My own worst enemy

[yenny_poo]

I finally understand now why I get that feeling like I want to die... because I can't handle the anguish of feeling guilty all of the time, feeling like I am good for nothing, that no one could possibly love and care for me... forgive me... for acting like my mother did and hating myself for it. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior but I know I am this way because she raised me, how do I be different? I hate her for it and wish she had an abortion. What did I do to deserve this?! Why am I such a horrible person because she raised me? I could never kill myself though. I love my sister too much, I won't be that selfish! As much as I read on all of these articles about NPD mothers/parents and try to understand why, it doesn't assuage the pain inside of me. It is like a slap in the face to realize that all this time I was manipulated, abused and seemingly brainwashed, not loved, not even the tough kind. The hurt comes crashing down on me again... I just got loose of her clutches (she tossed me away like a piece of garbage again). I realize I have to mourn, but why for this person who never really cared for me... why? I feel like mourning myself. I never got to be who I could have been or want to be because she sucked the life out of me. She twisted and contorted me like a puppet for amusement. I guess I can't point a finger at her anymore.... because just like her parents made her so unhealthy and into this 'monster'... she did the same to me. Pointing a finger doesn't do anything. I have to just 'deal with it'.... like she told me so angrily when I was 16 years old; I finally got up the courage to confide in her that I felt depressed and suicidal. I used to day dream about running away but did not have the courage. Depression and anxiety are overwhelming and thoughts of dying start to set in. I never understood then why I felt that way and I feel so sad for my clueless younger self; I wish I could hug and love her now and tell her it isn't her fault. That she didn't deserve that. If only I had understanding then, maybe I would have really run away... maybe I wouldn't have been so scared, so dependent, that I could have taken my life into my own hands and done something better with it.

I understand now that I was abused by my N mother... it's hard though, I even still doubt myself and my feelings... my memories of how she treated me; the ones I can remember. The only way to describe my 'relationship' with my mother was like a roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off. There were highs that were so high I never wanted to come down.... but I always did, like she pulled the floor out from beneath me and I would fall, it seemed.... like.... forever, until she would catch me just barely and bring me back up again... I never thought I would get off of this nightmare of a ride... I still feel like I am on it...

I am 31 years old. I decided a very long time ago that I was never going to have children... and I think my subconscious knew why, but I didn't. I just decided I didn't like children... maybe that's because my mother didn't like me... but my subconscious knew that I would never want to subject another child to this insidious torment. All I have ever wanted is to feel good about myself... and to trust and believe that other people could love me too. I could never raise a child, love a child, care for a child properly if I couldn't even do this for myself. My relationship has been on and off for months or years with my mother since I left her house of horrors at 18. I finally had the last straw break this camel's back and I am no longer in contact with my mother after she threw me away last year August and have no intention of being so ever again. I realize that when ever I reunite with my mother it is just an imitation of our previous 'relationship' when I was growing up - a roller coaster of emotions to feed the black pit of despair that she is and I can't do it anymore.

I met a man over 9 years ago and we are still together... miraculously. I want to keep this man in my life. He has shown me more love, compassion, kindness and patience than anyone I have ever known. He has never given up on me. When I am tearing myself down, he is always trying to help build me up. He sees in me what I want to see but have such a hard time seeing. I've lost people in my life because they could not handle my depression or anxiety or whatever struggles I was dealing with throughout my life while he has stuck by my side; I want to keep this person in my life. He gives me hope that I can love myself one day like he loves me. I have had periods where I have felt okay... but I know through the entirety of this relationship I have always been insecure. I know at times it can be very challenging for him to be around this, but I also know that he understands that my mother is not a healthy person and has had a huge impact on me. He says she is a horrible person. He hasn't always understood our relationship or why I kept going back to her, but neither have I until recently. I want to be healthy and happy for the both of us... when I break down, he reminds me of all the times when I am... 'myself'; an extremely sweet, funny and nice person who people love and want to be around. Even to this day I have a hard time believing that... but I want to.

I really just want to feel better. I want to love myself and really believe and feel that love. I want to care for myself instead of wanting others to care for me. I want to fill this void and have it spill over the brim to prove to myself that there isn't a hole inside of me so deep no amount of love could ever fill it; I am not my mother. It is so hard... I can't tell if the 'love' I still have for her is out of guilt... I feel like I hate her and I see her in me all of the time. It's hard not to hate myself.

Realizing this painful truth has trudged up a lot of awful feelings inside of me... I know I don't always feel this bad, but this realization was like a stab in the heart all over again. How can I deal? I usually try to stay angry at her because I feel less powerless than being depressed and sad... but lately I find that I hurt too much to be angry. I want to drown myself in tears. Why am I so sensitive and emotional... why can't I just let go of all of the hurt and live my life? Haven't I suffered enough?

[Beth McHugh]

I finally understand now why I get that feeling like I want to die... because I can't handle the anguish of feeling guilty all of the time, feeling like I am good for nothing, that no one could possibly love and care for me... forgive me... for acting like my mother did and hating myself for it. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior but I know I am this way because she raised me, how do I be different? I hate her for it and wish she had an abortion. What did I do to deserve this?! Why am I such a horrible person because she raised me? I could never kill myself though. I love my sister too much, I won't be that selfish! As much as I read on all of these articles about NPD mothers/parents and try to understand why, it doesn't assuage the pain inside of me. It is like a slap in the face to realize that all this time I was manipulated, abused and seemingly brainwashed, not loved, not even the tough kind. The hurt comes crashing down on me again... I just got loose of her clutches (she tossed me away like a piece of garbage again). I realize I have to mourn, but why for this person who never really cared for me... why? I feel like mourning myself. I never got to be who I could have been or want to be because she sucked the life out of me. She twisted and contorted me like a puppet for amusement. I guess I can't point a finger at her anymore.... because just like her parents made her so unhealthy and into this 'monster'... she did the same to me. Pointing a finger doesn't do anything. I have to just 'deal with it'.... like she told me so angrily when I was 16 years old; I finally got up the courage to confide in her that I felt depressed and suicidal. I used to day dream about running away but did not have the courage. Depression and anxiety are overwhelming and thoughts of dying start to set in. I never understood then why I felt that way and I feel so sad for my clueless younger self; I wish I could hug and love her now and tell her it isn't her fault. That she didn't deserve that. If only I had understanding then, maybe I would have really run away... maybe I wouldn't have been so scared, so dependent, that I could have taken my life into my own hands and done something better with it.

Hi Yenny,
Thanks for posting. It's good to get it out plus to see that you are not the only person who has suffered at the hands of an NPD mother. There is so much for you to learn about this disorder that will help you to realize that you have been brainwashed and hypnotized by the most important person in your childhood world -- your mother. The fact that she suffers from this disorder would never have been apparently so everything she said and did to you has been absorbed by you like a sponge. Why wouldn't you, she is your mother? Our parents are gods to us when we are little and once the false beliefs are sown, they are believed without question. This is why you feel so bad about yourself and at times just want to die because you have believed all your mother has said. And she wouldn't lie , would she? YES, she would!

Believe me there is hope for you -- one of my specialties is working with adult of children of NPDs and it certainly is possible to get out of the place you are in. Start by reading the articles I have written on NPD and see if these resonate with you. Because of the level of anguish you experience, you may be dealing with a subset of NPD called sadistic narcissism. But don't let that throw you -- believe it not, you are much more powerful than your mother and she is a very sick and emotionally weak person, that is why she feels the need to abuse you. You are the strong one. I know you don't feel like that today, but that is the truth and when this suddenly clicks as I spoke about in another post, you will be well on the way to recovery. You will never forget the pain you have gone through, but having some counseling will turn the open wound into a healed scar. If you have any further questions please contact me.

Best wishes,

Beth

I understand now that I was abused by my N mother... it's hard though, I even still doubt myself and my feelings... my memories of how she treated me; the ones I can remember. The only way to describe my 'relationship' with my mother was like a roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off. There were highs that were so high I never wanted to come down.... but I always did, like she pulled the floor out from beneath me and I would fall, it seemed.... like.... forever, until she would catch me just barely and bring me back up again... I never thought I would get off of this nightmare of a ride... I still feel like I am on it...

I am 31 years old. I decided a very long time ago that I was never going to have children... and I think my subconscious knew why, but I didn't. I just decided I didn't like children... maybe that's because my mother didn't like me... but my subconscious knew that I would never want to subject another child to this insidious torment. All I have ever wanted is to feel good about myself... and to trust and believe that other people could love me too. I could never raise a child, love a child, care for a child properly if I couldn't even do this for myself. My relationship has been on and off for months or years with my mother since I left her house of horrors at 18. I finally had the last straw break this camel's back and I am no longer in contact with my mother after she threw me away last year August and have no intention of being so ever again. I realize that when ever I reunite with my mother it is just an imitation of our previous 'relationship' when I was growing up - a roller coaster of emotions to feed the black pit of despair that she is and I can't do it anymore.

I met a man over 9 years ago and we are still together... miraculously. I want to keep this man in my life. He has shown me more love, compassion, kindness and patience than anyone I have ever known. He has never given up on me. When I am tearing myself down, he is always trying to help build me up. He sees in me what I want to see but have such a hard time seeing. I've lost people in my life because they could not handle my depression or anxiety or whatever struggles I was dealing with throughout my life while he has stuck by my side; I want to keep this person in my life. He gives me hope that I can love myself one day like he loves me. I have had periods where I have felt okay... but I know through the entirety of this relationship I have always been insecure. I know at times it can be very challenging for him to be around this, but I also know that he understands that my mother is not a healthy person and has had a huge impact on me. He says she is a horrible person. He hasn't always understood our relationship or why I kept going back to her, but neither have I until recently. I want to be healthy and happy for the both of us... when I break down, he reminds me of all the times when I am... 'myself'; an extremely sweet, funny and nice person who people love and want to be around. Even to this day I have a hard time believing that... but I want to.

I really just want to feel better. I want to love myself and really believe and feel that love. I want to care for myself instead of wanting others to care for me. I want to fill this void and have it spill over the brim to prove to myself that there isn't a hole inside of me so deep no amount of love could ever fill it; I am not my mother. It is so hard... I can't tell if the 'love' I still have for her is out of guilt... I feel like I hate her and I see her in me all of the time. It's hard not to hate myself.

Realizing this painful truth has trudged up a lot of awful feelings inside of me... I know I don't always feel this bad, but this realization was like a stab in the heart all over again. How can I deal? I usually try to stay angry at her because I feel less powerless than being depressed and sad... but lately I find that I hurt too much to be angry. I want to drown myself in tears. Why am I so sensitive and emotional... why can't I just let go of all of the hurt and live my life? Haven't I suffered enough?