How can I stay connected to family with a npd mom?

[Scooter]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and so glad that I found it. I have been reading a lot of the posts on dealing with a narcissistic parent and have found it very helpful. I am 26 years old and have a mother who I believe is narcissistic, but she has not been diagnosed. My grandma was the first to use the word narcissistic related to my mother and I believe she is right. My mom and I were very close when I was little, but as I grew older, I started to pull away a little bit because of the way she would treat me and gravitated more toward my dad who is very laid back. My mom would begin making comments like, "I always told people that you and I were going to be close, but I guess I was wrong". She would ellude to all she did for me and say she was confused about why I didn't love her or whatever she was feeling on that day. She would try to pit my dad and I against eachother like the time she ran out to my bus sobbing and saying my dad tried to choke her...I was around 7 years old. My dad has never been abusive to any of us. My mom, however, has thrown objects at me and my dad on a few occassions. Other than that, she wasn't physically abusive, but emotionally was a different story. Nothing I ever said or did seemed to be enough for her, especially when it came to showing her affection. There were countless occassions when she would follow me around the house screaming at me for one thing or another. She also has a habit of bringing up every single thing I have done wrong (or she perceived as being wrong) in the past every time she is mad at me. She constantly thinks my dad and I are ganging up on her because sometimes we have similar opinions. She often tells my dad that it is his fault I don't respect her because he let me turn out this way. My brother often gets a pass because she excuses everything he does as being because he is Down Syndrome. The reality is that my brother is very smart and often makes comments that show that he sees the situation the same way me, my father, and my grandmother see it. My mom has also started many fights between extended family members by her actions. It is hard to summarize in this way, but I hope you get the idea. It is really hard because she does have a nice side when she wants to, but the minute I let my guard down with her, she is angry with me about something else I have supposedly done.

My current situation is that I am married with our first baby on the way and we live only about 12 miles from my parents and my brother who is 19 years old and Down Syndrome. I have a very close relationship with my brother and my father (who also believes she is narcissistic and has tried to shield us, but still puts up with it), but my relationship with my mother is a roller coaster. Just like everyone else seems to be saying, our relationship is good when the attention is on her, I agree with her ideas, and I do not voice any of my own ideas. However, when she percieves me as disagreeing with what she thinks or not being supportive of what she is going through, which often entails agreeing that someone else did something wrong, then she is angry with me. Right now she happens to be very angry with me. She perceives me as not being supportive, treating her as a friend instead of a mother, cutting her off constantly in conversation, not caring about what she has to say, and just over all being disrespectful. Part of this is because I do not do exactly what she wants me to when she wants me to do it, like use every piece of her advice (some of her advice is not always appropriate or I just have my own ideas of how I want to handle a situation), I do not get upset every time she does over everything, and I do not kiss her on the lips (or at all really). She will make it a point to say "Oh I love your kisses, thank you." When someone else, such as my very affectionate brother, gives her a kiss and then look at me with disapproval. Usually, she will pick a fight with me shortly after that about the fact that I don't love her because I won't kiss her. I'm sorry, but the only person I kiss on the lips is my husband. Not that it matters to her, but I give her hugs constantly and always tell her I love her.

She also tells everyone that I don't communicate with her and never tell her anything. I guess this is true in the sense that I have scaled back on telling her what is going on in my life. I used to try to share everything with her, but it would just result in her launching into a story about herself and not listening to me anyway. Now, I fill her in but is much broader terms. She usually dominates our conversations anyway and often doesn't even ask how I am doing or if she does, she will cut me off when I am responding. I remember trying to use her as a sounding board when I was first married (five years ago this month) and trying to adjust to being a new wife with a sick husband. My husband's appendix burst on our honeymoon and due to the fact we were in Mexico, it took the doctors a week to catch it after we got back to the state. That meant emergency surgery, a week in the hospital, and several months of recovery at home. The first night he was in the hospital I stayed the night at my parents' house. The next morning, I woke up in a panic I couldn't explain and flew out of the house to get to the hospital to see him. Everyone was asleep when I left and my mom called me while I was driving and I explained how I was feeling and that I was headed to the hospital to see that he was ok. Instead of being understanding, she started talking about how scared she was too and that I should have considered that and told her where I was going. Other times I have tried to talk to her about marriage, she just starts talking about how horrible my father is because he doesn't care about her feelings. Needless to say, I have given up. I no longer tell her about anything going on in our marriage, good or bad, and answer questions about how we are doing as simply as possible. Hence, I don't communicate. This particularly makes her upset if she finds out that I have told someone else, such as my dad, things that I did not tell her. He has pretty much stopped telling her a lot of things too, but other people will still talk about conversations I have had with them and then I get in trouble. Often, I actually have shared that information with my mom at some point, but she doesn't remember it because she was either not listening or talking over me.

