A mother's heartbreaks..

[Magoo]

Since being happily remarried 8 yrs, I have begun to realise that my past life has been involved with Narcissism over 40 years. From 21, as a naive gullible dependent person, I was conned and charmed into marriage with a full blown abusive narcissist. While trying to raise 2 daughters with values of honesty, decency and integrity and trying to give them every opportunity in life while being emotionally unsupported was difficult. I nursed my mother with cancer and following her death and without emotional support (girls 6 and 9) I was flatly refused an amicable separation. I soldiered on for another 10 yrs in the abusive marriage when I discovered their father had badly betrayed us. My girls were 16 and 18. He had been leading a double life and had fathered 2 young children to a 'married' woman (a Sociopath). Following devastation and shock, I felt huge relief that I was free, but was totally devastated for my 2 beautiful girls lives and their futures FOREVER. The shock caused them further emotional damage and the eldest daughter went 'off the rails'. Their father flatly refused to leave the family home and stayed on for another 8 months with us - I saw him twice! When he finally left home, he moved in to live with the woman's husband!
After my divorce, sale of house and relocation to a new suburb with my girls, full-blown narcissism continued on its path of damage and destruction while I continued to pick up the emotional damage and fallout caused to our 3 lives. The girls father and his 'new' family with 2 baby stepbrothers had relocated to live nearby in the next suburb. While I was coping with PTSD, my daughters were being charmed, manipulated, conned and bribed into their father's 'new' family. I was the scapegoat and was being used to alienate my daughters from me. With both girls being covertly seduced into their father's new family, the mother of his children shopped at my local supermarket and on bumping into me in the aisle, treated me as a good friend!!!! The girls became bridesmaids at their father's wedding and both girls had been caught in the Narcissistic web.
After a few years my younger daughter at 21 left to live O/S for years while my eldest daughter was enmeshed into their web of 'distorted' reality - 25yrs now and they all live in denial. My eldest daughter's first loyalty has always been to her father and stepmother, rejecting my support and leaving her and I with a "superficial'' relationship. She has always refused to discuss her life with me. My younger daughter who 'saw the light' is happily married with 2 daughters of her own and the family live nearby. We all have a good relationship. I have always kept in regular contact with both my daughters.
My eldest daughter married, had a daughter but after 8yrs amicably separated then divorced. She is now a single mother raisIng her daughter and is re-establishing her life. I regularly keep in touch. I now have 3 beautiful young granddaughters who my husband and I adore.
My life's journey has been soul destroying and heartbreaking for any mother but I feel proud that I have survived it and am grateful to have found true love and happiness. While in a happy second marriage, I have tried hard to move on but I am still on a healing journey due to Narcissism impacting on my daughter's life. I feel frustrated that the cycle of abuse is continuing on my grand-daughter's life and not being able to make my daughter more 'aware'. Can you kindly advise please?

[Beth McHugh]

Since being happily remarried 8 yrs, I have begun to realise that my past life has been involved with Narcissism over 40 years. From 21, as a naive gullible dependent person, I was conned and charmed into marriage with a full blown abusive narcissist. While trying to raise 2 daughters with values of honesty, decency and integrity and trying to give them every opportunity in life while being emotionally unsupported was difficult. I nursed my mother with cancer and following her death and without emotional support (girls 6 and 9) I was flatly refused an amicable separation. I soldiered on for another 10 yrs in the abusive marriage when I discovered their father had badly betrayed us. My girls were 16 and 18. He had been leading a double life and had fathered 2 young children to a 'married' woman (a Sociopath). Following devastation and shock, I felt huge relief that I was free, but was totally devastated for my 2 beautiful girls lives and their futures FOREVER. The shock caused them further emotional damage and the eldest daughter went 'off the rails'. Their father flatly refused to leave the family home and stayed on for another 8 months with us - I saw him twice! When he finally left home, he moved in to live with the woman's husband!
After my divorce, sale of house and relocation to a new suburb with my girls, full-blown narcissism continued on its path of damage and destruction while I continued to pick up the emotional damage and fallout caused to our 3 lives. The girls father and his 'new' family with 2 baby stepbrothers had relocated to live nearby in the next suburb. While I was coping with PTSD, my daughters were being charmed, manipulated, conned and bribed into their father's 'new' family. I was the scapegoat and was being used to alienate my daughters from me. With both girls being covertly seduced into their father's new family, the mother of his children shopped at my local supermarket and on bumping into me in the aisle, treated me as a good friend!!!! The girls became bridesmaids at their father's wedding and both girls had been caught in the Narcissistic web.
After a few years my younger daughter at 21 left to live O/S for years while my eldest daughter was enmeshed into their web of 'distorted' reality - 25yrs now and they all live in denial. My eldest daughter's first loyalty has always been to her father and stepmother, rejecting my support and leaving her and I with a "superficial'' relationship. She has always refused to discuss her life with me. My younger daughter who 'saw the light' is happily married with 2 daughters of her own and the family live nearby. We all have a good relationship. I have always kept in regular contact with both my daughters.
My eldest daughter married, had a daughter but after 8yrs amicably separated then divorced. She is now a single mother raisIng her daughter and is re-establishing her life. I regularly keep in touch. I now have 3 beautiful young granddaughters who my husband and I adore.
My life's journey has been soul destroying and heartbreaking for any mother but I feel proud that I have survived it and am grateful to have found true love and happiness. While in a happy second marriage, I have tried hard to move on but I am still on a healing journey due to Narcissism impacting on my daughter's life. I feel frustrated that the cycle of abuse is continuing on my grand-daughter's life and not being able to make my daughter more 'aware'. Can you kindly advise please?

Dear Magoo,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can't comment as to whether your ex is definitely a narcissist but he certainly acts in ways that suggest he has no regard for societal norms. The fact that he was able to seduce you into believing in him and marrying him suggests that your own self esteem at the time was less than it could be. However, you now have a successful second marriage and you are lucky to have had a second chance at happiness. Your second daughter, while initially won over by her husband, has created her own life successfully and sees her father's actions in a sensible way. And hopefully she will pass on the values you instilled in her with her own children.

With your elder daughter, the best you can do is to maintain contact with her children and provide a stable base for them. Your elder daughter may have inherited her father's personality, or she may be as hoodwinked as your once were -- this is hard to discern. In the short term, you will need to set healthy boundaries with her (does she ask you to do unreasonable things or use you at all?). Stay with her children as much as you can, because if they are sensitive children, they will need you to create a healthy template in their lives. For many reasons, it is possibly best to not engage with elder daughter about her father's behavior as this will only alienate her. This is the way she might be for the rest of her life and you will also need to do grieving work over this. It's very difficult to "lose" a daughter to narcissism. Try to focus on you, your husband, your younger daughter and grandchildren as much as possible. If you need help with setting boundaries and trying to improve communication with your elder daughter, please contact.

Best wishes,
Beth