Passive - Aggressive Obstructionist

[AyeDee]

I left my passive-aggressive husband of 15 years 6 months ago (had been agreed 3 years prior to end once my education was done but this only heightened his behaviors). When I learned to finally identify the crazy making and stop engaging him the marriage spiraled out of control. This included an act of violence to inform me of "what a piece of *expletive your kids are".
I have been able to find plenty of articles on the behavior itself including the fantastic nail on the head article by Beth at Families.com. But I have been unable to find anything for the victim.

*Resulting behaviors or tendencies in myself
*Ways of healing
*Things to be conscious of etc.

I, for the first time, had the chance to go on a date and immediately felt out of sorts. I felt like I was in this heightened awareness state like I was waiting for the ques I had trained myself to recognize in my husband. I realized this was not good. Sitting in a constant state of anticipation is only inviting disaster and will never allow me to relax and enjoy a man as he is.
So I have put dating on hold until I can start pinpointing what I am doing and learning how this has changed me so that I may heal from the experience.
I interact wonderfully with my girlfriends and my male friends, I have extremely healthy relationships with very well rounded, well adjusted people (started building my social circle up on the side 3 years ago) with only the type of people I could say I would be proud to bring in to mine and my kid's lives so when this all took place we would have a good support group and they would be a wonderful example for my kids.
The problem is romantic interaction - there's something there and I'm not pinpointing it... Can anyone recommend any good reading or sites for me?

Thank you ahead of time - I appreciate anything you can throw my way.

AyeDee

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Aye Dee,
You have done so well in extracting yourself form this situation you were in and building up a support network to help you to do so. The problem you are experienicing is a normal one in that you have learned a particualr way to respond with your husband and you have watched, waited and walked on eggshells as you tried to minimise the damage that he could wreak on you. Did you have a similar sort of relationship with either of your parents?

It will take time to reprogram yourself that not all men are like your husband. How do you usually handle other people who are passive aggressive? All these will get you directedon the trail back to be the real you. If you need help you can always contact me for a session to get you started. Best wishes, Beth

[AyeDee]

Beth,

I did not have a similar relationship with either of my parents. Everything I have learned has been a result of being married to my husband (nearly ex now). He spent so many years convincing me I was the problem but there was always this voice in me that can saying, "if it's me, then how can this feel so wrong?" I could never articulate just WHAT it was he was doing but I knew he was doing it (crazy making). A friend of mine who used to be a police detective kept asking me if he was bi-polar. While some things showed in him it wasn't quite it. I had enough contact with my friend over a year that at one point he turned to me and said, "I don't care WHAT he is trying to convince you of, I can guarantee you it is not you. You are one of the most peaceful and put together people I know unless provoked." It was the word "provoked" that got me really thinking. And then one day I ran across the term "passive-aggressive" and everything fit perfectly. I read about how to react, or should I say NOT react to a passive-aggressive person and sure enough, exactly everything fit again. But, by not engaging, it was the complete destruction of our relationship and the start of the salvation of myself. Slowly but surely began to get it and learned to recognize all the cues and to not engage his behavior.

When other passive-aggressive people do the behaviors to me now I call them to task and announce to them that I will not participate in their behavior. I let them know when they are ready to be open and act like an adult to come find me and I walk away. I refuse to engage people like this because I instantly feel it drain on me. It's not healthy.

I noticed just writing to you made a difference. Kinda like journaling - it enabled me to see and hear myself think. I am still looking for some reading from the perspective of the so called victim so I can learn, recognize, and heal more. I really want to reemerge as a whole person again, ready to trust and love fully.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi AyeDee, it's great you have learned not to "bite" when the PA acts -- like a small child reactin gto their behavior only exacerbates it. Of course, as you found, it can end a relationship. Sometimes, the relationship can change for the better, it depends on the maturity of the pwerson with PA. PA is an immature way to communicate and begins in early adolescence and is ususally a result of not being allowed by the parents to have a voice.
Unfortunately if not addressed in adulthood, the person becomes stuck in this way of reacting and actaully knows no other way. Therapy can be good for both the PA person and the victim, but it seems that you have had the strength to end this harmful relationship and your husband has not yet reached the maturity level to be able to observe how he is causing both harm to himself as well as others and do something about it. Good on you for taking your life in your own hands!

Best wishes,
Beth

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