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Hey

I've recently realised my mum fits lots of the npd profile and when my husband recently got cancer she made it all about herself... so lots to deal with right now for me.

Now the trouble is my husband and I have had a very difficult marriage, were in therapy before the diagnosis, split up before, it's all messy as life is. I'm starting to wonder if heis also a narcissist, he will rant and have tantrums in front of our toddler son and thinks its all fine because its all my fault somehow, plus he has cancer.

He's about to start chemo and we live I'm the middle of nowhere & I don't drive. I feel it's irresponsible to stay out here with him and my son during this process and that we should do it differently and also not be isolated. He will not even weigh up any options and my opinion doesn't count. His prognosis is excellent but he s convinced that he's dying and the doctors are lying to him.

As his carer and the only person who is around for our son, doesn't my opinion and my evaluation of whether I can handle the situation out here count?

He's said we'll get a nanny and send our son to a playgroup. To be honest with his temper I can't see any nanny sticking around after seeing what he's like when he doesn't get his way. And he won't get his way because I have learned after four years of marriage that the house cam never be clean enough and nothing I do or say suits him. It's not a healing environment for him to be around someone who he gets so angry around... I just think it's time for us to accept we're not good for each other... I know I can't know what he's going through and I know it must be horrible, but is that really an excuse to put a little toddler through hell?

I think the right decision is to get him a carer and a place to stay near the hospital. And for me & my son to go live where I have friends & community, we could visit him but I could spare my son his awful temper. It would all be easily doable, too... I guess I'm looking for validation that my opinion should count?! Al my friends are behind me, I was in the city working for 2 days but now that I'm back here with him he's wearing me down badly.

Hi,
If your mother is making your father's cancer about her, then she is showing at least one NPD trait. How are you coping with the fact your Dad has cancer?

As for the situation with your husband, it's hard to tell if he has NPD without more information. If it's important to you to know, then a diagnosis can be undertaken by proxy. If he has NPD, it is for life so that may help you in working out what direction to head in.

Was your husband behaving like this before his diagnosis? He may be suffering from anxiety due to the diagnosis and this is how he expresses his anxiety through this difficult behavior. I know things were not good between you and you have had a break from each pother before. I agree that your son should not be exposed to this behavior on a regular basis. I can't ethically tell you what to do, particuarly in the long term. The decision must be yours. Your idea in the short term of moving out of your isolated situation will likely be good for your husband as well as yourself. If your mother actually has NPD it will also make you more vulnerable to putting up with poor behaviors from your husband. All this can be changed!

If you would like to get a diagnosis by proxy for your husband, this may help you to understand why he does what he does. It may also help you to make decisions, draw boundaries of what behaviors you will accpet and not accept. If you need extra help, you can book a session by going back to the main website through the link above.

Best wishes,

Beth