Your Online Counselor Forum

Hi there everyone

I'm new to this site. For the past two years I've been struggling to come to terms with the death of my mother who had NPD. Things were never good between us,but came to a head when my Uncle died. She spent the last few months of his life manipulating him and it made me feel sick.

When she tried manipulating my DD i felt it had gone too far and I cut off contact with her. Three years of what i can only describe as hell followed as she sent me hate mail.

Eventually, it stopped and i thought finally she was going to leave me alone. Then after eight months of silence I got a phone call to say she'd been in an accident.

I had been cut out of any rights, so I couldn't find out anything because she had decided I wasn't next of kin. Eventually I discovered that she had crashed the car due to double vision and had some sort of pressure on the brain. She had a couple of operations and as far as i knew the hospital started talking about rehabilitation.

Then I heard from my cousin (who was sorting it out) that the specialist wanted to see him. Later that evening he rang me with the news that my mother was dying and had days to live. I was in shock. He had discovered that she had breast cancer and it had spread to the brain. Ten days later she was dead.

Her will was simple. Nothing for me. Nothing for either of the kids. Charity got the lot apart form the executors a friend and my half sister (no relation to NM) who got a token amount each. There was the matter of my Uncle's house which NM left to my DD. Through the solicitor - so we had to pay him off to get it back. It's still not sorted - all because she had to be in charge.

Some days I feel done with this, others I'm lost and overwhelmed. I feel NM is trying to destroy me, even though she's gone.

If I think too much about losing her, my hear feels like it's breaking all over again. If I think too much about how she betrayed me, I feel angry and if i think too much about how i love her I feel despair. If I try to hate her, I feel better, but then I feel horrible.

All the time I just want to put all of this behind me and get on with my life. I have a wonderful DH and two children. It's like I feel guilty for something I haven't done. I'm going round in circles. I just want it to stop.

jet wrote:Hi there everyone

I'm new to this site. For the past two years I've been struggling to come to terms with the death of my mother who had NPD. Things were never good between us,but came to a head when my Uncle died. She spent the last few months of his life manipulating him and it made me feel sick.

When she tried manipulating my DD i felt it had gone too far and I cut off contact with her. Three years of what i can only describe as hell followed as she sent me hate mail.

Eventually, it stopped and i thought finally she was going to leave me alone. Then after eight months of silence I got a phone call to say she'd been in an accident.

I had been cut out of any rights, so I couldn't find out anything because she had decided I wasn't next of kin. Eventually I discovered that she had crashed the car due to double vision and had some sort of pressure on the brain. She had a couple of operations and as far as i knew the hospital started talking about rehabilitation.

Then I heard from my cousin (who was sorting it out) that the specialist wanted to see him. Later that evening he rang me with the news that my mother was dying and had days to live. I was in shock. He had discovered that she had breast cancer and it had spread to the brain. Ten days later she was dead.

Her will was simple. Nothing for me. Nothing for either of the kids. Charity got the lot apart form the executors a friend and my half sister (no relation to NM) who got a token amount each. There was the matter of my Uncle's house which NM left to my DD. Through the solicitor - so we had to pay him off to get it back. It's still not sorted - all because she had to be in charge.

Some days I feel done with this, others I'm lost and overwhelmed. I feel NM is trying to destroy me, even though she's gone.

If I think too much about losing her, my hear feels like it's breaking all over again. If I think too much about how she betrayed me, I feel angry and if i think too much about how i love her I feel despair. If I try to hate her, I feel better, but then I feel horrible.

All the time I just want to put all of this behind me and get on with my life. I have a wonderful DH and two children. It's like I feel guilty for something I haven't done. I'm going round in circles. I just want it to stop.

Hi Jet,
I apologize for taking so long to reply but hope that you are ok. What you describe is so common with adult children of narcissists and it seems that much harder now that your mother has died because part of you likely feels this is unresolvable, hence the feeling you are going round in circles. Whether NPD parents are alive or deceased, they continue to exert control over their adult children until such time as you learn to take your power back, or rather take your power for the first time. Jet, if you haven't already read my articles on NPD try doing that -- the more you learn about the disorder the easier it will be to start the process of being you, instead of your mother's servant. If you have any questions, please ask. It is important for you to understand how narcissists think, and how they are in competition with their children once the latter become adults. You still love your mother and deservedly want her to love you back. Then you get angry when that doesn't happen. Then you feel sad because narcissistic love is so highly conditional that no-one can make the grade -- so you won't be good enough. Then you feel bad about yourself. But all this has been put on you from the day you were born and you would still carry what I call False Beliefs about your mother. These are what are holding you back. The fact that your mother has died has no bearing on you recovering from this situation, but it is important to work out what beliefs you hold about your mother (which she would have instilled in you) that you still believe. Once you do this, you will view her in a different light -- as a dysfunctional person, but a person who has not evolved properly into adulthood.As with all personality disorders, NPDs have failed to achieve many childhood and adolescent milestones and therefore they cannot see the harm and pain they cause their children. In turn, you as the young child had no "normal" template for a mother and that is why you still naturally crave her love, feel upset about the will, feel angry, feel sad. This is all normal! But it doesn't have to stay this way. If you would like assistance in starting to unravel the narcissistic ties between you and your mother, please contact me. I am sorry for the death of your mother, but your grief extends to the grief of never having a mother in the first place. This is the same for all adult children of narcissists but it can most definitely be resolved!

Best wishes,

Beth