I hate that cannot feel close to my adult daughter.

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I hate that cannot feel close to my adult daughter.

Post by MomK » Wed Jan 04, 2017 3:25 pm

My daughter was always self absorbed, even as a youngster. Temper tantrums, manipulation, refusal to come under my authority. Her dad felt she could do no wrong, so that wasn't surprising. We divorced when she was 12 and things between us deteriorated quickly. She wanted to live with her dad, who encouraged that by saying if mom wouldn't get along with her, come live with me. Essentially, he didn't want to pay child support. She behaved so badly, I finally said, "Go!" I did not see her after that until she was in her early 20s and called to say she was living in TX and pregnant. I encouraged her to return where I could be a resource, but was up front that she could not count on living with me and my new husband, nor would there be financial support except from time to time. I took this stance after consulting with a close friend as well as a therapist. All was OK, but a bit strained. She found county, state and church resources to help, got a 2-year nursing degree, help getting a car and living quarters she could afford. We attended her graduation, only to get strange looks. It came out that she'd portrayed herself as abandoned by her family. A victim. When her daughter was older, she once said to me that her mom had things given to her because she was a single mom. My daughter couldn't hold a job. Got evicted. Etc. Fast forward and now granddaughter is 17. They've lived many places, mostly with people who took them in. My daughter says she's been diagnosed bi-polar. My granddaughter is Aspergers. I've stayed in their lives trying to be a stable influence. It has been difficult. But now I am tired. I've had severe chronic back pain, back surgery, two bouts of cancer, stress in my own marriage because of all this. But my husband and I are able to work it out. I see a therapist occasionally. We fly granddaughter here for a 1-2 week visit every summer. This year we had her at Christmas. It went as well as it can with a 17-year old who now knows she is also gay. We had some nice moments, as we always do. I am the only person, other than her mom, that she has bonded with. But when getting her on the plane, all things went awry when I felt put upon and used as she prepared to leave without a word of thanks. I'd had painful surgery (again) the day before she arrived. I'd been careful not to overdue, but this visit was stressful even though I tried to keep it low key. My husband stayed completely out of the way when I could have used a little help. Then it happened. GD snapped at me in frustration, I reacted with knee-jerk frustration back. I said to her it would have been nice to hear "thank you for all you have done for me, you selfish little bitch". Yes. I said that. Not proud. Told her mom what I'd done and she actually thanked me for illustrating to GD that people have limits. Even nice people like me. Next day I got a blistering text telling me what an awful person I was for talking to a special needs child that way. She blocked me on FB. In many ways, I'm relieved. I did what I set out to do - give her daughter someone stable to look up to. What she's able to do with that is up to her and her capabilities. But I seriously doubt I'll ever see her again. This is not the first time my daughter has written venomous letters to me. I never responded to the others. Now I'm very, very tired. I want nothing to do with the drama. But I can't get rid of this guilt that I don't really like my daughter. But one thing I'm pretty sure of: I can't help either one of them. Do I, should I, just let this relationship abort?

Alma's daughter
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Re: I hate that cannot feel close to my adult daughter.

Post by Alma's daughter » Mon Aug 26, 2019 5:58 am

Dearest MomK

I really like reading your posts because you seem strong. Even though this thread is old I wanted to share my opinion since you asked for opinions. If your kids and grand kids are doing well as far as financially and are in relatively good health and have a decent roof over their heads....

Let them go dearest MomK.

If they are hurting you... let them go. IF they are draining your life force from your body and soul then let them go. If they are fending for themselves and providing for their own needs then you, as a mom and grandmom, have nothing to worry about.

If they are managing to fend for themselves then you did something right in the way your raised them. No matter what hurtful words they hurl at you to get you to doubt yourself.... if they are grown and healthy and fending for themselves then you did your job as a mom is suppose to do.

Don't let a single second of whats left of your life be miserable. You have a right to be happy. Appreciate yourself because your kids never will.

Honey, they will get it paid back to them. We are not the only mothers. There is another mother who is a lot more strict and mean than you or I ever was or ever will be. One a lot less forgiving than you or I ever could be...

Her name is Karma and her spanking paddle are our grand children.

Sad fact that the vicious cycle of parents and adult kids lives on over and over. Such is fate of human kind because we do not know how to evolve into something better. :cry:

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