Guilt at going NC - disabled brothers

[Becs1981]

Hi all,

My mother has NPD(I think) and her treatment of me has worsened as I've grown into adulthood as I've fallen further and further from grace in her eyes as I've matured. Largely this is because I was by default the golden child, as my two older brothers have severe mental disabilities. I am now at a point in my life (33, financially independent, academically successful and ready to look for a partner to start my own family with that will have absolutely no contact with her) where I am ready to go no contact and think I need to in order to break away from being her constant supply, but have additional guilt about doing so since there is no-one to take my place, given my brothers' disabilities (they are disabled enough to be unable to be subject to her NPD, so they do not need protecting). I think I'm just looking for support from the forum to tell me I need not feel guilty. I realize it'll compromise my relationship with my (ridiculously) enabling dad, but I see that as his choice to make. No-one else in the family talks to her (she's cut them all out, for various of her imagined reasons) so I'm not losing anything but her, really, and I'm not actually losing anything since I gain nothing by her being in my life - I'll be gaining freedom but she'll be losing what I've been brought up to see as the one good thing in her life (i.e. me, except I'm not now, since I've failed to live up to her expectations and have caused, according to her, her depression, suicidal thoughts, and overwhelming despair in not wanting to be a lawyer or have a successful marriage with children in my early 20s). Basically, how can we deal with the GUILT and not get sucked in to a cycle of going back to her?

Beccyx

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Beccy,
Going no contact needs to be done for the right reasons, otherwise there can be remorse, guilt and a tendency to get "sucked back in" as you say, followed by a feeling of failure. It needs to be done after a lot of consideration and a lot of thinking about all the consequences. For example, how will you deal with a situation where you get a phone call saying your mother has had a stroke and needs help? Going no contact is not for everyone. Yet for some people, it is the best thing to do. Only through making an informed choice can you successfully break free without guilt. I have written some articles on going no contact. If you haven't read them already, you can find them under NPD on the main page. I would recommend journaling your thoughts on how it would be to not ever have contact with either parent, how family days such as Christmas would look like, how you would deal with seeing your brothers, how you would deal with the fallout when your mother (if she does have NPD) demonizes you, and you get to hear it on the family grapevine,etc. You can get past the guilt but first you have to change your mindset about your mother to a way in which you do not see her as your controller, and you as the child in the relationship. If you suffer from the "need to please" syndrome, this also has to be dealt with before a successful detachment can occur. It would also help if you have a balanced idea about the role your father has played in your upbringing, because often the non-NPD parent is ignored, but they too have a role in the family dynamic. It is not easy to go no contact, but it can be successfully done if all of the false beliefs that have been sown in your mind over your childhood have been systemically examined and removed. Sometimes this can take some time, because often the adult child is unaware of them as they soaked them up like as sponge when they were children.
If you feel in need help in moving through this process, please contact me.

Best wishes,

Beth

Hi all,

My mother has NPD(I think) and her treatment of me has worsened as I've grown into adulthood as I've fallen further and further from grace in her eyes as I've matured. Largely this is because I was by default the golden child, as my two older brothers have severe mental disabilities. I am now at a point in my life (33, financially independent, academically successful and ready to look for a partner to start my own family with that will have absolutely no contact with her) where I am ready to go no contact and think I need to in order to break away from being her constant supply, but have additional guilt about doing so since there is no-one to take my place, given my brothers' disabilities (they are disabled enough to be unable to be subject to her NPD, so they do not need protecting). I think I'm just looking for support from the forum to tell me I need not feel guilty. I realize it'll compromise my relationship with my (ridiculously) enabling dad, but I see that as his choice to make. No-one else in the family talks to her (she's cut them all out, for various of her imagined reasons) so I'm not losing anything but her, really, and I'm not actually losing anything since I gain nothing by her being in my life - I'll be gaining freedom but she'll be losing what I've been brought up to see as the one good thing in her life (i.e. me, except I'm not now, since I've failed to live up to her expectations and have caused, according to her, her depression, suicidal thoughts, and overwhelming despair in not wanting to be a lawyer or have a successful marriage with children in my early 20s). Basically, how can we deal with the GUILT and not get sucked in to a cycle of going back to her?

Beccyx

[Becs1981]

Thanks Beth,

Well, those obstacles aren't really there: I haven't spent Christmas or other 'family' occasions with them for many years, I don't see my brothers and there is no 'grapevine' on which she can demonize me since she has already isolated herself from all other family members, none of the rest of whom are really in touch with each other either. I take what you say on board, though; there is work to do whether or not I go completely no contact (it's already very limited).

Thank you for the advice.

Beccy

[Beth McHugh]

You're very welcome!

Beth