NPD Brother Chaos

[tmwhite1860]

My brother is 5 years older than I am. I am in my late 50's, and he in his early 60's. As kids, we had a decent relationship. As young adults, we had an okay relationship, as long as everything was going his way. He was abusing drugs, alcohol, and his beautiful, sweet wife. Of course, he lied, and my parents always believed him. When any of the 3 other siblings would try to tell my parents what was going on, he would call us all liars, and all but ruin our relationships with our parents.
He has been in and out of rehab over the years, but, his biggest accomplishment that he brags about, is that he stayed in one with a movie star, No matter what our topic of conversation was/is, it's always turned around to be about him. Had my parents kissing his bum, until my dad died 4 years ago, 6 months after my son died.
I could give so many examples....he's been married 6 times, none of the divorces his fault. He and his grown son beat the living daylights out of each other, more than once, but it was my nephew's fault. He's been arrested numerous times for violent behavior in public, but, those awful cops did it out of spite....my parents have always believed this stuff!!! He worked several jobs, driving company vehicles, without a valid drivers license, because of his OWI's.
I was accused of being a bad sister, because I didn't go visit him at home. When I'd go, he'd sit in his office, chain-smoking, griping about all of the wrongs that have been done to him.
There are 2 kickers that I'd, specifically, like to discuss today, though. He bought a bar in the Dominican Republic, and spent several months a year there. In January of 2013, he was preparing to go back over there. My 29 year old son was scheduled for a scope shoulder surgery early in the month, and my brother scheduled for an angiogram the same day. My son, because of so many obviously tragic errors, never woke up after his surgery. He was rushed to a larger teaching hospital 1 1/2 hours away, where my kids, his wife, her family, and his best friends, moved in and camped out. My brother left for his bar in the D.R. After a week of ups and downs, we were told that my son was never going to get his brain function back again, and we had to let him go. As I'm sure that you can imagine, devastation doesn't even begin to cover the emotions, yet, when I came home after that 8th day, my mother came over to tell me that my brother was so devastated, he wouldn't come out of his room, and he had even asked celebrities to pray for my son!! Couldn't I call and console him???? From there on, it just got worse, and worse. In one of the many evil communications I received during this time, my brother told me that I wanted my son to die, so I could have attention for it!! He was so hurt that all of the attention wasn't focused on him, because he'd had an angiogram the same day as my son's surgery!
Fast forward to last Fall. After running him on his errands, with no compensation for gas...he has money...many were to clinics 1 1/2 hours away....he decided that he was going to go visit my mom, since her recent move to Kansas. My younger brother was getting too much attention for taking care of my mom, and " she's not his mom, she's mine! You know that, too". Two hours after he left, he called and told me that he needed me to get his house cleaned up and ready to sell. All 1,600 sq feet. He lived like a total disgusting bum, and the house was a disaster. With many thing going on in my life, I dropped most of it, and spent well over 120 hours cleaning and "de-trashing" his house, arranging handymen to fix the things that I couldn't, running back and forth to pick up and return materials, etc.....it was so nasty!!! During this time, he would call and tell me, "I need you to do this, and I need you to do that", but, would never answer the phone, text or emails when I tried to contact him. Even so, all was done and was looking good when I handed the keys to the realtor. That was 4 months ago. He visited recently, and, I guess that there were a couple of things that had leaked and stained ceiling tile since then. He now has told me that he's suing me for $10,000....haha.....and has my family in Kansas believing that I'm a terrible person for leaving his house that way. I've never been that kind of person, I try to help whomever needs me. Oh, I just had a spinal surgery less than a year before this, and it had gone badly. When I reminded him of this, while being told what he needed from me, he told me that his health is far worse, and he's sure that I wouldn't die from it. First of all, I know that I was a fool to help him, but, that's who I am. It's not who I will be from now on, though. I don't care if I ever see him again, but, I'm so upset that my family around him thinks that I'm the bad guy now. He's quite the con artist, and they know this, when it comes to him bashing and lying about them, but forget when it's someone else. I'm at a loss. I have a younger brother, sister-in-law, and mom that I love dearly. How do I repair the damage that he's done to our relationships? He will always be the best, have the worst health, be the biggest victim, and love all....cough, cough....( by all, I mean himself, as that's his meaning of "all")

[Beth McHugh]

Hi tmwhite,
Firstly, my condolences about your son - this would bring you so much sadness. However, you are dealing with a brother who is making life quite toxic for you. If you haven't already, have a read of the articles on NPD on the main website -- these will help in your understanding of the disorder. I would also suggest you look at BPD as well, as your brother exhibits traits of this personality disorder as well. If you are still having contact with this brother, you will need to know how to set strong boundaries and if you have been scapegoated by him, then you will need to build up your self esteem. Your brother is carrying a lot of anger, and there is a lot of denial going on in your birth family, although sometimes this can be consciously done because nobody knows any different. We can be very blind when it comes to our family of birth. Is there one sibling who you can talk to about this? Perhaps they would read up on narcissism, and maybe a small chink of light may come through. Your mother may find it hard to take on board, especially if your brother is charming at times.If you need assistance in either setting boundaries, or working with siblings or even going No Contact with your brother without attracting a lot of scapegoating from your family, contact me at youronlinecounselor.com/Services.htm
It can be hard to break free from a narcissist, especially after this length of time, but if you step out of any competition with him, that will be a good start for you.

Best wishes,
Beth