Feeling Guilty about Relationship with NM and Enabling Dad

[hollykatew]

Hi, just joined because I'm looking for a break in my thinking and I didn't find therapy very helpful.
My problem is that I've known for sometime that my mother isn't healthy in the mind, and that she is essentially a narcissist, however I feel so guilty for labelling her this, and feel so guilty for not loving my parents and not being a part of their lives very much like they expect.
Whenever I feel my true feelings for my parents, such as hate, anger, bitterness, and feelings of just wanting to escape, I hear my brother (the golden child) reminding me that its not them, it's ME, I'm the sick one, and my parents did everything the same with me as they did with him. The trouble is he has asked me to give examples of mistreatment, and I have, but somehow they just don't stack up for him, they are twisted so 'it's just the way you are viewing it'.
I feel so sorry for my father, who is like a doormat these days. In the beginning, he (apparantly, as my mother used to tell me, I'm assuming as a way to isolate me from my Dad so she could be more possessive) scared and intimidated my mother and threw tantrums, belittled her, etc. Which on one hand is not the way you'd expect an enabler to treat a narcissist and get away with it, however, for a conservative woman, I guess the way for a narcissist to gain admiration is to try to be the ultimate house wife/cook/cleaner etc, which my mother always did. But now, it seems like the tables have completely turned, like my Dad is the push over, like he is the pacifier of awkward situations, and my relationship with even him is so superficial. Like they're not really that interested in me, they don't seem to 'feel' for me. ?
The truth is I don't know how to go about this, I don't know what to do about them. I feel like is doesn't matter if I go for a long time not talking to them or whether I do 'hang out' with them for a while, it all hurts. No one has said sorry, no one has aknowledged that life really sucked for me for a long time and that I nearly died because of their bullshit. Don't they care? If it were my child I would want to know my child's pain.

[Smarter]

Holly,

I am sorry for your painful experience. The good thing out of all you have experienced, is you know it is not normal or healthy.

I can assure you that as long as you try to get an apology or have them admit to anything, it will only bring anger and further pain. The best thing you can do is "step out" of the insanity.

Try reading more about manipulative behavior and narcissism. Surround yourself with positive people and finally forgive them. These steps will allow you to have peace, regain self esteem and escape from being held captive by guilt.

It has taken me 5 years away from a similar situation to reach the point where I am now free. I no longer have any contact. Remember you deserve respect and you'll never get that with them.

[BKiddo]

Holly I'm so sorry. Your situation is identical to mine minus the brother part. I understand...I miss and feel so bad for my dad but my mom has him so warped he just foes along g with her...he's 70 and still works full time so she can sit on her butt. You're not alone! I'm so sorry..remember that (Dr.Beth said something along g these lines on another post and she's totally right) its not that your nm refuses to love you, its that she is actually incapable of it..the part of her brain that would enable her to do so isn't wired right. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...your brother has it rough too, and he doesn't realize it because he's the golden child. He is in denial, my (not a doc Lol) guess is that accepting what you say would mean that what she expresses to him is false...just a way to keep him there for her narcissistic supply. Its SO hard being a part of it, I totally get it. Prayers your way, Holly!! God bless!!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi, just joined because I'm looking for a break in my thinking and I didn't find therapy very helpful.
My problem is that I've known for sometime that my mother isn't healthy in the mind, and that she is essentially a narcissist, however I feel so guilty for labelling her this, and feel so guilty for not loving my parents and not being a part of their lives very much like they expect.
Whenever I feel my true feelings for my parents, such as hate, anger, bitterness, and feelings of just wanting to escape, I hear my brother (the golden child) reminding me that its not them, it's ME, I'm the sick one, and my parents did everything the same with me as they did with him. The trouble is he has asked me to give examples of mistreatment, and I have, but somehow they just don't stack up for him, they are twisted so 'it's just the way you are viewing it'.
I feel so sorry for my father, who is like a doormat these days. In the beginning, he (apparantly, as my mother used to tell me, I'm assuming as a way to isolate me from my Dad so she could be more possessive) scared and intimidated my mother and threw tantrums, belittled her, etc. Which on one hand is not the way you'd expect an enabler to treat a narcissist and get away with it, however, for a conservative woman, I guess the way for a narcissist to gain admiration is to try to be the ultimate house wife/cook/cleaner etc, which my mother always did. But now, it seems like the tables have completely turned, like my Dad is the push over, like he is the pacifier of awkward situations, and my relationship with even him is so superficial. Like they're not really that interested in me, they don't seem to 'feel' for me. ?
The truth is I don't know how to go about this, I don't know what to do about them. I feel like is doesn't matter if I go for a long time not talking to them or whether I do 'hang out' with them for a while, it all hurts. No one has said sorry, no one has aknowledged that life really sucked for me for a long time and that I nearly died because of their bullshit. Don't they care? If it were my child I would want to know my child's pain.

Hi Holly,
The feeling of guilt comes up a lot in therapy (sorry, your experience wasn't a happy one, but NPD often goes undiagnosed in therapy and even if it doesn't, unfortunately some therapists make the client the problem person instead of looking at the client environment). There is a belief in our society that we must love and honor our parents. We grow up with this -- it's all over the Mother's Day cards, for example. I have so many clients who spend an hour in the shop just choosing a Mother's Day card and I understand that completely because nothing on that card resonates with them.

However, there is a flip side to loving your parent. Your parent have to BE loveable, otherwise it's impossible to truly love them. It's hard to love an abusive person, yet if that person happens to be your father or mother, then society says you have to love them. And so the guilt starts to take hold when you don't love them. But it's what I call "False Guilt". Your brother is playing a different role to you in your birth family dynamics so what he says will not gel with what you know. If you haven't already done so read up on my articles on NPD on the main website. If you need help in dealing with the conflicting feelings that you are feeling, or any other issue with your parents, keep talking on the forum if that feels comfortable, or you can have another try at therapy and book a session and see how it goes. But read the articles first -- they are a good starting point.

Best wishes,

Beth

[looloo]

Hi Holly,
I can relate to much of your experience, particularly the "cognitive dissonance" -- you KNOW your perceptions are telling you something, but everyone else you orbit around is telling you the opposite.
For me, I went to therapy a few years ago because things in my personal life were generally spiralling out of control, and I was a basket case. I learned a great deal about setting boundaries in the first year, and that helped tremendously. But it wasn't until I was going into my second year of therapy, that BAM -- seemingly out of nowhere, out came the realization that my family dynamic was truly a twisted one, and my mother was a maglignant cerebral narcissist (so much terminology to learn! lol). Anyway, I almost forgot my point! What helped me a great deal was to explore, and VALUE, my own INTUITION. We've spent our entire lives, second guessing ourselves, and denying our thoughts and feelings -- all so that the desires of others will be met, and the status quo is preserved. I meditate for brief periods most days, and just quietly listen -- to my thoughts, to any tension (or relaxation, or whatever) I'm feeling, and it's helped me connect the dots in a huge way. I've had a flood of memories and family stories have come rushing up, and they're all seen in a completely new context. Believe me, honoring what your mind/heart/body are telling you is paramount to your well being.
And getting physical distance is huge too. You can do this with baby steps, by lessening phone calls and visits, shortening them, and beginning to communicate less and less about your personal life. In not much time, you will probably begin to feel lighter, happier, not nearly so swallowed up by your family's issues.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Holly,
I can relate to much of your experience, particularly the "cognitive dissonance" -- you KNOW your perceptions are telling you something, but everyone else you orbit around is telling you the opposite.
For me, I went to therapy a few years ago because things in my personal life were generally spiralling out of control, and I was a basket case. I learned a great deal about setting boundaries in the first year, and that helped tremendously. But it wasn't until I was going into my second year of therapy, that BAM -- seemingly out of nowhere, out came the realization that my family dynamic was truly a twisted one, and my mother was a maglignant cerebral narcissist (so much terminology to learn! lol). Anyway, I almost forgot my point! What helped me a great deal was to explore, and VALUE, my own INTUITION. We've spent our entire lives, second guessing ourselves, and denying our thoughts and feelings -- all so that the desires of others will be met, and the status quo is preserved. I meditate for brief periods most days, and just quietly listen -- to my thoughts, to any tension (or relaxation, or whatever) I'm feeling, and it's helped me connect the dots in a huge way. I've had a flood of memories and family stories have come rushing up, and they're all seen in a completely new context. Believe me, honoring what your mind/heart/body are telling you is paramount to your well being.
And getting physical distance is huge too. You can do this with baby steps, by lessening phone calls and visits, shortening them, and beginning to communicate less and less about your personal life. In not much time, you will probably begin to feel lighter, happier, not nearly so swallowed up by your family's issues.

Hi Holly,
What Looloo is saying in correct. There does come a point in therapy where suddenly it all "clicks" and the client starts to see the whole situation, if fact their whole life, in a different way. But most importantly, the view of the narcissist and the power imbalance that has kept them a prisoner but is not real becomes suddenly apparent. Once a client gets past that point, there can be a sense of "how did I believe all this stuff for so long?" . The latter belief is there because it has been sowed from birth and certainly never challenged by the narcissist, who is actively pursuing keeping the status quo as is. That's why setting boundaries is so important and yet there will be a lot of resistance from the NPD sufferer. If you have further questions feel free to ask.

Best wishes,
Beth