Welcome!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi to all readers. If you would like to post questions about NPD or simply talk among yourselves please feel free. Dealing with a narcissistic parent is a very stressful life problem and often results in illness withing the affected adult child. But it also helps to know that you are not alone, and that many people share the pain of growing up under a narcissistic regime. I look forward to chatting to you all!
Beth

[Grizelda]

Hi Beth - and thank you so much for starting this forum! I've written 1000s of words about my situation at the other place (Happy Families? oh I can't remember what it's called but anyway -- it's helped me SO much to get your advice. You and the others there (and a handful of other websites and books) have truly given me the courage to attempt to set boundaries and limits with my NM (and after a rather poor reaction, which of course, YOU PREDICTED), am currently No Contact, since mid February.

I was talking with my husband last night about the whole weird situation, and he said her rageful OTT reaction is what's the keynote of the whole thing. It's like the minute I criticized her and asked for an improvement of our way of communicating (sic), she blew up and DISOWNED ME!

After she tried to get back in touch, I reiterated what my issues were and what I needed, and again, she wouldn't even consider discussing it (which is the whole problem in a nutshell anyway) -- and she called my son to ostentatiously take my name off all accounts and put his on them instead. She told him not to tell me - and it turned out she had to get my signature to do it anyway, but sheesh! You'd think I'd been nasty or something but I WASN'T! I simply said that I couldn't take the tantrums anymore and I wanted a day to think about all her requests of me.

Well, I should have known. I was told (Beth, you seem to know everything about these people!) But I think I subconsciously knew this might happen, and I'd told my husband many times that I'm happiest when she's angry and refusing to talk to me, so I wasn't too worried about the reaction, though it did hurt. So I really think I've managed to bungle into NC without really having set out to do it -- I just tried to set boundaries by writing a moderately-critical letter.

I'm sorry to go on so long - and I hope to dial it back because I've said all this and so much more (too much more!) on the other forum, but it's an incredible relief to share with people who understand what NPD is and can empathize with my situation! Getting empathy after 50+ years of going without, when it comes to my mother - and I had no siblings and my biological father left when I was a baby - well, it means more than I can say!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda! Good to hear from you. Yes, it must be difficutl dealing with your mother on your own -- so much better to have someone to talk to. And as NPD is not exactly widely publicized it is easy to go your entire life without realizing that there is something actually psychologically worong with your parent. But now you know the truth, the hard part is accepting it. It's so hard to let go of the hope that your mother will lve you, yet this is what all adult children if narcissists must do if they are to have any peace. Gong NC will help but it will help more if you can work on the acceptance. Then the guilt monster, let alone the anger and sadness monster don't have quite the impact they once did.
Have a read of my latest article listed above, I'd welcome your experience of this phenomenon.

Best,
Beth

[Grizelda]

It's always so fascinating to dwell on your advice, Beth - it sometimes comes through clearly and other times, just in bits and pieces, and I have to keep meditating on it, or something like that.

I have some very uncomfortable feelings, bad dreams, guilt - but right now, I can't connect them with the belief or wish that my mother would love me the way normal people can. And I realize it may be exactly what my main problem is! But what it feels like is fear of confrontation -- either confronting her in person or on the phone -- or confronting people "on her side", like the workers in her Assisted Living facility or her siblings or friends, whether I know these people well or not.

Lucky for me that there aren't many. Only about three relatives who I'd feel uncomfortable dealing with, and they're all elderly. Oddly, maybe I'm mostly worried about my own neighbors on my street who know I have an elderly mother in town but they don't know much about her. I think I'd try to lie, say she's fine, and change the subject -- or just say things are strained and I don't feel comfortable talking about her behind her back -- and all my neighbors are nice enough, I'm sure, to drop it at that point. And it hasn't come up anyway, yet.

Sorry to prattle on about that, but I feel like that's the ONLY thing -- a kind of fear. Long ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, it started dawning on me that my mother didn't love me, not really -- that I was just a means to an end, or an extension of herself, and what I wanted or needed didn't matter one jot to her. Hell, she couldn't even conceive of me not feeling exactly like she did, down to silly details. Things have gotten progressively worse for 20 years but luckily, I had lots of miles between us and only saw her every few months for a couple days, so it was manageable. I haven't been a primary narcissistic source since I was 11.

Until 2005. When I did become the primary NS and my life was such a nightmare till going NC - well, I *know* she doesn't love me and can't. I know this will sound like paranoid dementia on MY part, but I honestly believe there's about a 1 per cent chance that my mother would try to kill me if she was in the same room. I'm even a bit afraid she'll hire a hit-man. Another thing I'd expect is her to visit my house and intentionally fall and then sue us for millions. Like I said, what I feel is TERROR (in connection with her) and embarrassment (with people who might disapprove of me for the NC.)

But I'll keep dwelling on what you said because maybe it (the desire for her love) is still under there and I'm just not in touch with it! Though another thing that pops in my head is that the last year or so, every time she'd touch me I'd feel like I was going to throw up, it repulsed me so much. That part feels a bit like PTSD. She's turned on me because I've been fighting back, especially since '05, and her hatred for me makes my blood run cold! I don't expect her to love me, I believe she wants me dead!

Shoot - and to think I was just gonna do a quick post and say how much I enjoyed your new essay about dads who tolerate NM's abusing their children - it was great!!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda,
If you still feel a connection to your mother, even when it's an unpleasant one, then it means that there is still a need that is unfulfilled. When you are truly free emotionally from her you will mostly feel indifference -- not fear, or a deep seated need for things to be different, or for her to be like other mothers, etc.
Try not to worry about what the neighbors think. It's hard, I know but they cannot know just exactly what you are dealing with. This is yet another problem that adult children of narcissists must adjust to. The fact that you are capable of going NC means that your mother does not have total control over you (in fact she has none -- you just have to realize that!) , even if you believe you are only doing it out of fear. If you were more fearful you couldn't go NC. So keep up the good work, you are doing well with what is a very difficult situation.

Best wishes,
Beth

[Grizelda]

That's a really helpful post, Beth - thanks so much! You've given me a new goal - indifference. I almost feel ready to give it a try, when in the beginning I was so rattled and nervous, my goal was just to make it through the day.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda, the process of detaching from our mothers is very difficult and painful and slow -- because we are asking a lot of ourselves. Who would want to voluntarily give up hoping or mothers would love us? So take it slowly and don't be discouraged if it takes a while. Nothing permanent happens quickly, keep plugging away and you will get there. And then..peace!

Best,
Beth