Is this the right space ?

[Steph2013]

Hi , I have no idea whether to post here or under BPD category. My adult daughter and I were very close for the first 22 years of her life. She and my two sons had a difficult home life, my ex-husban was an alcoholic and drug addict who abused his children through neglect, shame and giving my eldest son drugs. I left him when I found out that he had involved his son in drugs and proceeded a life as a single mother, it was a huge struggle financially and trying to be mother and father to two teenage boys and a young girl. My daughter was 12 when he father left he never contacted his children ever again, in reality he deserted her and my sons years before when alcohol and drugs became more important than his children. When my daughter was 17 my eldest son died of a heroin overdose and both she, my younger son and myself were completed shattered I of course felt enourmous guilt. I believe at this point my daughter and other son who was 20, felt responsible for "keeping mumhappy" this of course was not their responsibility and if I had thought or realised for one moment that they had felt this enormous burden I would have spoken to them about this. Over the next six months after my son died his brother angry and confused, tracked down the person who sold his brother the drugs and after confronting this person in his home was charged and sent to prison. Again my daughter and I were shattered and now she had lost both of her hero's and she and I battled on for 21 months until her brother came back home, we were inseperable. She started dating her now husband at this time , a very nice young man and I remember once she said to him "Mum is my best friend I tell her everything". After he got back home she and her brother completed a degree together had great fun and grew closer and closer, a hiccup occurred when he travelled and fell in love with a girl from overseas and brought her to Australia to meet us , my daughter hated her and cried non-stop telling me that she would not continue a relationship with her brother if he stayed with this girl. His relationship ended and things went back to normal for he and his siter she got engaged a few years back to the lovely man ( they were by then living together ) at this point I started to notice cracks she would snipe at me and get very defensive if I made any suggestions (regards the wedding) I put all these changes down to stress at her complete obsession with the wedding and every tiny detail of it. She developed anorexia and bulimia at this time. The wedding was everything she ever wanted and I paid for it all after two years of as much overtime I could do in a highly stressful job. After her wedding and honeymoon she started to leave everywhere we went together, she changed hairdressers and beuticians and declined every invitation I extended to her and her husband. She started to not answer calls and text messages and she fell out with her brother and stopped speaking to him and to me telling me she no longer wanted me in her life but with no explanation as to why. After a year and a half of refusing to speak to her brother and I (her brother loved her truly unconditionally and was broken hearted when she shut him out of her life) her brother died of a heart attack, for a brief time after his death she would visit me once a fortnight with her husband for coffee and once even went shopping with me but straight after she cut me out of her life again. The pain has been unbearable and I feel now like all my children are dead, but grieving for one who is alive is far more painful. She is preganant now and due in May I am very afraid that I will not be allowed to have contact with my grandchild my only connection to my children. A counsellor I saw said my daughter had BPD and I did find out she went for treatment at a clinic that treats BPD , I have studied this disorder and have another family member with BPD on my side of the family so I have experience and I certainly see in my daughter, splitting, disossociation, cognisant dissonance and other symptoms. The counsellor told me I have damaged my child , I must have abused her in some way and that she probably will keep her child away from me to keep it safe and I should walk away from her permanantly. I was shattered and though life was obviously hard I know I never abused her or my boys, I loved them with all my heart and tried to be there and respond to their needs. Can you help me with any advice ?

[Beth McHugh]

Dear Steph,
I would first like to say that you have not damaged your child and secondly, that no counsellor is ethically permitted to say what was said. You have suffered enough and I do understand completely why you find the loss of your daughter harder to bear than the loss of your sons. Your sons did not willingly leave you, but your daughter has. But bear in mind that she left the brother she adored too, so she is not just abandoning you. This is yet another reason why the counsellor is incorrect in what she stated. Your daughter may or may not have BPD. There are many incidences where adult children change when they begin a serious relationship as your daughter now has. Nevertheless, she is treating you poorly, given that you have lost so much. It is possible she has another personality disorder as she seems to lack empathy for your plight.
If you would like help with this situation please book a session. A diagnosis by proxy would determine which (if any ) personality disorders your daughter migh have, and that process would be done by yourself. Doing that would give you a direction to move in, as your life is valuable, no matter how your daughter may treat you.

Best wishes,

Beth

[Steph2013]

Beth ,

Thank you so much for the kind words I will make a session booking .

I would like further help with this please.

Stephanie