Your Online Counselor Forum

My husband and I just recently figures out my mother is NPD. I've spent my whole life watching her suck my father dry and wring me out to the point of madness. Up until recently I thought this was just who she is (excusing and enabling) and that all family's go through this...WRONG. It was never me..but now I'm left trying to understand that I've been systematically emotionally tortured and physically abused for 27 years...how have you all dealt with it? Frankly, I'm blown away and overwhelmed..

I haven't dealt with it either... but I think understanding is the first step. How can you recover from something you didn't know you've endured? It's really startling and painful to realize... but you are not alone. I understand how you feel.

It's normal to think your family is "normal" until you find out otherwise. As you've grown up in this environment, naturally you believe that this is how it is. Now that you have realized that your mother is "not normal", it is important to learn better ways of interacting with her, otherwise the situation will continue just as it has your entire life. It is also important that you have a correct diagnosis - I have many clients who come to me wanting help with their NPD parent only to find that the parent does not have NPD at all but another disorder which can easily be mistaken as NPD. Getting the correct diagnosis is important because it determines the best way to move forward for you. I always advise prospective clients do begin with a diagnosis by proxy because processing on the assumption that the problem person definitely has NPD can lead to problems down the line for the client.
Have a read of the articles on NPD if you haven't already. The best thing is that you have at last recognized that it is not you with the problem, but your mother. That is an important first step on the way forward. Please contact me if you feel therapy would be of assistance to you.

Best wishes,

Beth