NPD How to help a partner who had/has TWO NPD parents?

[Pamela J]

Dear Consellor,

My partner is 60 years old, and is the adult child of not one, but two NPD parents. (Unofficially diagnosed, but they both fit the profile very clearly.) His mother is still alive and elderly. His father died some time ago.
He has the misfortune of living with his mother currently, on a psuedo - temporary basis. ( A role thrust upon him by siblings - who sought to take advantage of his current single status.) We are hoping to be able to live together soon.

I've seen the vast and far reaching damage to the psyche and self esteem of a beautiful, and extremely capable human being, and the pain he has endured. I've witnessed first hand the lies told to me to discredit him by his mother. ( "You know he's seeing other women?!" - He isn't and wasn't.) I've witnessed the emotional blackmail and the emotional manipulation, getting him to be quite litterally at her beck and call, -and his still going to extroardinary lengths to do things for her, and help her, with not only - never any thanks- but actually crying to his siblings that he does nothing at all for her, behind his back! Anyway, no doubt you are familiar with this picture..
As children, the children not only never received any love, but the father played favourites and put down my partner constantly in public and in private and praised and favoured his twin brother, (who is now a very different and most obnoxious person.)The children - although there was always plenty of food in the fridge -as children, never ever even had a meal cooked for them unless visitors were coming.They were expected to help themselves - and learned to do so. They were also expected to get jobs before and after school at an early age ( 8 !) and although the family were reasonably well off - to pay fully for their school books and uniforms, and to help for long hours - in the family business, with no thanks, or remuneration. Indeed when the parents wanted money for cigarettes - they would regularly take their childrens savings!
His father borrowed and trashed my partners, first car! And drove past him in it while my partner walked, rather than pick him up, on his way home from work. And the list of constant and outrageous slights goes on..
What I am hoping is that you could summarize for me what the most prominent effects that I might see in my partner, are most likely the result of all this, and how best I can act to help him with his mother, and to counteract these effects??
Any help would be most gratefully received. Thankyou.

[hurtingandlonely]

Hello, I hope that I might take the liberty of simply speaking as a person who also has two NPD parents. I am 54 years old and this is my very first visit (and post) here at this site. I am grateful just to have found a place in which to express myself.

I can't tell you how much I identify with your partner. How sad. I understand everything you discussed and I know only too well the heartbreak of having grown up with two living "parents" and yet still feel completely like an orphan!

In fact, my mother this very morning tried to verbally annihilate me simply because I expressed my deep hurt and concern regarding a relative who is abusing her two small little girls! This behavior is par for the course, and I have known nothing else. I know nothing of love, of warmth, of motherly affection, of caring. What I know from my mother is deception, cruelty, martyrdom, indifference, manipulation, and jealousy. And what I knew from my stepfather was cruelty, sadism, abuse, and hatred.

So, you would think I would have turned out to be an axe murderess.....but strangely, I feel TOO deeply for others; I identify with the oppressed, the abused, the overlooked, the invisible, the disenfrachised, the wounded, the bullied. My heart reaches out to all who may have gone through life feeling invalidated, unwanted, unloved.

I wish I could sit with your partner and express my deep, deep empathy for all of the suffering endured by virtue of having such parents. I wish I could make it all better, make the pain go away, offer words of hope and encouragement. I wish I could be a kind and loving parent, not only to the little child still inside of me, but to your partner and all others like us who have been mistreated and made to feel guilty for even EXISTING.

Instead, I offer you my deep, heartfelt concern and my honest anger and pain, by saying, "What you endured is a travesty and a tragedy. Not everyone is a manipulative narcissist. There are people who can and will love you, and SEE you, and WANT you." --though I am still trying to learn that lesson myself.

I only wish you and your partner the very best. I hope that I have offered even a tiny smidge of encouragement to you. Best wishes, and love sent your way.

[Grizelda]

Yes, I'm so sorry for your bf, Pamela - and it's wonderful that you care so much and want to help him. The only thing's that helped me - and the only thing I can imagine ever helping me (other than having loving family and friends in my life, which is HUGE!, but didn't really help me get past my struggles with my NM) is researching NPD.

Reading Beth's blogs and other online blogs about this (Joanna Ashmun's, Anna Valerious' , the posts of fellow acons and their loved ones), and reading books (Kathy Krajco's, Beverly Engle's, Victoria Segunda's, Alice Walker's, Sam Vaknin's, Scott Peck's People of the Lie, so many more) and Internet articles about it. Knowledge is such power! It doesn't mean you can break free, though it might, but it clears up decades of confusion and self-blame and a host of conflicted damaging feelings inside. Good luck to you - and him!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Pamela,
Thank you for posting.
Your partner will display a range of emotional problmes as a result of his upbringing, all of which are capable of being improved, even though he is no longer a young man. Due to the treatment of both of his parents, it would be a miracle if he didn't have low self-image, an extreme need to please, an addiction to the hope that things might change and somehow he might finally be seen as a good and worthwhile person, an extreme difficulty in saying no, possibly repressed anger problems, feelings of sadness and loss, and at his age, a host of possible physical ailments due to the stress of putting up with the poor treatment for a lifetime.

It would be really much more productive if he would seek help for himself as geting it second hand is nowhere near as possible. Certainly any therapy that mey be required to get him out of the situation he is in now would have to be conducted by him. His siblings are also contributing to his problems as they are not taking responsibity for the situation, and leaving it up to him -- " the kind one" . Mind you, in the long term, firm boundaries need to be set between him and his mother because the mother is responsible for her own life and if your partner wants to help, we need to get him into a position of wanting to help rather than feeling he has to help. The latter only causes more resentment which he does not need.

