NPD Mother and no contact

[kris]

I have been "no contact" with my NPD mother since September. Although I feel I was left with no choice I am feeling really conflicted and think about it constantly.
The no contact decision was made due to my older brother (golden child) receiving a 12 page letter basically saying I have a personality disorder and she has suspected this since I was 14 and that my brother is being manipulated and brainwashed by me (the scapegoat). She says she is concerned for me, my husband and my children as I "lay waste" to the family. I know in my head that she is projecting and basically telling about herself but my heart is broken and can't understand why she hates me so. I've been blamed for most things often, it appears I can even create and be blamed for problems even when I'm not actually there. I am struggling with the level of toxicity and I'm well trained to feel guilt and self doubt thanks to longterm emotional abuse. I would like to stop thinking about this so much and feeling the need to research every I can in an attempt to understand the un-understable. She is diagnosed bi polar (medicated) and from research and therapy believe her to be NPD too. The most disturbing in her letter was reference to at 15 me being given driving lessons by a male teacher at school (who i now realise was grooming me) and that i showed no remorse for the trouble i caused him when he got found out and that she had hoped that situation would have taught me a leason not to use and manipulate people, to give you an idea of how compromised her thinking is. Any support, suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Beth McHugh]

I have been "no contact" with my NPD mother since September. Although I feel I was left with no choice I am feeling really conflicted and think about it constantly.
The no contact decision was made due to my older brother (golden child) receiving a 12 page letter basically saying I have a personality disorder and she has suspected this since I was 14 and that my brother is being manipulated and brainwashed by me (the scapegoat). She says she is concerned for me, my husband and my children as I "lay waste" to the family. I know in my head that she is projecting and basically telling about herself but my heart is broken and can't understand why she hates me so. I've been blamed for most things often, it appears I can even create and be blamed for problems even when I'm not actually there. I am struggling with the level of toxicity and I'm well trained to feel guilt and self doubt thanks to longterm emotional abuse. I would like to stop thinking about this so much and feeling the need to research every I can in an attempt to understand the un-understable. She is diagnosed bi polar (medicated) and from research and therapy believe her to be NPD too. The most disturbing in her letter was reference to at 15 me being given driving lessons by a male teacher at school (who i now realise was grooming me) and that i showed no remorse for the trouble i caused him when he got found out and that she had hoped that situation would have taught me a leason not to use and manipulate people, to give you an idea of how compromised her thinking is. Any support, suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Kris,
Thanks for contacting about this situation with your mother. It's always difficult to go no contact with a parent and requires a lot of thought and consideration. This choice was basically taken from you due to the presence of this letter which left you with the choice to end the relationship or to ignore the letter or to confront your mother about the letter, and I'm sure there has been much conflict between you both in the past. Because you were basically forced into the situation you are now in, there are unresolved emotions, including guilt. Your mother already has a confirmed diagnosis for bipolar, but the comment about the teacher when you were 15 indicates that your mother's thinking is skewed, and not because of her existing problem. Adult children of parents with a personality disorder of any description are more susceptible to guilt, pleasing and low self esteem than the average person and can therefore struggle to cope with the behaviors of their parents, even when both adult and child are quite old. To ease the conflict you are feeling about your mother and the no contact issue, it may be beneficial for you to undertake a diagnosis by proxy of your mother which would be done by you. While this is not a clinical diagnosis, it will give an indication of which (if any) personality disorder your mother suffers from. This will in turn give you some closure in that regard and give you a platform to start working from, as you will likely carry many false beliefs about yourself that were instilled in childhood by your mother, and reinforced by your father if he was present in the family home. If you would like to ask further questions about this process please contact me at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com or you can simply book a session at http://youronlinecounselor.com/Services.htm
I have also written articles on going no contact with a narcissistic parent. You can access them on the main forum under NPD.
Best wishes,

Beth

[kris]

Thanks Beth, I would be keen to enquire about how diagnosis by proxy works so will email you to the enquiry address.

You mentioned potential father in the home. Unfortunately my father committed suicide when I was 7, 18 months after they separated although they had a trial reconciliation in the middle of that period. I've recently found out that she had been lying (by omision) for 37 years by always running dad down to us about him having affairs when in fact she had a fling with his best friend while my dad was in hospital with a skull fracture from a climbing accident. I'm guessing the letter is my punishment for asking her to explain my findings. To which she has no remorse or understanding of how that might be for my brother and I and said it was none of our business. I agree that we shouldn't have known so therefore shouldn't have been told anything about dad either, i now to myself even question if it's true what she used to say about him or a convenient story she tells herself and others to avoid any guilt for what he later chose to do. her devaluing and discarding him would surely have affected him negatively.

Thanks again for your response.

[Beth McHugh]

You're welcome Kris.I will answer the enquiry you raised off-forum.
Best wishes,

Beth