TOTALLY UNLOVED by NM... anyone else??

[meldav]

hi there
only found this form last night, so I thought i'd ask a question ...

was anybody else totally unloved by their parent ?

it is the case with my NM

I NEVER had cuddles (apart from once when i was 6yrs old/ which frightened the living daylights out of me!!!)
I was NEVER EVER told ''i love you'' i have just turned 40yrs old, and have gone no contact for almost 10 years, we got back in touch twice, both times i told my NM ''i love you and missed you'' both times she didnt even 'say it' back to me (even if she didnt really mean it, it wouldnt of mattered to me - i just so needed to hear her say it)
but both times - she just starred at me, with the most BLANK expression, i have ever seen on anyones face !!

i think i have resigned myself to the fact that my NM doesnt love me, never has , and never will...

being a loving mother to 4 children myself, i know how much a mother can love each child,
i guess what i'm struggling with is why shes doesnt or cant love me ??

thanks xx

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Mel,
Thanks for sharing on the forum.
If you haven't already done so, have a read of the articles I have written on NPD, particularly the aging narcissist, which is something you will have to deal with in time to come.

It's not that your mother doesn't love you -- she can't love you. She's not got the emotional wiring beyond that of about a three or four year old, even though she might be a very intelligent woman. Part of coming to grips with being the daughter of a narcissist is understanding the condition fully and then looking at the False Beliefs that you will carry about yourself, your mother and the world, because of the upbring you received. Plus it is important to acknowledge the role of the other parent in cases where one parent has NPD. The child grows up in an environment that was not normal but that lack of normality was not challenged by the other parent.

If you are still carrying the sadness, guilt and/or anger or bewilderment of being born into your birth family and the potential for becoming a people pleaser and always on the alert for other people's emotional states, problems with self esteem, and simply being caught in the past rather than being in your present and future because of unresolved issues, then contact me if you would like counseling on this issue.

This is a situation you can get out of. Sadly, not so for your mother.

Best wishes,

Beth

[jet]

Hi Mel

Yes, you are not alone. My NM was very fond of "You know I love you" It was a phrase she would attach after she'd asked me to do something. There was never any affection. If I tried to cuddle her, she would push me away. I could feel the reaction.

Trying to get affection from her was like pushing treacle up a hill.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Mel

Yes, you are not alone. My NM was very fond of "You know I love you" It was a phrase she would attach after she'd asked me to do something. There was never any affection. If I tried to cuddle her, she would push me away. I could feel the reaction.

Trying to get affection from her was like pushing treacle up a hill.

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Unfortunately for their children, narcissists are very adept at manipulation, and the above phrase is no exception. The child, and later, the adult child, is so starved of love , or "looking for crumbs" as I call it, that even a glimpse of a chance at getting this "love" is enough to make the narcissist a very powerful person. A child needs love like it needs food, and so phrases such as the above are very useful in the narcissist's arsenal. One of the key breakthroughs in therapy is truly accepting that the narcissistic parent/lover/child/sibling will never, and can never, love you. This is very hard to let go of since it goes against what we expect (especially from a parent, and in particular from a mother) and takes time.

Hope this helps,

Beth

[Done]

My mother was never diagnosed with NPD.

She has been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder.
She did knowingly leave me in a household where she knew my father was sexually molesting me, though I didn't know this when:
She called me a cold-blooded, lying bitch when I told her that that was the reason I'd moved out at 14.

She never lived more than two miles away from me while I was growing up, but a year could pass without a phone call or visit from her.
She visited my father sometimes to discuss...whatever grown-ups talked about...but left without attempting to say hello to me.
She showed up one day to introduce her new husband to me. I never knew she'd been dating.

And no, she never, ever, ever, hugged me or said she loved me except when she was sobbing hysterically about being a bad mother and wanting me to forgive her - both times at my graduation ceremonies (elementary and high school.)

In fact, she finally told me I had "never been anything but a problem" to her.

[Beth McHugh]

My mother was never diagnosed with NPD.

She has been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder.
She did knowingly leave me in a household where she knew my father was sexually molesting me, though I didn't know this when:
She called me a cold-blooded, lying bitch when I told her that that was the reason I'd moved out at 14.

She never lived more than two miles away from me while I was growing up, but a year could pass without a phone call or visit from her.
She visited my father sometimes to discuss...whatever grown-ups talked about...but left without attempting to say hello to me.
She showed up one day to introduce her new husband to me. I never knew she'd been dating.

And no, she never, ever, ever, hugged me or said she loved me except when she was sobbing hysterically about being a bad mother and wanting me to forgive her - both times at my graduation ceremonies (elementary and high school.)

In fact, she finally told me I had "never been anything but a problem" to her.

Hi Done,
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. While your mother may have bipolar, the above behaviors you mention don't qualify that diagnosis -- we are looking more at a personality disorder of some type. I'm not sure when your mother was diagnosed, but have to say that until quite recently NPD has been severely underdiagnosed and this makes a huge difference to the family, and in particular, any child of a narcissist. Having a mother with NPD is different to having one with BPD, but both leave you with a sense of insecurity and confusion about self worth. It is important to remember that, whatever negative beliefs you have about yourself have been placed on you by an adult who did not have an intact self of self themselves, and therefore the things that your mother has said and not said to you are more to do with her than with your worth. I hope you realize this about yourself and can glimpse that you are loveable. Your mother was not capable of giving you the love you deserved, but that doesn't mean that you are "faulty" or unlovable.

If you haven't already done so, read up the articles on this site on NPD and BPD. These will help you to feel that you are not alone. If you need additional help in getting past the criminal neglect you have experienced and ridding yourself of false beliefs about yourself that you may hold, feel free to contact me at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com

Best wishes,

Beth

[addseo1115]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I am new here.

[Beth McHugh]

It's always helpful to know that you are not alone in these sorts of circumstances. To know that others share similar experiences and particularly to know that these behaviors actually have a name and are classified as illnesses, not just bad behavior, is also a comfort and a relief for many people. It also gives them a springboard from which to begin to make important changes in their lives, including their self beliefs that they may have carried since childhood. Thank you to all who share on the forum boards.

Best wishes,
Beth

[addseo1115]

Thanks again guy.