New here - not sure what to do...

[RacerWife7]

I am an adult DONM. I have 1 older brother and 1 younger sister. For the past 10 years, my sister has been the black sheep of the family and shunned by NM and her enabler-2nd husband (divorced from our father in 1978 - remarried 1982). Not just shunned, but bad-mouthed to relatives and friends. I have been the neutral party since the beginning because I felt that it wasn't fair to choose sides. Well... that's proven to be nearly impossible with NM who believes that if you're not with her, you're against her. She's the one who would probe me for information about my sister. Then, she'd get all huffy when she didn't get the answers she wanted. My sister never asked if I spoke to NM. Poor girl has been completely vilified by both her ex-husband and our NM and step-father. FFWD to this past Saturday: my sister's older son's college graduation. My sister has been forced out of her son's lives by her ex who is vindictive and flat out mean. He's gone to excessive lengths to alienate her and make her the bad guy in front of their 2 sons. So, she's had almost no contact for 10 years. Note: NM chose to stand by her ex-son-in-law instead of supporting her suffering youngest daughter. NM, Step-father, and sister's ex husband (and new wife) all in cahoots. My sister wanted to go to her son's college graduation (proud mom that she is - and she was a great mom when she was allowed to be one) and asked if I would go with her. She felt that having her older sister there might give her son a different view of her if he saw that another family member was willing to stand with her. Long story short, the day went fine - no drama because we went to the graduation, saw him graduate, then left before the rest of the graduates received their diplomas. However, the next day the s*/# hit the fan (again) so to speak in our family dynamic. Now, I'm being vilified along with her because I didn't go along with NM's suggestions to make sure my sister did NOT go to the graduation. IMO, she's his mother and deserved to be there to see her son graduate, plain and simple. And I see nothing wrong with being there for my sister on a day that was bound to be extremely difficult for her.

So... At this point, I'm completely fed up with NM and her husband's abuse and I'm seriously considering going NC. Am I wrong for going in this direction? ...Probably nobody can answer that, but, me. I just don't see her EVER changing. She has always been the way she is. And with my sister's divorce 10 years ago, it's gotten worse. I dread holidays when they involve her, yet, my husband's family is lovely and our holidays are always relaxed and fun. It's a stark difference between the 2 and I feel very lucky to have my husband and his family in my life. They've truly shown me what a 'real' family is like. I just want to end the angst and anxiety. My NM is the reason for it and has always been. It took me years to overcome some of the garbage that had been piled on me after growing up under her thumb. I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are and I maintain contact, I'll end up like her. That's the LAST thing I want. Anyone have any words of advice? Should I seek out a therapist to help me with this?

[Beth McHugh]

Hi RacerWife,
I agree it's a huge decision to go no contact with your mother. I have written some articles on this topic if you haven't already read them. These will explain the pros and cons and the process of going no contact. You can find them by clicking on the main website link above.

I think that it's wonderful that you went with your sister to support her on her son's graduation day. The problem with having a NM is that if you disobey you will be punished. You MUST toe the line or else. It's one of the rare instances where blood is not thicker than water, and you can see how your sister has been treated by your mother -- even to the extent of your mother taking her son-in-law's side just to spite her own errant daughter, who she can't control.

Your mother will never change. You can't change her either. If you do decide to go no contact, you know you will be flamed by your mother and you must prepare yourself for that. Alternatively, you can learn to set firmer boundaries with your mother if it is too difficult to actually go no contact. You will need to consider aspects such as: What will happen if my mother becomes very ill? Will I go see her if I'm no contact? This is just one example among many, including how any of your children may be treated by their grandmother. It's quite a dysfunctional web, as you have commented and you are lucky to have a husband with a "normal" family which you can contrast behaviors between.

Going "no contact" is right for some people and not for others. This too, is discussed in the articles mentioned above. If you need extra help in making your decision feel free to contact me.

Best wishes,

Beth

[RacerWife7]

Thank you, Beth. I have scanned some info about NC. I will read more of the articles, in depth, and see if that's the right road for me. I appreciate your response.

[Beth McHugh]

Knowledge is power. Good luck!

Beth