My first memory of when I realized something wasn't quite right between mom and I was when I was four. We had just moved into our brand new house. Dad was at work and my aunt was helping us. I was sent to my new room to play. I had the crayons out and was truing to color on the carpet..no big deal right?..well I guess mom thought it was. She came in to put a box in my room and saw me with the crayons. She flew across the room, her face completely white, eyes wide, and began to smack me over and over..my au t heard the commotion and had to physically pull her off me. There was of course tears and apologies, but it was like that day opened the floodgate for her. After that, any disagreement, any slight, resulted in insults and getting my face whacked. Same thing happened on my ninth birthday...I got an attitude with her because out of nowhere she changed her mind on the morning of my birthday about letting me have a party. She screamed at me and called me a selfish bitch and then when I said I was sorry (crying and sobbing) she started to smack me yelling "stop saying g you're sorry!" She let me have the stupid party..but at that point I didn't want it.
Fast forward through Mich of the same to high school. By now I realized she and I lacked that special mother daughter bond that all the girls seems to have with their moms. I was bitter and resentful bit tried to accommodate her drastic requirements for love and acceptance.. Sometimes I would be unable to control it, hit my breaking point and would yell at her and ask her why she just couldn't see that I am different from her. At that point she would tell me there isn't that better? I could tell you were tense so I popped your bubble and made you let it out...
I could never expatiate my true feelings of hopelessness desperation and aching loneliness to her.even when I got the not so bright idea to start cutting myself to take my mind off the pain and maybe get her to see what she was doing to me..she completely ignored that. I stead I was grounded, smacked, insulted and forced to take Zoloft and a bunch of mother crap for depression she was causing me. At nineteen I joined the army. It was in the army I truly started to get to know me..but still struggled and I didn't understand what was wrong with me.
On my deployment to Iraq I met my husband. He's wonderful! So supportive of me! Needless to say SHE found fault with him..I assume because he, in her mind, was taking me away. During one particularly nasty fight he became a mediator for us and after that we actually started to form some semblance of a relatik ship. A few years later, after we were out of the army, I was laid off. I found a job near my parents in my field and upon their insistence we moved in with my parents until we could get on our feet. This is wherebit really got bad.
The whole time we were there she was sullen withdrawn and taciturn unless everyone in the house was payk g attention to her. The fact that I had just started a new job didn't make sense to her..she straight up told me she, not my husband, was my priority. Needless to say that didn't go well, but the whole time we were in that cesspit I kept a civil tongue with her..all the good it did me. After several one sided "family discussions" (aka her screaming shrilly about how much she had done for me and how I was so ungrateful and not spending enough time with her) she verbally attacked my husband..and then had the balls to ask why I was defending him. Two nights later, we got INA fight about my brother (the scapegoat in all of this) it escalates rapidly, with me begging her "please let's just talk about it tomorrow..we need to cool off Und I have to get up in three hours to go to work." She flew off the couch and came at me with her hand raised. I blocked her a d told her to back the EFF off. She told me "find the effing door NOW." So we did, thank God i have an awesome brother and sister jn law, who know shes evil and took us in no questions asked. When we went back for our stuff, i foundnit in a pile in the bedroom..after my enablkbg father had promised me our things wouldnt be messed with (a promise he convenientlu doeant remember making). I lost it. Years of this and i couldnt take anymore meanwhile shes breaking pictures ans screaming that my husband and the army brainwashed me and what happened to her little girl. And then she said to us "im going to get my gun." We beat feet after that let me twll you. Sonce thwnni havent spoken to her except foe one email explainjng that i live her but i need time to heal and explaini g in clear language but politely worded what she did to hurt me...i even apologized for losing my temper. What has commenced since thwn is her tellj g me my brother and i are dead to her..and INCESSANT phone calls, 20 minjte rants on my voicemail, countless psychotic twxts and emails, all detailing how this is my fault shes the victim here and "you kniw how i get when im hurt and angry" think of anything nasty and hateful and shes said it. Im at the pojnt where i am considerinf a restraining order just to get her to leave me alone. Shes killed my relatipnship with my dad (who ive been EXTREMELYclose to my whole life) he has since disowned me and my brother. I have no desire for reconciliation. I just want to mourn the mother i never had and try tonlearn to cope and heal and to NEVER EVER BE LIKE HER. Sorry for the typos my autocorrect is a fail. Thank you for reading and listening..this is the cliffnites version of it all bit its still the first time ive said some of it to anyone. Thanks again God bless.
the slightly abridged version
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1