Lost and confused dealing with NPD mother

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Vin,
Can you tell me if you and your brother are still living with your mother? If that is the case, you will need to set some very strong boundaries between you as she is not behaving in a mature or productive manner. You will need to learn how to change the way you react to her as she is not going to change. This will take some time as this has obviously been going on for quite some time.
If you would like counseling in order to deal with this problem you can contact me at http://youronlinecounselor.com/Services.htm

I look forward to hearing from you if you decide to go ahead.

Best wishes,
Beth

[Grizelda]

Just popping in to thank you, Beth, for the great new blogs on boundaries over at families.com.

I wish I could have known how to set boundaries like you advised the lady to do (about the pacifier.) I always felt upset and sort of child-like and would argue with my mother like I didn't have the authority to tell her that I was an adult, that it was my house and my child, etc. I finally, like Elinor, had to go NC because of her but also because of ME not knowing how to be firm, calm, and assertive with her. Like you said, she was always going to throw a fit anyway so why not get it over with instead of trying to placate her - and then she'd throw the fits ANYway when I couldn't please her enough. And you can never please these people enough, like you told me long ago.

Which brings me to poor Vin. I sure hope he gets out of that hell, soon, if he's living with THAT kind of intrusion and abuse. And even if you're not living in the same house, they can ruin your life. There seem to be ways to cope, but maybe for the child who's been brought up in the mess, it's harder to do.

Soon after I went "no contact" with my mother (early '09 and I'm still NC), she called my son to "ask" him to take her to the store. He said he couldn't do it right then but he'd do it the next day. She said (and I can hear her tone after so many years of it): "Well, if you can't take me right now then I don't want to go."

I would have gotten upset and started arguing. He simply said, "OK" and hung up. She called him five minutes later and said that the next day would be ok, after all. Then the next day, she called and said she'd gotten someone else to take her. (I know her - she would have been maniacally driven to get exactly what she wanted and not bowed to anyone's suggestion that she wait. That would have been like him "winning" or telling her what to do, if that makes any sense. Well, of course it doesn't make sense - but that's what she's like.)

They're toddlers, these narcissists -- and not even nice toddlers. Spoiled, bossy, mean-spirited, power-mad ones. Good luck to you, Vin, and to all fellow ACONs. And thanks, Beth, for helping us along.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda, hope things are running smoothly for you.
Yes, one aspect of dealing with NPDs that is important to realize is that you are dealing with someone who may have a 120 IQ but the emotional maturity of about a 4 year old. This is the tragedy of the disorder because it is so hard to pick at times. How can a successful, smart business person for example be unable to sort out their personal life and actually relate to others? Yet this is the problem when dealing with a narcissist. They seem competent in many areas of their lives but they live inside a bubble that they cannot see out of. The bubble contains only them and they do not understand that others have needs, feelings, a life, etc and cannot understand why they woudl want these things. Surely they are only here to serve them? This is exactly how an infant thinks and this is where they are stuck.

Best again,
Beth

[robertsamual]

Hi veejmar,

I've read all your posts in this thread and I can definitely say that you are very much tired and confused right now that what should you do. Actually its a very difficult situation when you have to live and care for and NPD patient especially if she is your mother because you can't show any anger or emotions in front of her. If you'll do this you'll feel yourself guilty. I have only one suggestion. Just be calm and take care of your mother. Good luck to you.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Vince, in regard to your last post you do need to se firm boundaries with your mother and your mother has not taught you to do this as she has no boundaries of her own. If you need help plese contact me.

Best,
Beth