From the childs point of view- Estrangement
Posted: Sat May 23, 2015 12:07 am
I write this post not as a direct response to others or the articles on websites but because I have decided to estrange myself from my mother. I hope to give some insight as to why children might decide to estrange themselves from a parent, to get some of your views on this behaviour; but ultimately to shine some light on why (although each case is different and individual) the closest of relationships suddenly break down, I.e. why in my case I feel it important to "cut-off" contact.
My mother; a single parent, ruthlessly independent, strong/stubborn, intelligent, supportive, insightful, loving, focussed, hardworking. All positive attributes of any parent, she was and still is my role model. My mother has always been there for me, more than anyone else she has tried to bring me up the best way she could, with good morale's, a nice attitude, an exceptional education, she really is a good person at heart.
From being a very small child it was my mom and me, she stayed single so that I would not be introduced to numerous male "father-figures" as my Dad had left her when I was very young. Life was very hard for my mom, lonely I am sure and I was her pride and joy. I would say that this love and care has absolutely contributed to who I am today, but my on/off again estrangement has also enabled me to develop as a level headed and mature adult; without which I personally feel I would be emotional (more emotional than I already am) and would suffer (as I have when in contact with her) with violent mood swings, depression, anger, sadness.
From being about 14 years old (although my mom may not know this) I wanted to leave home; to escape her. Love, discipline, supportive nature are all needs a child has of their parent, but in my opinion, a good parent should not smother. This is how I have felt most of my teenage and adult life (now 29), so much of a caring force, want of the best for me was utterly suffocating, I could not breath.
With such a mother also comes high expectations. My mom wanted the very best for me, not just academically, I was and am average, but she simply wanted me to succeed and become financially stable. My mother had dreamt a life for me long before I had any idea of what I might want to do. I felt like I had little say or control over the decisions I made. I was not to be guided, but railroaded in to what was right.
It was not until I was 16/17 that my rebellious teenage self-came out, sure I had been moody and dramatic at times prior to this age;I will acknowledge that this was a rough age, but this is when we started to really, really fight. At this age, I feel I started to stand up for myself, make decisions (sometimes the wrong ones), and this really annoyed my mom. I believe that she felt out of control of me, no longer in charge, I no longer did exactly as she said and she hated this.
This may sound like typical teen behaviour, but I wasn't out every weekend partying, bring the cops to the house or anything like that, all I remember from being this age was the fighting, the being told no, the questioning, the lack of trust, now and again up until the age of 20 it got physical (she would grab me, or slap; this happened no more than twice- no I didn't hit her back, I have respect for her). But the more she pushed me, the less I felt in control and the more I pulled away.
I got a boyfriend, although I had a few before, never serious and not lasting more that 6-12 months, this guy was different. My mom new that, she would listen in on my calls, at 18 and 19 lock me out of the house if I broke my 9-9.30pm curfew, tell me that I should break up with him, he was no good, from a bad area (honest he wasn’t) and when she did allow him to visit she did nothing but make me and him feel uncomfortable and not welcome.
I got a job in a restaurant while I studied, even that made her angry because I would wake her up when I would come in (“ but she had told me to get the job to help pay rent and bills”). It seemed that no matter what I did it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what she expected from me, I was disappointing her.
I then decided to move out while I studied; I personally felt that this would be the only way to salvage our relationship and to help me stay sane; as I was depressed, very sad and extremely unhappy at home.
I would like to say that throughout my life, during my early teenage years being out of our family home I felt like I was free, released, no worries, no stress, even being at a friend’s house felt awesome and going home was something I wanted to leave to the last minute.
Leaving home (escaping/running away from this problem some might say) did not resolve anything it magnified and compounded the problem, it got way out of hand and eventually we stopped speaking. This is the first time we became estranged.
Since then, after all the hurtful things we have said to each other, others things that have happened since we have been back and forth with speaking/not speaking.
Most of the fall outs are due to my mom saying that I cannot be bothered with her, that I am not really interested, I do not make an effort. I cannot see my mom every weekend as I work 7 days per week, I live miles away from her.
When I did see her I couldn’t just call for a coffee and a catch up I need to spend 6-7 hours with her at a time, and speak to her on the phone during the week (2-4 times for 2+hours sometimes) it was too much, too demanding and then to be told that I was not making an effort; its sooooo much effort, mentally and physically draining.
Our last spat was in relation to the amount of time and effort, it was becoming too much. I will confess I had for 3 weeks blown my mom off, i.e. not calling when I was supposed to, or not arranging to come and see her, but I was working full time, 7 days per week, 70 mile round trip to work perday I was exhausted and she simply put too much pressure on.
This, in my case is the summative aspect of my estrangement. I don’t feel that my life correlates to the expectations my mom had for me, I feel like a disappointment and when I do see/hear from her I get nauseous- not because of nerves but anxiety, I am waiting for her next explosion/or demand.
The are two sides to every truth, this is only my extremely abbreviated account, there is so much more, to both sides I am sure and I know have been horrible at times, not treated her correctly, but these are my accounts of the lead up to my estrangement and why it is a coping mechanism.
There are lots of comments online about how parents have changed from being disciplinarians to supportive and flexible parents which instil narcissism in children. That the child’s self-importance overrides their respect for the parent. I hope I am not narcissistic, I don’t feel like I am obsessed with myself or that I have an inflated ego (quite the opposite), I just wanted to make a life for myself without a dictatorship.
I have tried on a few occasions to explain how I felt, to tell my mom some of the above and hoped for change; unfortunately it fell on deaf ears, nothing changed, if anything it got worse. To answer many parents questions the silence, the refusal to talk is simply down to avoidance. If we don’t talk to you it’s to avoid you because we are feeling pressured, backed up into a corner like a wild animal. For me, it was because I felt my relationship with my mom was again becoming dependant (her on me), that it was starting to interfere with my fragile world I had made without her and was so scared she could shatter it.
Perhaps, things will change. I regularly feel guilty that we do not speak. I worry about her, but in an instant all of the above comes rushing back. I worry, if I was to have children, how that would work. I would have to tell my mom, but I would worry about creating a relationship with her again; the idea of having to talk.
I don’t have a universal answer, but my estrangement is simply how I have coped with years of mental oppression (perhaps a strong term) but it is how I feel and have felt for many years.
My mother; a single parent, ruthlessly independent, strong/stubborn, intelligent, supportive, insightful, loving, focussed, hardworking. All positive attributes of any parent, she was and still is my role model. My mother has always been there for me, more than anyone else she has tried to bring me up the best way she could, with good morale's, a nice attitude, an exceptional education, she really is a good person at heart.
From being a very small child it was my mom and me, she stayed single so that I would not be introduced to numerous male "father-figures" as my Dad had left her when I was very young. Life was very hard for my mom, lonely I am sure and I was her pride and joy. I would say that this love and care has absolutely contributed to who I am today, but my on/off again estrangement has also enabled me to develop as a level headed and mature adult; without which I personally feel I would be emotional (more emotional than I already am) and would suffer (as I have when in contact with her) with violent mood swings, depression, anger, sadness.
From being about 14 years old (although my mom may not know this) I wanted to leave home; to escape her. Love, discipline, supportive nature are all needs a child has of their parent, but in my opinion, a good parent should not smother. This is how I have felt most of my teenage and adult life (now 29), so much of a caring force, want of the best for me was utterly suffocating, I could not breath.
With such a mother also comes high expectations. My mom wanted the very best for me, not just academically, I was and am average, but she simply wanted me to succeed and become financially stable. My mother had dreamt a life for me long before I had any idea of what I might want to do. I felt like I had little say or control over the decisions I made. I was not to be guided, but railroaded in to what was right.
It was not until I was 16/17 that my rebellious teenage self-came out, sure I had been moody and dramatic at times prior to this age;I will acknowledge that this was a rough age, but this is when we started to really, really fight. At this age, I feel I started to stand up for myself, make decisions (sometimes the wrong ones), and this really annoyed my mom. I believe that she felt out of control of me, no longer in charge, I no longer did exactly as she said and she hated this.
This may sound like typical teen behaviour, but I wasn't out every weekend partying, bring the cops to the house or anything like that, all I remember from being this age was the fighting, the being told no, the questioning, the lack of trust, now and again up until the age of 20 it got physical (she would grab me, or slap; this happened no more than twice- no I didn't hit her back, I have respect for her). But the more she pushed me, the less I felt in control and the more I pulled away.
I got a boyfriend, although I had a few before, never serious and not lasting more that 6-12 months, this guy was different. My mom new that, she would listen in on my calls, at 18 and 19 lock me out of the house if I broke my 9-9.30pm curfew, tell me that I should break up with him, he was no good, from a bad area (honest he wasn’t) and when she did allow him to visit she did nothing but make me and him feel uncomfortable and not welcome.
I got a job in a restaurant while I studied, even that made her angry because I would wake her up when I would come in (“ but she had told me to get the job to help pay rent and bills”). It seemed that no matter what I did it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what she expected from me, I was disappointing her.
I then decided to move out while I studied; I personally felt that this would be the only way to salvage our relationship and to help me stay sane; as I was depressed, very sad and extremely unhappy at home.
I would like to say that throughout my life, during my early teenage years being out of our family home I felt like I was free, released, no worries, no stress, even being at a friend’s house felt awesome and going home was something I wanted to leave to the last minute.
Leaving home (escaping/running away from this problem some might say) did not resolve anything it magnified and compounded the problem, it got way out of hand and eventually we stopped speaking. This is the first time we became estranged.
Since then, after all the hurtful things we have said to each other, others things that have happened since we have been back and forth with speaking/not speaking.
Most of the fall outs are due to my mom saying that I cannot be bothered with her, that I am not really interested, I do not make an effort. I cannot see my mom every weekend as I work 7 days per week, I live miles away from her.
When I did see her I couldn’t just call for a coffee and a catch up I need to spend 6-7 hours with her at a time, and speak to her on the phone during the week (2-4 times for 2+hours sometimes) it was too much, too demanding and then to be told that I was not making an effort; its sooooo much effort, mentally and physically draining.
Our last spat was in relation to the amount of time and effort, it was becoming too much. I will confess I had for 3 weeks blown my mom off, i.e. not calling when I was supposed to, or not arranging to come and see her, but I was working full time, 7 days per week, 70 mile round trip to work perday I was exhausted and she simply put too much pressure on.
This, in my case is the summative aspect of my estrangement. I don’t feel that my life correlates to the expectations my mom had for me, I feel like a disappointment and when I do see/hear from her I get nauseous- not because of nerves but anxiety, I am waiting for her next explosion/or demand.
The are two sides to every truth, this is only my extremely abbreviated account, there is so much more, to both sides I am sure and I know have been horrible at times, not treated her correctly, but these are my accounts of the lead up to my estrangement and why it is a coping mechanism.
There are lots of comments online about how parents have changed from being disciplinarians to supportive and flexible parents which instil narcissism in children. That the child’s self-importance overrides their respect for the parent. I hope I am not narcissistic, I don’t feel like I am obsessed with myself or that I have an inflated ego (quite the opposite), I just wanted to make a life for myself without a dictatorship.
I have tried on a few occasions to explain how I felt, to tell my mom some of the above and hoped for change; unfortunately it fell on deaf ears, nothing changed, if anything it got worse. To answer many parents questions the silence, the refusal to talk is simply down to avoidance. If we don’t talk to you it’s to avoid you because we are feeling pressured, backed up into a corner like a wild animal. For me, it was because I felt my relationship with my mom was again becoming dependant (her on me), that it was starting to interfere with my fragile world I had made without her and was so scared she could shatter it.
Perhaps, things will change. I regularly feel guilty that we do not speak. I worry about her, but in an instant all of the above comes rushing back. I worry, if I was to have children, how that would work. I would have to tell my mom, but I would worry about creating a relationship with her again; the idea of having to talk.
I don’t have a universal answer, but my estrangement is simply how I have coped with years of mental oppression (perhaps a strong term) but it is how I feel and have felt for many years.
