estranged sons from mother

[hearbrokensoul]

I have two sons (my third oldest, and my youngest 5th child) who are estranged from me. My third oldest is worse then my youngest, because not only does he not call me or even acknowledge me, even if he's on my friend's list on Facebook, but he claims that his true family is his uncle (my brother) and his wife (my sister in law) and all their family. It got worse since I remarried almost 5 years ago. I'm constantly in depression, suicidal, crying all the time. I've sent him messages, that I'm truly sorry for whatever I might have done to hate me. My youngest is following in his foot steps, three times I've been to visit my hometown, where my oldest son lives, (6 hours from where my husband, and I live) and he's never made the effort to go and see me Now days, I text him, and he never answers me, and I'm afraid he's getting influenced by his older brother. I don't know what to do anymore, and my heart is crushed into a million pieces! Now, I just feel like giving up on life, and I think that maybe that will make them happy.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Hearbrokensoul, thank you for contributing to the forum. Sadly, there seems to be many, many parents in this situation, and mostly it is the mothers who feel it the hardest, often because it is the mother who has put much of the emotional side of parenting into the child. Often the mother is a single mother too, so it hurts even more. When your child shuts you out of their life it is such a painful experience, because the mother-child bond is such a powerful bond and completely different from the bond you have with your partner. The mother-child bond is also stronger from the mother's point of view, meaning it is hard for the mother to handle the rejection of the child. In some cases, the child is not feeling sorrow, only anger, or worse, indifference.

However, in many cases, it is a phase and I hope this is the case with your boys, particularly the younger one as he is not a mature man yet. It would be helpful if you knew why your eldest son considers his uncle to be his family now. Could you ask your brother why this might be the case? Are you on reasonable terms with him? You may have to approach this situation slowly. I know it hurts and is presently consuming you with pain. Try to instigate some sort of dialogue between you and your brother and SIL. In the meantime, no person is worth losing your life over. This is important to remember. Your elder son may have a legitimate reason for doing what he has done but you are worth more than his opinion of you. He has you in a dark place right now, but you are important too. Just as important. And you have other children to love and attend to. It is important also that you focus on your own life and your own hopes for yourself, because even under normal circumstances, our children grow up and move away and we need to have an identity of our own.

If you feel you need help in dealing with this situation, or that your son is acting in a manner out of his usual pattern, please feel free to contact me for additional assistance through counseling. Keep going, love yourself and those who are good to you, cry for your son(s), let time pass but do make a goal for your own happiness and future. Contact me if you need to.

Best wishes,

Beth

[joyann]

Hi I am sorry to hear about your sons. When my son had a minor tiff over his behaviour when we were shifting his sister into her new unit, I was immediately threatened with the police if I suggested coming over to sort out the problem. My son became aggressive and my daughter in law called the police on me when I stupidly took her a birthday present but took the present.
After an incident with my daughter she came over and smashed in my window and security door. I foolishly kept trying to make contact and make up and visited at Christmas. I got bashed by my daughter in law. Being a mother, I tried arranging mediation and sent sorry cards and continued sending birthday presents. They went to the police and asked and got an intervention order.
I had to go to court but luckily the magistrate had looked into it and noticed the records of police callouts for the violence.
We had mediation twice but both times, my son was so cold and distant and angry that I ended up having time off work and just making myself sick. They have no concept of what their behaviour is doing to me, my elderly mu, other family. Now my daughter in law is pregnant and suddenly they want family therapy and catch ups for coffee. I am now reluctant to get too close as I can see the emotional blackmail to see the child and seeing me as a soft target to be treated however they like.
So I am going to harden up quite a bit and if I see no respect and am the recipient of abusive behaviour I am going to turn the tables on them and tell them to come back and see me when they can act decently. Babies cry a lot and are very stressful we'll see how long it takes them to come running and the new word I learnt is sorry i'm busy.

[Zigsmom]

Hi,
I understand your pain. My son was my special child since I always wanted a son and had 2 girls first. We were buddies when he was young because I was a tom boy.
Then my ex cheated on my after 16 years of marriage. My son found out before I did. He didn't tell me but had been acting out. My ex was a truck driver and at his dad's funeral he introduced our son to his girlfriend. He was only 14 at the time.
I didn't know any of this until 2 years later after I had to send my son to go live with him after he had been acting out for me again. He had been running away.
Now my son had been married has 6 kids. 1 out of marriage. 4 in marriage and another by is new fiance as he is not divorced yet but has full custody of his 4 kids from his marriage as his wife is a crack addict.
My son will not talk to me at all now. I did get a mothers day text but that was right after my mom's death.
Since then nothing.
His wife hates me.
My other children- 2 daughters don't talk to me as they hate my husband. He is a Christian and unlike my ex he is a fulltime husband and we respect each other and like to spend time together. They think he is controlling me. This has been going on for 17 years now.
I have 7 grandchildren and get to see NONE of them!!
I am so alienated. I have NO children or grandchildren.
Why tell people I do? They don't recognize me.

Mary

[KRISS]

is more earnestly to discuss now since she passed two or three months back. I will never discover what her side was, and I will always be unable to attempt once again to fix it. It gauges substantial on me.. I really composed a book presently to get my story hard and fast there. I have been composing it for a considerable length of time however her passing caused me to acknowledge the time had come to get it hard and fast there, get my side of the story out there for all to hear and know. Perusing every one of these gatherings of guardians not setting aside the effort to discover what may have made their kids not have any desire to have any piece of them any longer caused me to understand that my book should be out there for the world, not simply the few individuals that expected to hear my story at the present time. When she came, I was her chauffer, not her girl. One visit, she said she would be at the hous and didn't appear until in light of the fact that she went to the bar when she got in first.