Your Online Counselor Forum

My father's 72 and today physically assaulted my mother in the nursing home they are in together. My mother is also 72 and has had Parkinson's disease for 12 yrs. She was recently diagnosed with PD related dementia. Dad had a stroke last April and had a series of seizures this Nov. They are both in wheelchairs most of the time.
Thank god a social worker witnessed this assault today. They have been moved to separate rooms as it turns out my mother has finally admitted this has been going on for some time. I had my suspicions and she voiced some concerns over his behavior, but never to actually physical violence. I'm so proud of her that she's had the courage to admit it and know we can get the help for her she needs.
My two sisters and I have been coordinating their care. My brother - a mirror image of my father, has assaulted me physically and emotionally over disagreements about my parents care - he had his own meltdown when my parents went into the home and I haven't talked to him and he stopped comunicating with my parents until recently.
So back to Dad. He doesn't actually believe he has any health issues - he can't walk somedays, and he blames me for putting him "in this place" which he describes with truck driver language.
The blog articles on NPD sound so much like him. After this whole incident today, he is now blaming my mother for not wanting to get well. And he called me at 10:20pm to tell me he was leaving the facility tomorrow. "I'm done thinking, I'm leaving".

He gets impossible to deal with, he hates being subject to facility rules and what my sisters and I have done to keep him and Mom in proper care for their illnesses. When he gets on his high horse, "soon they'll realize who they are dealing with" or "who I am"....or just when he is being completely in denial to the realities of their situation it drives me crazy. I am full of anger just under the surface. And this is compounded by my own sexual abuse outside of my family. I first I thought it was that he is triggering me, which he is, but I also feel alot of the characteristics listed about adult children of NPD folks.
I need to learn strategies to deal with him so that I can still help provide him with the care he requires. Part of me would like to walk away, but I already feel that what I do for my parents as a caregiver is not anything they could have asked of me. I do it because my own belief in goodness and my love for them requires it of me. I'm very close with my mother, and I learned a year or so ago how to love my father without particularly liking him (and my brother included in that).

Does anyone have stories of their coping skills and strategies for this?

I really admire you for stepping up to care for your aging parents in such a way! I would defintiely do the same if my dad were still living, as we were very close. However, now that he is gone, and it is just my NM, I've had such a rude awakening to how she really is w/out him around acting as a buffer. She wouldn't even be nearly as bad w/out her NM in the picture...she is becoming more and more like her NM everyday, and at the same time, her NM is her puppet master. If my situation were different and my NM had no one, I would likely still be in the pic, but as it is, her NM knows best and is "on top of things" as far as she knows, so I am NC w/ the both of them for almost a year now. If and when my NM lets her diabetes and finances take her to total rock bottom, i.e. dialysis, feet amputated, house or car repo'd, there is no doubt that her NM will take her in...her NM would love nothing better than to have her daughter totally dependent upon her. Realistically, the way my NGM takes care of herself, and the way my NM does not take care of herself, I would say my NM will pass before my NGM...and so I seriously doubt I ever have to consider elder care. My NM is in her early 60's w/ poor health, her NM in her late 70's w/ good health. So, I probably cannot be of much help to you, other than to just say I think you're a pretty awesome daughter to be doing what you are doing.

I am so glad that your mother is away from your NF as it sounds as though he could do her real harm. I am sure you have read that N's only get worse as they age, and so what you are seeing so far w/ your NF is probably only the tip of the iceburg. If your mother is in a totally separate wing from your NF, is it possible to visit her at times w/out having to see him? If so, I would maybe just gradually limit your exposure to him and focus more on your mother, as if he is a true N, your visits will only have meaning for you, not for NF. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with everything that is to come!

Hi Humane4me, I fully understand your reluctance to walk away from your father. Some people can go no contact with their narcissitic parent -- for others it just causes more pain in the mix. The way to get through this situation at this stage of the game is to try to think in your mind that "this is just the way Dad is". He won't change and if you have any thoughts or hopes at all that he will, please contact me because that particular belief will cause you an enormous amount of pain.
You have the reassurance that both your parents are being cared for and the staff is aware of the abuse. Your father is now the typical aging narcissist -- no longer in control of himself and his world, and while that is hard for all of us as we grow older, it is an impossible ask for a narcissist. You are doing all you can, but if you feel you need further personal assistance you can always contact me via this website.

Best wishes, Beth

humane4me
My experience with NPD was with my sister and her hubby. And just for 3 months. That is why I admire you so much for your compassion and love that you show for those who have hurt you the most. You are trully a good person. I guess if your father has not changed over the years, he never will. Concentrate on your mom and yourself. There is a lot of healing to do.

shrek

God bless you

Yes, I often let my clients who are suffering under the regime of a narcissistic parent, that "your parent doesn't deserve you". Of the course, the NPD parent would read that statement in a narcissistic way, i.e. that "yes, you should be nicer to me and do more and more!).
My experience of clients with narcissitic parents is that they bend over backwards to please, so much so that they their own life becomes a far second. It is true that your NPD parent doesn't deserve you, you have already given too much of yourself. That is because you are still waiting to get what you deserve from your parent -- just basic love and respect. And it's hard to give that up but therapy involves helping the trapped adult child of a narcissist to do just that.

Best wishes,

Beth