npd father

[mikeb]

When my mother was sick and dying of cancer dad didn't do anything to help her. He just couldn't handle seeing"the love of his life" like that. After she was gone it was all about he lost his wife. Our family hasn't been the same since. My father has since met my now step mom the new love of his life. He's has even gone so far as to wonder what his life would have been like had he met her before my mom. However we as his children were and still are expected to treat her like we did mom. Mom was the one who comforted us in difficult times. We were expected to open up our hearts to the step mom. I was reluctant to do so given the fact I didn't know her at all. I should mention that mom and dad moved to warmer weather environment away from us kids years before mom got sick. Having no face to face contact with my now step mom I was supposed to confide in her as I did my mother over the phone. It is this reluctance on my part that led to the lies and rumors that spread that I hate her. What's wrong with me that I don't like her. Their wedding I declined to stand but still travelled the 1200 miles to attend. I was treated poorly and felt why did I even bother to show up. My sister didn't even bother to show up because of her falling out with them. I struggled with always being compared to my brother who dad thinks can do no wrong. Having read about narcissistic personality disorder I feel it fits my dad and brother as well. My recent falling out with dad I was having a medical procedure done and instead of calling dad to tell him I emailed him. I debated to even tell him at all about it because dad always gets so down I end up reassuring him about things. I explained that I'd contact him after things were done yet my phone exploded with calls from him. He left a angry voice message saying yeah son would like to talk to you. We have spoken since and actually visited. It was during that visit things clicked for me my step mom purposely avoided me while saying goodbye. Dad being right there when it happened disputes my claim later. He never calls me anymore after being ignored. I have to call him while it has been six months since I've actually spoke to him. Ive made a difficult choice to try not to let them negatively effect me anymore. I have more instances that lead me to the point I am but won't go into them. Should I bother to explain my choice to him? I will either be ignored or he will agree with my brother and say my thinking is distorted. I haven't spoken to my brother in four months since I was explaining my views to him. I realize I will never been seen as me but his son. I glad I'm not alone and found others with similar stories. Will the pain of never having a father capable of unconditional love get better.

[mikeb]

I feel as anything i say or do will be used against me. I not only lost my mother when she passed but the one person who called my dad on his BS. My step-mom is very protective of my dad and views him the victim of my "abuse." She has even said to my wife "everyday with dad is a blessing" to get me to fall back inline with him. My wife responded it works both ways. This all transpired during a recent visit by them. My wife and kids saw them while i refused to. Everybody was expected to drop everything to go see them. They made no effort to accommodate schedules of anyone else. It was we are here come visit us. I avoided them to try to send the message all isn't well and The six months of no contact is not something Id just get over. Hearing from the grapevine I've come to understand I was viewed as immature to not visit them. The choice to avoid them was quite the opposite I feel. I responded to dad the fact he doesn't understand my reasons for avoidance isn't on me but him. Ive voice my issues with him and if he doesn't get the reason its not on me. I had to do so via email because his phone is only on when convenient for him. I expected a rage filled response but instead nothing. I guess since I didn't respond to him as he wishes with Dad I miss you and love you. He says he doesn't expect that anytime soon. Those were his words not mine his response to an earlier explanation of mine presented to him.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Mike,
Thank you for sharing your story and no, you are not alone in having a narcissistic parent and not alone in the pain that this entails. You ask if you can get past this and the answer is yes -- but sadly, it is you who have to change because, if your father is truly a narcissist, he can't change. That is his personality disorder and there is no treatment for him, but there is for the adult children of narcissists!

If you haven't already done so, read the articles I have already written on NPD. The more you know about what you are dealing with the better. It is important to determine whether your father has clinical narcissism rather then just narcissistic traits. Alternatively, he may have another personality disorder that is similar to NPD. Knowing this will determine how to approach the problem you are having with him, and to deal with the pain of his rejection of you and his immediate assumption that you and your siblings should just transfer your love for your mother onto another woman with no change. This last request is unreasonable. Once an accurate diagnosis is determined, then the next step is learning boundary setting to protect yourself and increase your self esteem. If you would like a diagnosis by proxy and assistance in how to interact with your father to protect yourself and also minimize the fallout when your father doesn't get what he wants, please feel free to contact me or alternatively, to work full-on with the problem, book a session.

Being the adult child of a narcissist brings a lot of pain, but it certainly is possible to take your power back (actually it is more a case of developing your own power as your father never slowly gave you power and control as you were growing up). It sounds complicated but it isn't. It does involve a period of hard work in looking at how you view your father, yourself, and the world, but yes, it is possible to "get over " having a narcissistic parent and lead a happier life not always looking backwards waiting for the next blow to come.

I hope this helps,
Best wishes,

Beth

[mikeb]

Thanks Beth I have been doing extensive reading and listening to my siblings stories as well as my aunts. One of my aunts still seeks dads approval of her still today. Its to much of a coincidence to ignore. My step-mom reenergized my fathers will to live after mom died. She saved him so I felt and feel like him pushing her on us so hard was because he thought we his kids needed saving too. I didn't so something was wrong with me. In other words I wasn't like him but me. This has been an eye opening experience and journey for me. Thank you and thanks to others who shared stories. It isnt easy but I will be stronger for it and a better dad myself.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Mike,
You certainly will be a better father for the experience as you will be sensitive to invasions of personal emotional boundaries. Your aunt has been literally hypnotized by your father's "power" -- keep watching for patterns in your father's behavior and talking to your siblings as you are. Your father may or may not have NPD ( he needs to be clinically diagnosed), but whatever the problem may be with him, he has a need for power and will reject or belittle those that don't don't fall in line. If you get stuck, come back and talk some more. Keep reading and learning and taking back your power and setting your own boundaries.
Best wishes,

Beth