So it is very important that he learns a new way of coping with his mother. This will cause a lot of initial friction but in the long run it is worth the feeling of freedom from domination that NPDs instil in their children and adult children.

If you need further help or assistance in setting boundaries, you can always contact me.

Best wishes,
Beth

[Grizelda]

Beth, I'm like the biggest fan in the world of your postings, and this one is just so astounding and perfectly on-point when it comes to describing what I believe my problems are. I can't wait to get my hands on your book !!

I think your advice is fantastic, but some of us either don't have the money (or feel too guilty spending the money) for therapy. I also had a therapist who ended up compounding my problems! And I've read of a few other people whose therapists wanted to pathologize the victim. Mine tisk-tisked me for having the audacity to label my mother as narcissistic. She went on to tell me I couldn't possibly know enough to do that, in a haughty cruel way. It was like she was offended by my opinions and wanted to "take charge" of me, 100%, without listening to my input.

I even read that psychology is an attractive field for Narcissists to go into (and medical doctors as well) because they can feel superior -- or torture people -- who knows -- but I can see that it might be very enticing for an intelligent NPD-afflicted person.

On the other hand, the writings of psychologists, all the way back to Freud, have set me free and given me back my life. Heck, maybe even SAVED my life because I feel like I can protect my health (or at least try), armed with knowing what NPD and what my NM has done to me, and since I'm so insecure and down on myself, I never ever ever would have stood up to her. I'm also terrified of her and have only ever really confronted her in a letter. So in one way I've been saved by psychology practicioners, and in another, I almost become the victim of another N (the therapist), who was upsetting and damaging me even further!

I've read that you should "interview" therapists to make sure they're "ok" but I'd never have the nerve to be that presumptuous. Just no way, Jose', and I bet there are plenty N-victims like me who aren't strong enough to do that. I wish there was an online independent registry of therapists who specialize in abuse victims and their clients could post reviews - kind of like imdb does with movies or something? Well, in any case, that wouldn't be enough for me because I just can't waste the money on myself that my children need. But thanks from the bottom of my heart for your advice - it's meant the world to me!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda,
Yes, unfortunately there are therapists around who victimize their clients even further, and not only when the problem is NPD. Even if a person is depressed, there is a tendency to "tag" a person and see thenm as having the problem, but why? Although I may have to go thorugh a labelling process so I knwo what I am dealing with when working with a client, I don;t see them as being the "problem person". I look at the reason for that person being depressed, anxious, unstable , whatever.

Unfortunately, as I said in one of my articles, many practitioners don't recognize narcissism very readily. It is not a common disorder, but it certainly exists and it actually makes the recipient of the naricissism (ususlly the adult child of a NPD parent) look even more unbalanced than the narcissist themselves. This is because the adult child IS in more pain than the narcissist! And narcissists seldom seek treatment for that very reason. Any good therapist will listen to your thoughts on possible narcissism and then investigate whether that condition actually exists, rather than dismiss it out of hand. Sadly, if NPD is present these theraists are unwittingly replicating the situation between mother and child -- that of not being heard. This is clearly somethign you don't want in a therapist!

Try not to feel that you're not worth therapy. Sure, you feel that you should spend the money on your family but looking after you and letting go of the pain of your childhood will make you a happier mother and wife, and that is a pretty big gifrt to give to your family. But it is the ultimate gift to give yourself. Have a think about it...you already know a lot about NPD so you would not be starting from scratch. Don't let your mother hypnotize you into the belief that you're not worth it or that you have to please everyone first and look after yourself last.....another common trait in adult children of narcissists!

Best,
Beth

[cheech]

Dear Grizelda:

I was just like you about 10 years ago - thought therapy cost too much and I could just tough it out using printed resources. Not so! I am a living testimony to the benefits of therapy - both talk and medication. I was wearing everyone out that was around me. Our house went from one catastrophy to another because of my inability to handle my NP Father.

Things are very different in my house now. Speaking with a professional, in her office, made a boat-load of difference for me - and because of the $$ and time, I HAD to do the work. With her help I was able to put things in the proper order when it came to my NP Dad - I embraced my life with my husband and children as my own and Dad was not allowed "in" unless he was willing to work within the healthy boundaries I set. Needless to say, there was a horrible backlash from him & my stepmother - and it lasted for many years; but that was okay with me. When he re-entered my life, he was bearable. I would not have been able to handle his re-entry had it not been for this therapy. Best $$ I ever spent.

Please consider spending the money. You are the most important part of your household's life. If you break, the entire machine will break. Be good to yourself.

Cheech

[Grizelda]

Thanks, Cheech! I'll definitely consider it again, and I was only yesterday

Of the three I've tried in my life, one wasn't so bad (but I didn't know my mother was NPD and didn't even mention her.)

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Cheech and Grizelda,
it's so true that part of the effects of being the child of a narcissist or indeed any parent who did not value you, makes it difficult to decide you are worth looking after. I call it the "burnt chop syndrome" .......always putting yourself last after everyone else.
If your NPD parent is affecting you, it is affecting your family. Having a happier Grizelda will be a better family investment than adding a house extention. And you will have the investment for life.
However, it is always up to you to make the move, and you will only move ahead in therapy if you move willingly towards it. Keep moving!

Best,
Beth