Dealing with Narcissistic Mother

[cinnamon65]

I would like to get some advice. My mother most likely has NPD, based on what I have read about it. She is so self-absorbed and will lie, cheat and steal from her own kids to make sure she gets what she wants. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

She has emotionally and physically abused me since childhood...and it still goes on. She is 65 years old, having to live with my sister (whom she favored considerably when we were growing up) because she is so financially irresponsible and can't hold a job for more than a few weeks. My sister owns her own home, is single, and has a good-paying job. She only has herself to worry about. On the other hand, my husband and I (who are still trying to recover from a layoff and huge cut in pay when he did find work) have two children that we are trying to take care of. I feel like my first responsibility is to my own children, not to some adult who will not grow up and take responsibility for herself. She expects all of us to take care of everything for her, and tells other people what bad daughters we are because we don't totally support her. She is 65 (but this has been going on for years), not disabled, and in good health...she just doesn't feel like working and taking care of herself.

My question is: should I feel obligated to help support her when I have my own children to worry about?

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Cinnamon, all things being equal, your first responsibility is to look after yourself, keep yourself both physically and mentally healthy and happy. Next comes your relationship with your husband, because if that is working well and you can discuss issues calmly and come to good comropromises when you don't always agree, that keeps your relationship going strong and that in terms impacts postively on your children in so many ways, both obvious and more hidden.
Then, comes your responsibility to your mother. But that is mitigated by her behavior. Plus whether or not she actaully has NPD. For a diagnosis by proxy you can contact me.
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but it is hard to turn you back on your mother. So what is required if you wish to maintain contact with your mother is to learn how to set firm boundaries with her and stick to them. This can be quite difficult as your mother will use all her well honed skills to get you to toe the line again. But it is the only way to deal with her if she does indeed have NPD. Also you have to let go of any hope of her changing and the hope that if somehow you can just do or say the right thing, you will be able to have a satisfying relationship with her. You also have to be able to deal with the guilt that comes along for the ride as boundaries are set. It soulnds a bit daunting but it can be done!If you feel you could do with some help in acheiving these goals you can contact me by simply clicking on the image above.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,

Beth

[cinnamon65]

Hi Beth,
I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my question. It gives me a lot to think about! I'm really glad I found your website. It is very informative.
Thanks again,
C.

[Beth McHugh]

You're very welcome!
Beth