Anyway, I am slowly learning that there is nothing I can do to change this, but I still end up feeling crushed over her comments. I was definitely one of those who always held on to hope that things would get better and we would some day have the relationship I always dreamed we would have. I am not at a point where I am willing to cut ties with my mom. I still love her very much, but also because I am not willing to lose my relationships with my dad and brother who live with her. We are a very close family in many respects and my husband and I spend a lot of time with them. So my question is what techniques can I use to effectively set boundaries with my mom and not engage in her hysteria while still seeing my family often enough to maintain those other relationships?

My other issue is that I am terrified of how to handle things with my mom once we have this baby. My mom can be a very caring person who loves to help others and I really believe that she would be a good grandmother in some respects. However, if things don't go exactly her way, they can turn ugly pretty quickly. My mom can be very overbearing and I am afraid that she is going to expect access to her grandchild on a daily basis and tell the child how terrible I am if I do not give it to her. Even with the two dogs (yes dogs) we have now, she is like this. Every time I take them over to her house because they go everywhere with us, my mom has to draw attention to how much they love her. She will even say things like that they love her the most or like being around her more than me. She will get upset if the dogs try to sit by me over her. She also gets upset when we are leaving sometimes because I am taking them away from her and they love to be with her. Plus, if they don't give her a kiss good-bye, she gets mad at them. With the baby coming, she is already calling it "my baby" insteady of "my grand-baby" which may not be a big deal if she wasn't a narcissist, but given the situation I am concerned. I have already tried to start setting some boundaries which of course have hurt her feelings. She wants to be a part of the doctor appointments and the delivery regardless of the fact that she knows I am a very private person and will only want my DH there for the delivery. Growing up, she would always say things like "That is fine if you do that as long as you let me be in the delivery room for your first born". How do you respond to that as a teenager? Yet on the flip side, when she asks me about how the pregnancy is going and I try to answer honestly, she cuts me off and starts talking about something pertaining to her. I know this is all over the place, but does anyone have an suggestions of how to set boundaries regarding my child?

Thanks in advance for reading this.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Scooter,
Sorry for the delay in posting but my books have been closed due to client overload. It's really important that your mother is professionally diagnosed before deciding what your next step is. Several personality disorders mimic NPD and having an incorrect diagnosis and actin gon that diagnosis can cause unnecessary damage to the relationship you have with your mother. If you would like a clinical diagnosis contact me at Services on the main webpage (see link above). If your mother does have NPD there are patterns you must learn to recognise, both in her and ion yourself, that keep this vicious circle going. Although there is no cure for NPD, your life can certainly be made better if you understand the illness as much as possible. Try reading the articles on NPD on the main forum and watch out too for my upcoming book due out around Xmas.

Best wishes,

Beth

[meldav]

hi there

well , i think you are already VERY intune, with how exactly to handle your NM , and i think you are doing a brilliant job !!

all you have to do now , is continue the same 'distancing' you are already practicing, when YOUR baby is born ...

DO NOT allow your NM to take control of anything at all , because, if you give here ''just a little'' , she going to ''take alot''

and this is YOUR baby ... whom you will protect from 'any form' of harm (including your NM)
your not going to allow her to 'force' your son/daughter, albeit willing, a kiss on the lips from Grandma - are you ???

NO ! you are doing a fab job - just keep doing what your doing ;o)

mel xxx (NM & Enabeling Father)