My Son Told Me I Was Abusive

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PartlyCloudy
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My Son Told Me I Was Abusive

Post by PartlyCloudy » Mon May 09, 2011 10:51 am

I have recently discovered that my Mother has NPD / APD. I have always known that there was something horribly wrong with her. The spectrum of her abuse is wide.

I was the scapegoat and my younger brother the golden child. He could do no wrong, I was a horrible sneaky, lying, ungrateful and miserable child. Not once did she ever tell me she loved me, she never hugged me or had a kind word to say to me or about me. Her sole mission in life seemed / seems to be to emotionally destroy me and spread the word about how loathsome and horrid I am.

Just a few examples:

When my son was around a year old my Mother saw him crawling towards the basement door which led to approximately 12 stairs at the bottom of which was solid concrete. I had closed the door and let him down to crawl around and explore. While I was out of the room she opened the door and was gleefully watching him crawl towards the landing of the stairs. If I had not entered the room when I did he would have tumbled down and surely either died or been physically disabled. I was in denial for a very long time about this....surely I had forgotten to close it, surely she didn't see him crawling towards the stairs, but somewhere inside I knew it was true. I couldn't deny seeing her cold eyes and hearing her evil chuckle as I ran to save him. I never brought my children around her or my EF again, and have never forgiven myself for going back. I don't understand it and am deeply ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself or my son, I just ran.

On the lighter end. After her Mother, my NGMA, passed away (My Mother put her in a nursing home within weeks of draining every penny out of her savings account, life insurance my Grandmother had received after my Grandfather passed) she wanted to sell my Grandmother's things in a yard sale. It took about a week to get it all sorted. My Mother didn't lift a finger: she didn't sort, tag, set up....absolutely nothing (and not because she was so torn apart she just couldn't bear to go through her Mother's things, rather that she is a user and expects everyone else to do for her.) Anyway, as I said she did absolutely nothing to help. The day of the sale she came running out to put the wooden gingerbread doll I had made her a few months before as a Christmas gift in the sale. She said it was "whimsical" and she hated whimsical. She pretended she didn't know I had made it for her..... the joy on her face was unmistakable when she saw how hurt I was.

I have a dear wonderful and supportive husband, and two exceptional children, I love them with all of my heart. After the most recent battle on Thanksgiving of last year I went NC with my Mother . I have been going through a very difficult time first discovering what was wrong with her and then dealing with letting her go. Yes, I have been sulky and withdrawn and self involved. It was during this time that my 22 year old son with whom I had always shared a wonderful relationship, or so I thought, told me that I had been abusive towards him. So very devastating! I have searched my soul, meditated, asked my husband and daughter for their honest opinions....and I can come up with nothing, absolutely nothing that points to any type of abuse EVER. I don't want to deny his right to feel as he does or tell him that he doesn't feel what he feels, I just don't get it. I know that as a child of a NM I have some N traits, I'm not perfect, but never, ever have I mistreated my kids. I don't want to deny anything, I want to face whatever I have done, admit to it and try desperately to make amends. I have asked him over and over what I have done and all he will say is that we never connected on a deep level. The thought that I caused my son even a second of pain or self doubt is beyond painful, more painful than anything my mother has ever done or ever could do.

He recently graduated from college and is staying with us while he gets his feet on the ground. Today is Mother's Day and though he has been home all day he hasn't said a word to me. He just texted me from his room and asked if I could give him a haircut.

Please....any advice or opinions???

Beth McHugh
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Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: My Son Told Me I Was Abusive

Post by Beth McHugh » Mon May 09, 2011 11:15 am

Hi Partly Cloudy,
Do you know how your son feels about your mother? Do you think he loves her or does he see her as you do?
Could he be angry that you have gone no contact with her?
Do you think his anger with you only began when you went no contact and became more centered on yourslef and all that has happened to you (that's normal!) or do you think it extends back in time previous to that?
Also, how does he get on with your husband? And his sister?

Best wishes,
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

PartlyCloudy
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Re: My Son Told Me I Was Abusive

Post by PartlyCloudy » Mon May 09, 2011 1:34 pm

Beth,

Thank you for responding so quickly to my post. No, there is no love loss there, neither of my children have seen my parents more than 5 or 6 times in their lives. Every time has been an unpleasant experience for all. My parents love only one child and one grandchild. My gc brother and his son. They have made this very very apparent. Long story but NM is planning to leave everything to them when they pass. I couldn't care less....and as horrible as this may sound, good riddance. However, my older brother is very hurt, he told me that he has always lived an upright life and tried to make them proud of him only to have my Mother treat him and his family like dirt.

My husband recently retired after serving 24 years in the military. He was gone for long stretches while the children were small. I think that in some ways my husband and son have never really connected. There is some tension between them although they work out together and watch sports....so not like they are in constant conflict, but I do feel there is some work there to do.

A little about my son, he is exceptionally bright, not just smart....he was invited to test and join Mensa and also received a full scholarship to an Ivy League school where he graduated with honors. He has also always been extremely overweight. In school he was teased by classmates, and withdrew a lot into his thoughts and though we always encouraged him to appreciate and acknowledge all that was positive, such as his wit, personality, intelligence and his attractiveness (he has beautiful blue eyes and is a handsome kid) I feel that the teasing was a huge blow to his self esteem and he has never really recovered. We knew he struggled with this, we have hired a nutritionist, taken him to counseling and my husband exercises with him. Encouragement always...always.

When he was a young boy he was extremely outgoing, he would talk to anyone at anytime, anywhere about anything. Since his teenage years he has been socially withdrawn. I do remember him calling once from college and during a conversation he asked why I had never taught him "guy stuff", he said he never knew how guys thought and I should have told him. I was at a loss as to what to say or how to fill this in for him. I think he resents the fact that his Dad was not around much when he was a child but feels it would seem unmanly or somehow weak to speak to my husband about this.

He and his sister have always been close, they have inside jokes and laugh together. My daughter is very much like my husband, almost a military mind set: tow the line, follow the rules, those in authority know best. Recently, since he has returned from school there has been a rift, as she is judgmental and bossy (and proudly acknowledges this) and lectures him about things he does. She is also sweet, smart and funny and has too many friends to count. She is a joy to be around but does tend to be condescending at times. She is also attending college on a scholarship.

After all of the narcissist discussions, we all took several self scoring narcissist tests. Both my daughter and my son scored on the very high side. I feel that because of my upbringing I overindulged, overprotected and spoiled them, I did them no favors.


I am at a loss as to how to help him......

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: My Son Told Me I Was Abusive

Post by Beth McHugh » Sun May 22, 2011 5:05 pm

Hi Partly Cloudy,
In cases such as this, I can offer a diagnosis by proxy as this is the usual means of diagnosis and will set your mind at ease as to whether you are actually dealing with NPD. I woulodn't put too much faith on free online testing as they do not consider individual differences and ar geared only to obvious criteria. Although NPD cn be mistaken for other conditions and vice versa. If you feel you would benefit from a diagnosis by proxy which would be done by you then contact me by cliuking on the main website link at the top of the page.
Best wishes,'
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

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