NPD Father

[kslee4]

So my father loves to not love. its his favourite thing in the world - that and demonstrating disparity towards his 5 children to further alienate some over others. I can't actually remember the time my father told me he loved me - if he ever did decide to in the future it would surely create discomfort in me.

Take for example my recent 40th birthday. My father spent thousands of dollars on my co-dependant (on him) borderline personality sister and her children travelling them to my house for the party. The fact I did not want my borderline sister anywhere near me or my family was of no consequence to him as he was "doing the right thing bringing the family together". No, he was doing what he wanted and ignoring my refusal to be near her due to a history of non stop violence towards myself, my younger sister and now my 14 year old daughter. He came, my sister acted violently again and caused trouble - apparently which was well deserved as she felt 'left out' and 'who could blame her' were his supporting arguments. He simply could not understand the embarassment and anger I felt and supported his oldest daughter vehemently.

Add to this the fact that he 'threw $100 into a group gift' for me of which I asked "why I wasnt given my own gift from him like my older sister received for her 40th birthday" and I was called ungrateul and money hungry. I challenged the fact that he could finance a trip worth thousands of dollars for my sister and her children to travel to my party and he bluntly answered "But that was her birthday present". He is totally and utterly incapable of seeing my point of view as he can only see his way or the highway. Apparently he also said "like hell I am giving her money" when challenged by my younger sister but forks out countless dollars on our older sister who panders to his need to feel superior and important.

Other examples of his behaviour are:

1. He told my younger sister and I "that his will will be a measure of the effort we put into him" the threat being that we get nothing.
2. On passing year 12 with high grades he barely uttered a word of congratulations in either our directions but gifted our older sister with lavish rewards and high praise for recieving a conceded pass.
3. When our grand mother died he refused to give her a tombstone or urn for her ashes - instead he discarded her over the cemetery garden with no regard for how we felt or how we wanted a point of memory for her - he simply got rid of her'.
4. As a young and talented netballer I was never praised by my father, in fact he would angrily glare at me telling me how many shots at goal I may have missed before I eventually got one. One time he even threw a ball at me.
5. Recently he has scolded my younger sister and I for not leaving work for an extended period of time so he could have hip surgery - apparently the son who lives with him can't do it as it would be unfair to ask that of him and he wont have our older sister do it despite her working in aged care. He has no regard for the fact we live interstate, have full time jobs and families - we have failed him.
6. When my younger sister and I offered him a gift for his 70th birthday we were told "pigs arse" to flying him to our homes and taking him for an expensive dinner as he thought it would look bad on facebook that he had a party with us and another in his home town. he thought we should all fly to him at the cost of thousands of dollars for one night and would not understand that this was not financially viable for us but flying him to us was affordable.
7. When he visists he refuses to spend money on me but stands waiting for me to pay for everything, he indulges and critises if I don't get things 'just right'.
8. we were never hugged or cuddled as kids or adults, but scorned and mocked for having loving relationships and made to feel embarassed by any affection people offer us

My younger sister and I can tell many more stories but its the lack of self worth we feel as adults that is the worst. He is obsessed by people who dislike him (of which there are scores) and is abusive of people he thinks are below him. He called our mother 'cancer Anne" when she was fighting the diease that eventually killed her and told us 'we stole from him' when we recieved inheritence from her will.

How do you ever mend the not worthy feeling?

[Beth McHugh]

Dear Kslee,
The way your father has treated you would leave you with a profound sense of unworthiness and "not being good enough" or even "there must be something wrong with me because I'm treated this way". This is compounded by the fact that your father divides his children into favourites and non-favourites, so it leaves you in a position of feeling even worse about yourself when you compare yourself to the way your oldest sister and even brother are treated.
The reason you feel worthless is that your father has put this belief into your head through his actions since the day you were born. When you were little you sucked up this belief like a sponge until it became part of your sense of self -- that you are unworthy. Trying to counteract that by giving and giving and hoping that you will be seen and heard and loved keeps you hooked into this situation.

However, the disturbed person in all his is your father. He is a very immature and unhappy man, but the idea that you are worthless is an illusion that you really had no choice in buying into when you were younger because you had no template of what a more "normal" father behaves like. He has treated his wife and your grandmother with no respect, just as he has you. If your father does suffer from NPD, then he sees people only as objects who are there for him, but not the other way around. You are not worthless and the way out of this situation is to challenge the core beliefs you hold about yourself that were implanted by him many years ago and are categorically wrong. Just because your father treats you like rubbish does NOT mean you are rubbish. Exploring how to find the beliefs he has sown in your mind, challenging them and removing them allows you to see that you have actually been hoodwinked by a master manipulator and a person without compassion or a conscience. This is do-able and you can regain your self esteem and eventually get to the point where you can see your father with actual pity, even compassion. This is down the track for you at present, but you can change yourself and get out of this place where you have been all your life and claim back your power -- the power your father took off you via a campaign of cutting you down instead of building you up as a proper father would. If you need help with this process contact me via the main website above. This situation does not have to continue.

Best wishes,
Beth