NPD brother

[fordfusion]

For up to 6 years now I've had problems with my brother. The beginning of this 6 years was rough. He was very argumentative regardless of facts, etc. He told me multiple times I was jealous because he was our parents favorite. He's had multiple run in with law enforcement. My parents called the police on him approximatley 4 years ago at their home because he was harassing my father, yelling in his face, pushing him, my mother said he had a gun, the police arrived and stayed till he left according to the report. My parents were very upset. My brother, as usual, denied it was that serious. My brother told me that my father told him I turned my back on them after I got married and I had disowned my family (parents). When we both were in front of my dad I asked my father about it and my brother began yelling at him telling him to tell the truth. My dad said I changed. I asked him if he said I’d disowned or turned my back on my family, he told us both he did not. I had a great relationship with both my mother and father. My mother was my best friend. I cannot say the same for my brother. He and my Dad argued constantly and at one point physically fought one another. When my parents retired my brother approached them about setting up legal documents to manage their finances. They declined. They both passed 3 years ago, 3 months apart.

My brother’s wife, after learning his friends wives didn’t like her and allegedly were talking behind her back, sent emails to two of my brothers friends wives telling the wives the husbands had cheated on them. One of the friends was my brothers best friend. He called him and cussed him out and told him they were over. My brother sent an email to my wife telling her I had secrets to hide and was doing things I didn’t want her to know about. My brother also tried to get his wife to send my wife an email telling her I’d sent a message via a social media site to an ex-girlfriend asking her out for drinks…….I do not have a social media account with the site that was mentioned. His wife also told me that he attempted to have a hit placed on me through members of her family. My brother also threatened my wife telling her he was going to post private, negative things about her on social media.

3 months ago he beat up his son who is much smaller than him, blackened his eye and choked him to unconsciousness. His son has since moved in with me. At the moment his son left my brother and I spoke over the phone, everything was fine until the following day. The following 2 weeks my wife and I received about 10 – 15 very long emails and texts (which has been his MO the past 6 years) accusing me of tearing his family apart. In short, all of this is my fault.

He posted negative, personal matters of another of his best friend on social media during a different argument. I personally have called the police to file a report on him twice as well as contacted the FBI.

The behavior has been off and on for 6 years. He doesn’t listen to anyone and everything is everyone else’s fault. He’s destroying relationships at a consistent clip. He constantly embelishes and bends my words while accusing me of doing him wrong. He actually accuses me of the very things he's doing.

I think I’ve had enough. When we first began arguing my Dad asked us to stop talking to one another, we did, then my brother texted me more unreasonable garbage that I needed to do more to help our ailing parents and it started all over again. It was a peaceful year when we weren't talking. I’ve since stopped responding when he gets like this. After my nephew (high school senior) moved in I have not texted my brother back. He actually sent me a list of his bills due for graduation supplies and car repairs and told us we needed to pay them. After 2 weeks the texts stopped, I’ve seen my brother twice since his son moved in with meand it’s like nothing’s ever happened. I shook his hand and walked away. After 6 years of roller coaster I think it’s best that no contact begin. He and his wife separate and get back together often. She’s quite moody and not personable to my family at all.

If he were anyone else I would have stopped talking to him long ago and never looked back. Ever.

[Beth McHugh]

For up to 6 years now I've had problems with my brother. The beginning of this 6 years was rough. He was very argumentative regardless of facts, etc. He told me multiple times I was jealous because he was our parents favorite. He's had multiple run in with law enforcement. My parents called the police on him approximatley 4 years ago at their home because he was harassing my father, yelling in his face, pushing him, my mother said he had a gun, the police arrived and stayed till he left according to the report. My parents were very upset. My brother, as usual, denied it was that serious. My brother told me that my father told him I turned my back on them after I got married and I had disowned my family (parents). When we both were in front of my dad I asked my father about it and my brother began yelling at him telling him to tell the truth. My dad said I changed. I asked him if he said I’d disowned or turned my back on my family, he told us both he did not. I had a great relationship with both my mother and father. My mother was my best friend. I cannot say the same for my brother. He and my Dad argued constantly and at one point physically fought one another. When my parents retired my brother approached them about setting up legal documents to manage their finances. They declined. They both passed 3 years ago, 3 months apart.

My brother’s wife, after learning his friends wives didn’t like her and allegedly were talking behind her back, sent emails to two of my brothers friends wives telling the wives the husbands had cheated on them. One of the friends was my brothers best friend. He called him and cussed him out and told him they were over. My brother sent an email to my wife telling her I had secrets to hide and was doing things I didn’t want her to know about. My brother also tried to get his wife to send my wife an email telling her I’d sent a message via a social media site to an ex-girlfriend asking her out for drinks…….I do not have a social media account with the site that was mentioned. His wife also told me that he attempted to have a hit placed on me through members of her family. My brother also threatened my wife telling her he was going to post private, negative things about her on social media.

3 months ago he beat up his son who is much smaller than him, blackened his eye and choked him to unconsciousness. His son has since moved in with me. At the moment his son left my brother and I spoke over the phone, everything was fine until the following day. The following 2 weeks my wife and I received about 10 – 15 very long emails and texts (which has been his MO the past 6 years) accusing me of tearing his family apart. In short, all of this is my fault.

He posted negative, personal matters of another of his best friend on social media during a different argument. I personally have called the police to file a report on him twice as well as contacted the FBI.

The behavior has been off and on for 6 years. He doesn’t listen to anyone and everything is everyone else’s fault. He’s destroying relationships at a consistent clip. He constantly embelishes and bends my words while accusing me of doing him wrong. He actually accuses me of the very things he's doing.

I think I’ve had enough. When we first began arguing my Dad asked us to stop talking to one another, we did, then my brother texted me more unreasonable garbage that I needed to do more to help our ailing parents and it started all over again. It was a peaceful year when we weren't talking. I’ve since stopped responding when he gets like this. After my nephew (high school senior) moved in I have not texted my brother back. He actually sent me a list of his bills due for graduation supplies and car repairs and told us we needed to pay them. After 2 weeks the texts stopped, I’ve seen my brother twice since his son moved in with meand it’s like nothing’s ever happened. I shook his hand and walked away. After 6 years of roller coaster I think it’s best that no contact begin. He and his wife separate and get back together often. She’s quite moody and not personable to my family at all.

If he were anyone else I would have stopped talking to him long ago and never looked back. Ever.

Hi Fordfusion,
Thanks for sharing your story. Did anything in particular happen 6 years ago that would have sparked this change in your brother, or have things just got worse in the last 6 years? Approximately how old is your brother? Were you close when you were boys/teens?

Your brother seems to have problems with several people in his life and even his marriage is not stable. Have you seen the behavior he exhibits in any members of your extended family? Do you think your parents did play favorites or did they try their best? Are their other siblings and how does your brother interact with them?

The fact that your nephew has chosen to live with you is very telling. Is he over 16 so that he can chose who to live with? Is there a court order in place? If your brother is truly a narcissist he would find that his son living with you would be difficult to cope with, unless he considers his son a burden and that despite his claims you are tearing the family apart, he is tolerating it. Any ideas on why this is the case -- ie he is giving you power over his son. It's possible that your brother does not have NPD but another disorder. If you wish to go no contact, then that decision will effect the triangular relationship between you, your nephew and your brother, so this is a decision not to be taken lightly. Within knowing any more details of the situation, I can't comment, but it may be wise to get a NPD diagnosis by proxy to determine if NPD is present or another disorder, as this will affect the way you interact with him and also your nephew. If you need any further help or want to ask further questions, please feel free to contact me at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes,

Beth