Narcissistic Father

[Grierv]

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on dealing with my narcissistic father. I'm in my late thirties, and my father has been the source of so much drama, negativity and stress in my life, that I've finally gone no contact. When I was young, I managed to do this for a couple of years, and actually had the happiest and most peaceful time of my life. But after much pressure, and unsolicited contact from his friends and family, I allowed contact again, and all these years on, have gone back to where I think I should have been all along.

My father has a large support network, however, with his side of the family who we were never close to. He was but we had little contact with them, and as an adult the only contact I have really had with them is when contact is made to advocate for my father, which causes me extreme upset. I am just on my own. Since my mother's family have passed, and my mother last year, issues around this have become more apparent. Around the time of my mother's death I was marginalised to such an extent that it almost felt as painful as my mother's passing.

There was a major argument because I wanted to have something said in my mother's eulogy, and, my father created such an issue over this, that I almost didn't go to funeral. There were so many examples of the exclusion, abuse and marginalisation around this time, with him constantly involving people he knows, talking about me to them, actively trying to humiliate me in front of them, and generally making it seem as if I was the cause of it all. His sister even told me that it was really all about my father as I had my own life, which upset me so much that I told her exactly what I thought, reminding her that my mother was a part of my life. I have never felt so alone or isolated, which,I know, is exactly what my father wanted.


A favourite tactic my father has deployed in the past, that I know will happen again, is to send people to speak for him and advocate for him. And, honestly, I am scared for when this happens again, as I find it very difficult to deal with. I have had his brother turn up late at night in the past, and when I was younger one of his work colleagues was waiting for me after work to tell me what he thought of how I was treating my father. I know that he will be doing what he has always done over the years, at the moment, which is constantly to be talking about me, building up sympathy and generally getting everyone on side. It has always worked for him, and is his favourite tactic. Divide and rule, and smear campaigns.

I'm dreading a knock at my door, from some defender or other. All I want is peace and to escape the drama and dysfunction. But I know that when the inevitable happens, and it will happen, that I will be ill equipped to deal with it. It makes me angry even thinking about it, so when his brother or someone comes to tell me how it is terrible that I am not in contact with him, I will inevitably want to give them a piece of my mind and try and explain things from my point of view. But this would seem to play into his hands, and of course, telling anyone who is willing to do that, it is none of their business doesn't work either, or certainly hasn't in the past. I just feel really anxious about this, as I know I am due for it happening sooner rather than later.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on dealing with my narcissistic father. I'm in my late thirties, and my father has been the source of so much drama, negativity and stress in my life, that I've finally gone no contact. When I was young, I managed to do this for a couple of years, and actually had the happiest and most peaceful time of my life. But after much pressure, and unsolicited contact from his friends and family, I allowed contact again, and all these years on, have gone back to where I think I should have been all along.

My father has a large support network, however, with his side of the family who we were never close to. He was but we had little contact with them, and as an adult the only contact I have really had with them is when contact is made to advocate for my father, which causes me extreme upset. I am just on my own. Since my mother's family have passed, and my mother last year, issues around this have become more apparent. Around the time of my mother's death I was marginalised to such an extent that it almost felt as painful as my mother's passing.

There was a major argument because I wanted to have something said in my mother's eulogy, and, my father created such an issue over this, that I almost didn't go to funeral. There were so many examples of the exclusion, abuse and marginalisation around this time, with him constantly involving people he knows, talking about me to them, actively trying to humiliate me in front of them, and generally making it seem as if I was the cause of it all. His sister even told me that it was really all about my father as I had my own life, which upset me so much that I told her exactly what I thought, reminding her that my mother was a part of my life. I have never felt so alone or isolated, which,I know, is exactly what my father wanted.


A favourite tactic my father has deployed in the past, that I know will happen again, is to send people to speak for him and advocate for him. And, honestly, I am scared for when this happens again, as I find it very difficult to deal with. I have had his brother turn up late at night in the past, and when I was younger one of his work colleagues was waiting for me after work to tell me what he thought of how I was treating my father. I know that he will be doing what he has always done over the years, at the moment, which is constantly to be talking about me, building up sympathy and generally getting everyone on side. It has always worked for him, and is his favourite tactic. Divide and rule, and smear campaigns.

I'm dreading a knock at my door, from some defender or other. All I want is peace and to escape the drama and dysfunction. But I know that when the inevitable happens, and it will happen, that I will be ill equipped to deal with it. It makes me angry even thinking about it, so when his brother or someone comes to tell me how it is terrible that I am not in contact with him, I will inevitably want to give them a piece of my mind and try and explain things from my point of view. But this would seem to play into his hands, and of course, telling anyone who is willing to do that, it is none of their business doesn't work either, or certainly hasn't in the past. I just feel really anxious about this, as I know I am due for it happening sooner rather than later.

Hi Grievr,
A parent who genuinely wants contact with an estranged child acts in a gentle and considerate way, and offers an olive branch and hopes for something good to come of it.
In your case, your father needs the assistance of others to do his work for him, but has hypnotised them into believing the fault in the relationship is all yours. So he is very persuasive and thus highly manipulative. When you go 'no contact' you have the upper hand in his mind, as he has lost control then, and that is infuriating for a narcissist. And so he calls on others to back him, and to do this he has to trash talk you. Anyway, you know all this.
I guess the decision for you is to go one of two ways -- learn better boundaries to deal with your father and his relatives so that you can have some sort of relationship with your extended family, or to go back to no contact again. I have written articles on the pros and cons of going no contact and you will find them in the NPD section on the main webpage. You may get some help from reading these. Going no contact is a big decision and for some it is the best move, for others, it is not. Each individual case is different. I can help you learn stronger boundaries with your father and his family or, alternatively help you to decided if no contact is the way to go. It's not easy, but you do need peace. Have a read of my articles if you haven't already done so, and if you would like to book a session just go to Services on the main webpage.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
Best wishes,

Beth