Estranged son

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Estranged son

Post by lucylockett »

Hi, I'm new here and desperate for help. My son dropped out of college and left home 6 years ago. Contact used to be quite good . He lives with friends and three years ago began another college course. Over the past 12 months he has been hostile towards me if I contact him. I have no idea why. He has asked to be left alone. He hasn'tbeen home for Christmas for 6 years and it breaks my heart. What have I done wrong? What do I do now. Every other aspect of my life feels useless without my son. He has 2 siblings with whom I have normal relationship s. I feel useless and in so much pain I want it to stop. Helpme please.
Beth McHugh
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Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Estranged son

Post by Beth McHugh »

Hi Lucy,
Thanks for sharing your problem. When our child breaks contacts, it's so very painful. Is this particular son in contact with his siblings? Do they have any idea what the problem could be? Have you tried asking them to be brutally honest if they do know something, because it's so much harder for you to deal with when you don't even know what the reason for the break in contact is. Have a think back to that time and reconsider what could have instigated it.

Adult children break from parents for many reasons -- sometimes it's to do with the parent but it happened long ago but for some reason is affecting them now. And sometimes it has nothing to do with the parent at all. You mentioned your son changed courses and hence friends -- do you think this has any bearing on his new attitude?
Please let me know if your other children have contact, or ways you have to make contact with your son. Are your other children upset by their brother's behavior?

If you feel you have done all you can in terms of the above, you may be able to make contact with him in some way and consider exactly what you might like to say to him without putting any pressure on him. Whatever his ultimate decision, it's important for you to let out the grief you feel over the situation, as the mother-child bond is very strong -- particularly from the mother to the child, long after the child has grown up and even had children of their own.

Please get back with answers to the above questions, or contact me via enquiries on the main board. Many parents suffer the pain of being estranged from their children. Sometimes it is a phase and other times it lasts longer. However, it is important for you to feel that you have done the best you can to leave the door open. But it is also important for you to focus on your other children and even more important for you to bring importance back to your own life, because your life is important too. You deserve a happy life, and if you need assistance in working through the pain of your son's behavior further down the track, help is available. In the meantime, keep in contact.

Best wishes,

ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor
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