Feedback requested

Post Reply
Lostinmyownlife
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 11:28 am
Spam Check: No
Spam Sum: 15

Feedback requested

Post by Lostinmyownlife » Thu Jun 11, 2015 1:52 pm

I hope I can explain my estrangement from my 23 yr old daughter without rambling and making us all sound crazy! My husband and I have managed a blended family for almost 30 years with two cultures, two religions, children and a step child but now that everyone is grown things are not going as planned. I had a silly idea that I would always be the head of my family and my children would continue to listen to me into adulthood. They would marry people who understood our family structure and the love and concern it was based on. My eldest a son got me straight on that several years ago but after some adjustments and a brief estrangement we are in a healthy relationship.

Now for what blindsided me, the eldest is my son from a previous marriage so those problems were my burden (self imposed) with my husband our eldest biological child, a daughter is another story. As our princess and daughter of a Muslim father she was to never date, never to leave home until marriage. As the daughter of a Christian mom she was to keep any and all romantic items out of site of her father and carry on as best she could in these two cultures. When she demands to move out and roommate with her cousin at 21 we relent and buy a condo to rent to them. She begins to date a boy and by the second year she and the boy have alienated her cousin who is going to move out. Father says come home, I the peacemaker say let her 19 year old brother move in with her. Father relents, fast forward we find out the boyfriend has moved in. Calmly tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live we bought the condo for her to be closer to school not shack up. We called her home to explain her plans, she brought the boy who insulted parents. We have a weird half talking half texting relationship.

I know what some of you are thinking, she is a grown woman. Yes she is, but one that has EVERYTHING paid for by her parents, she even has a decent paying part time job working for us so she can concentrate on school. She has moved with him into his parents home, as this 27 year old has no job. We have given her space tried to move forward with a separate relationship with her but she has issued the ultimatum that until we accept her NEW NORMAL life she will live without us in her life.....But we can still pay for her car, it's insurance, medical insurance school tuition, books and gas allowance. The only things excluded are food and shelter ( by her choice) all the while still working for us part time, but only comfortable talking to us via text.

I have spoiled and coddled my children I know, but I can't stand by and have my child so disrespect her father. He has given her everything and I have to support my spouse even though I am dying inside without my child.

Beth McHugh
Posts: 206
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Feedback requested

Post by Beth McHugh » Wed Jun 17, 2015 2:16 pm

Lostinmyownlife wrote:I hope I can explain my estrangement from my 23 yr old daughter without rambling and making us all sound crazy! My husband and I have managed a blended family for almost 30 years with two cultures, two religions, children and a step child but now that everyone is grown things are not going as planned. I had a silly idea that I would always be the head of my family and my children would continue to listen to me into adulthood. They would marry people who understood our family structure and the love and concern it was based on. My eldest a son got me straight on that several years ago but after some adjustments and a brief estrangement we are in a healthy relationship.

Now for what blindsided me, the eldest is my son from a previous marriage so those problems were my burden (self imposed) with my husband our eldest biological child, a daughter is another story. As our princess and daughter of a Muslim father she was to never date, never to leave home until marriage. As the daughter of a Christian mom she was to keep any and all romantic items out of site of her father and carry on as best she could in these two cultures. When she demands to move out and roommate with her cousin at 21 we relent and buy a condo to rent to them. She begins to date a boy and by the second year she and the boy have alienated her cousin who is going to move out. Father says come home, I the peacemaker say let her 19 year old brother move in with her. Father relents, fast forward we find out the boyfriend has moved in. Calmly tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live we bought the condo for her to be closer to school not shack up. We called her home to explain her plans, she brought the boy who insulted parents. We have a weird half talking half texting relationship.

I know what some of you are thinking, she is a grown woman. Yes she is, but one that has EVERYTHING paid for by her parents, she even has a decent paying part time job working for us so she can concentrate on school. She has moved with him into his parents home, as this 27 year old has no job. We have given her space tried to move forward with a separate relationship with her but she has issued the ultimatum that until we accept her NEW NORMAL life she will live without us in her life.....But we can still pay for her car, it's insurance, medical insurance school tuition, books and gas allowance. The only things excluded are food and shelter ( by her choice) all the while still working for us part time, but only comfortable talking to us via text.

I have spoiled and coddled my children I know, but I can't stand by and have my child so disrespect her father. He has given her everything and I have to support my spouse even though I am dying inside without my child.
Hi Lost,
I think your last paragraph sums it all up beautifully. Yes, you have spoiled her and she expects that to go on. However, you are in a HUGE boat in that respect, as the "entitled child" has become an epidemic in our society today. It's not reasonable for her to call the shots while you and your husband are forking out large sums of money to keep her in the style she would like. She and her boyfriend would consider themselves to be adults -- in which case this 27 year old "man" needs to be contributing towards either his parents' coffers or engaging in co-paying for necessities with your daughter. Even discounting your husband's muslim rules, which only a few generations ago were western rules, the situation when you stand back from it is laughable, if it weren't so painful.

You married your husband, he is your primary person in your life and you need to consider how to stop being at the beck and call of your daughter. If you don't stop now, it will be going on in 10 years, and then another ten. Boundaries need to be set because not only is it causing distress in your family, it is not allowing your daughter to grow up and become an adult. If you need help in setting boundaries with your daughter, please contact. You are not alone in this situation and it can be rectified, but like a spoiled child, there will be tantrums, so you and your husband have to carefully plan and look after each other and encourage each other in this situation.

Best wishes,

Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest