a personality disoder at all, and if so, what type, I can do this for you. If you decide to go ahead simply click on the link at the top of this page to go back to Youronlinecounselor and follow the links to take out a session.
It is important that you and your husband provide his children with a stable base and firm boundaries. NPD does have both a behavioral and a genetic basis so the children will need love and guidance in dealing with their mother. If she doesn't have NPD, but a differnt disorder it will still be importatn for them to know that you and your husband are there for them.

Best wishes,
Beth