But the guilt of leaving her is killing me. Its all I'm good for. I was adopted at 6 months to be her caretaker. How can I give up that role at 51? If I don't go I'll lose my family. If I go, I'll lose my mind. I want out of this abuse.
I think the last three sentences says it all.
Logically, you need to put your family first, as they are a part of your future. Your mother needs assistance in her last days, but do you have have access to assisted living or a nursing home, or in-house care that can take over at least most of your role? Perhaps you could cope with doing the finances and leaving the day to day interactions to professionals. Is this possible? If her abuse has gone on for 51 years, you will feel a lot of guilt in leaving her in the care of others, so try reading up on NPD by clicking on the main website if you haven't already done so. The more knowledge that you have on this disorder, the better for you.
If you feel at a loss at how to set boundaries to protect yourself and to counteract repressed guilt and anger, then you can try booking a session and learn about setting guidelines for how you will extract yourself from this situation with a minimum of fuss.
Because the presence of narcissism has shaped your behaviour, you may likely feel a need to please others as well as your mother, and be highly sensitive to the feelings of others around you as a means of self protection. This too, needs to go in the long term so that you can live life on your terms and not always be at the beck and call of others. The latter is what your mother has imparted in you, but it can be challenged and removed. As you say your mother terrorises all of you, she has managed to impart power where she really has none. All her power is the power that you and your family have given to her over the years. NPDs are very good at doing this and therefore this also needs to stop.
You will likely be carrying many false beliefs about yourself, also imparted by her, and these need to be removed as well. Although all this sounds like a hard task, once you fully understand the disorder and the way you have been hoodwinked, you will marvel at how you have been under her spell for so long.
Contact me if you you think you would benefit from NPD-targetted therapy.
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor