Why Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder So Little Known?

[Grizelda]

I've been away so long and I'm glad I dropped back in. So MUCH of what you wrote, whatisnormal (as usual) struck a bell. In order to "explain myself" to relatives and assisted-living workers, etc., I would have to tell the truth and "out" my mother. Yet, as Deborah's post was speaking on - I don't want her to be in a bad way. I don't want to say bad things about her (true though they may be) and get her kicked out of the home she's in (or kicked out of relationships she still has)!

I read so much, but an ACON writing on a board somewhere said that NOBODY looks after themselves better than an N. Now they can be idiots, with the impulsiveness and shopping/gambling other addictions, and the childish way they run their lives -- but they also can be demanding of attention, from doctors and other carers, and from everybody else they run into. I think even some of the stupider ones are able to make sure people take care of them because of their blatant pushiness.

But it's easy for me to depend on my mother looking after herself because she's in an assisted living place and has the money to continue doing that, unless her insurance goes bankrupt, and even then, she has a pretty solid income. She also has enough sense to aggressively pursue adequate care.

Whatever does a poor ACON do if that's not the case? I wish I had good advice, Deborah, but I'm not sure. In an early blog of Beth's, there's a woman who has the wherewithall to help pay for an assisted living and she's decided to only deal with 3rd party caregivers and never see her NM again, face to face, period. In my case, I don't know if I'd have the nerve to tell the caregivers why I refused to see my NM (and I'd be afraid they wouldn't want her as a "client" if they knew she had NPD), but it might be worth a try.

Or just trust that she'll get by, by hook or crook. What would our N's do if we were dead? I betcha the vast majority of them would get on just fine, without us. And this is going to sound cold and harsh, but they've had their lives - many are 80+. It just isn't justice for us to give up decades of our lives (perhaps the final decades) letting ourselves be destroyed in order for them to have as good an end-life as possible. There are few elderly on the streets, homeless, and many of them basically choose to be, by not following the rules (frugality - working with social workers, etc.)

If an indigent N parent has social security and Medicare, then they can most likely do fine in a rented room or efficiency apartment. If they truly can't physically or mentally take care of themselves anymore, then they qualify for a Nursing Home - and medicaid would either pick up the whole bill - or you could get a lawyer to draw up a "Miller Trust" (in that kind of trust, all your N's income goes straight to the trust, then to the nursing home - minus a small allowance for the N for extra insurance policies or $30/month spending money - and then Medicaid makes up the difference.

Getting all that arranged is a hassle, but with a determined heart (determined to save itself!), one could take over and make sure minimal needs were met, at least once the N was incompetent enough to qualify for a regular Nursing Home.

I don't know if that helps you Deborah -- and I hope you have siblings or other close relatives that you could discuss this with -- and they could either agree with you or take over the decisions themselves if they disagreed (and you'd be off the hook.)

And Hi Colorado33! I sure hope your hubby isn't pulled into her web. Mine gets a little guilty-feeling at times, and he doesn't really understand what I went through. Nobody ever will, unless they're a non-GC Acon. It's one of the burdens of this nightmare. I hope your son wises up to NPD, too! I think it's wise of you to give him information about NPD and tell him your NM has it - maybe before she passes. He may brush it off at first but eventually open up to the possibility and that could be his ticket out of the chaos.

Oh and I can really empathize with you on the stupid stuff they give you. Weird stuff - I think it's because they can't empathize and you need empathy to to think of something appropriate for another person. It's hilarious sometimes. I love the comedian Merrill's Markoe's blog about the bizarre gifts her NM gave her - she wanted a black blazer and her mother gave her a frilly wildly-colored skirt and blouse with Peter Pan collars festooned with appliques of ducks carrying umbrellas (something like that) - the blog is hilarious.

Link: http://merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-y ... narcissism

Isn't it wonderful that so many people are coming out on the Internet with their tales of battling the N's inflicted with this insidious hopeless disease? There's so much more hope for us than the countless victims who came before. But that isn't always comfort enough to make us feel ok about what we're going through. But it's something! Best wishes! Hope Christmas doesn't drive us bonkers!!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Harobed aka Deborah!

Thanks for posting. You'll be pleased to hear that I am in the process of writing a book on narcissitic personality disorder. I have doen this in response to the lack of suitable books on the subject plus it is one of my three areas of specialities.

To all readers:

It is often relatively late in life that we come to realize that what our parent suffers from is NPD. It's not well know and onlyaffects a small prportion of the population but, of course, its effect on the people under the regine of a narcissist is profound.

All my articles on NPD are designed to educate the public more about the actual existence of this disorder, and secondly top assure people that they are not alone or going crazy. It is an especially difficult burden to have a parent who is a narcissist and it takes so long to find out that this is what you are actually dealing with. In the meantime, the child and later the adult child is subjected to low self-esteem, low confidence, anger at the world, anger at themselves and the worst of all, trying to please just to get what I call "the crumbs of love". It is the latter that does the most damage. And it is the reason why most people enter therapy. There is hope to get out of the black hole that comes with living with a narcissist, I have many clients who were convinced they were trapped forever but that is an illusion. You all have the power to change the situation, it is your NPD parent who has convinced you that you cannot.

Best wishes,
Beth