the "unspoken rules" spoken

[Lori12345]

I'm the child of a covert, vulnerable, narcissistic mother, with a sister that followed in her footsteps. After a lifetime of trying to play by their unspoken rules (and always failing) I decided to write them down. Seeing the "rules" printed allowed me to see the absurdities, which allowed me to laugh at them, which helped me realize I can't "win,"which helps me heal. Hoping this helps you, too....
Lori

The Momtricia Rules
1. Never ask them any questions.
All questions are either accusations in disguise, or invasions of privacy; and accusing them or invading their privacy is picking on them.

2. Never answer their questions.
They don't ask questions because they want to know your answer, they ask questions so you can confirm and validate to them that their thoughts/viewpoints are correct. Therefore, unless you answer with the answer they expect to hear, you have told them they are wrong. Telling them they are wrong is picking on them. Stop picking on them.

3. Never disagree with them.
To do so implies that their thoughts or opinions are wrong, and telling them they are wrong is picking on them. Why are you always picking on them?

4. Never express yourself, your thoughts, ideas, viewpoints, opinions, likes or dislikes.
Not to be confused with Rule #3, which is about disagreeing with something they said, Rule #4 warns you to never divulge anything about yourself. Divulging anything about yourself is just as dangerous as disagreeing with them, as your thoughts may be different from theirs, and if it is, this tells them they are wrong, and telling them they are wrong is picking on them. Why are you so mean?

5. Never try to help them.
Attempting to help them implies they are in need of help. Telling them they need help is a criticism of them, which is picking on them, which is very mean and nasty. You're the one that needs help because you are so mean and nasty.

6. Never find humor in any place they do not.
Laughing when they are not, implies that you're laughing at them, which is picking on them; or that they have no sense of humor, which is criticizing them. Picking on them and criticizing them starts a fight, and only a mean and nasty person would start a fight, so your laughter proves how mean and nasty you are.

7. Honesty is not the best policy.
Your mother has spent years yelling at you that “you're brutally honest," "you don't care who your honesty hurts," or "you're honest to a fault," yet you persist in being honest. Only a mean and nasty person like you would continue to hurt them by being so honest. Why do you enjoy hurting them so much?

8. Never bring up the past or use the word "Remember."
Remembering something they do not remember is telling them they are forgetful, which is picking on them. Remembering something differently than they do, tells them their memories are faulty, which is criticizing them. Asking them if they remember something is a question, which is an accusation, which is being mean to them. Remembering something funny they said or did is laughing at them, which is laughing at their expense, which is picking on them. Using the word "remember" implies they are forgetful, which implies they are senile. Remember, everything that comes out of your mouth is a criticism of them, you mean and nasty person.

9. Stay Confused.
Never, ever, ask them to explain or clarify anything they say or do. Even if you're totally confused, it makes no sense, or there are things blantantly wrong with what they are saying, stay quietly confused! Asking them to clarify, repeat, or explain proves you think they are inarticulate, incoherent and incomprehensible. Those insults are criticisms of them, and when you criticize them, it proves they are right, you are a mean and nasty person.

10. Hide your intelligence.
Knowing anything that they do not know implies they are stupid and makes you a Know-it-all, which they will mutter under their breath at you so you can hear. Calling you a know-it-all does not mean they are picking on you or that they are mean and nasty. You're still the mean and nasty one as you started this by calling them stupid.

11. Don't avoid them.
Staying away from them proves you think they have difficult personalities, which is yet another attack on them. Why can't you stop attacking them?

12. It's always a No-Win Situation.
If you speak, you're "finding fault with everything they say." If you stay quiet, your "silence speaks volumes," all of which is negative, critical, mean and nasty....and they will immediately point this out to you. They will not see how pointing this out to you is actually finding fault with everything you say. They are not the mean and nasty ones, you are. It's two against one. Give up.

13. No good deed will go unpunished.
Remember the cat rescue you mean and nasty person. And now the help with the printer.

14. Never be yourself. You need to be like them. No, wait, they don't like each other's personalities so that won't work either.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Lori,
Sounds like you have worked out many of the rules of the game that are required to "be" with a narcissist! Being aware of the games that narcissists play is one of the first steps in freeing yourself from their supposed "power". I hope this is the case for you and that by seeing these rules you have been able to see the situation through the lens of NPD and you are doing ok. It is a huge grief to have a narcissistic parent (and a sister on the side) so I hope you have been able to deal with that grief and come out on the other side a stronger person. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Best wishes,

Beth