Basically, accepting that he has NPD means accepting that he doesn't love me and never has. I've had no contact with him for about a year now and I have no intention of ever reestablishing contact with him. I could have a more healthy relationship with a brick wall---a brick wall would care about me as much as my dad does but it wouldn't constantly attempt to convince me I'm worthless.
I've read everything on NPD I can find and I believe I understand how NPD-impaired people think and see the world. Intellectually, I know the things he does and says are not my fault. I'm not sure what, exactly, his father had, but it was a personality disorder of some type. Either NPD or BPD---I didn't know my grandfather well enough to make that distinction, just know my dad developed NPD because of the way he was treated by his father.
OK, now to the crux of the problem. Yes, I know he he's got NPD and there is absolutely no hope of ever having a meaningful relationship with him. Yes, I know why he says and does the things he does and I'm not responsible for his childish behavior. Yes, I know that I'm not worthless or inferior like he desperately tries to convince me I am.
Doesn't change a darn thing. I've taken that first step and identified what was wrong with him. I took the second step and accepted that he's basically a soulless vampire with no capacity for love or empathy. When I feel guilty I ask myself one question that seems to alleviate any guilt I feel for breaking all contact with him---How long would he put up with someone who treated him the way he treats me? The answer is less than one conversation. So, no, I don't feel especially bad about breaking all contact with him. As for family members who don't like the fact I broke contact with him, I haven't asked them to choose between us. If they make a choice that's on them, not me.
Why then, knowing all that, do I still hear his voice in my head every time I try to accomplish something? Why do I still feel incompetent most of the time? Why do I constantly pull back at the last minute when I'm about to accomplish something important to me---sabotage myself, so to speak?
How do I fix that so I can get him all the way out of my life?
