Passing of Narcissistic Father

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Passing of Narcissistic Father

Post by cheech » Fri Oct 01, 2010 4:06 am

Its been a while since I wrote. I had been no contact with my NPD Father for more than a year. I had moved through the anger phase of no contact and had stopped fueling the fire by talking about his antics with my siblings. I had arrived at a point of forgiveness and sadness over my Dad's inability to connect and his total lack of understanding why he was alone - without his children, friends and my stepmother who suffers from severe dementia. I had moved to being his Power of Attorney for health decisions - all without direct contact. My youngest brother and I had been trying to move both parents closer to us to manage their significant health problems. My Dad never made it up here.
I received a call on 9/15 that my Dad was in pretty bad shape. Suddenly, I realized that I could not let him be alone in his passing. I made it to Florida and spent one, incredibly scarey night by his side before my brother arrived. My Dad, ironically, could not speak because he was very weak. He was able to communicate with nods and hand signals. We worked a lot out that long night - and I cried a lot of tears. I cried for his pathetic situation, his inability to understand that his actions in life led him to his lonliness before his death, his years of dissatisfaction amidst all evidence of abundance. I prayed openly for his salvation and sang him into the next life with joy and relief. It was over and HE was free.
So, the reason for writing this is to say that it's still sad when your NPD parent dies - but it becomes a sadness for them and their imprisonment. I am grateful to all of you (and Beth especially) for your help and support - and the well-placed kick in the behind that I needed to get over the NPD hump. I'm also grateful that this process really worked!!! Talking, reading and understanding has lead me to a profound inner peace. I'll continue to check on all of you and to try and return the favors you all have bestowed upon me. Thanks and peace to you all. Cheech

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Re: Passing of Narcissistic Father

Post by whatisnormal » Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:06 am

Cheech, thanks very much for posting your experience. I wonder about this topic from time to time. My husband has asked me whether I would attend either my NM's or her NM's funeral. Since I will probably be the one arranging my NM's I would assume that I would attend. How I will deal with all of her family and friends who have been lied to about me, I don't know yet. My grandmother, I'm not so sure...I pretty much think I wouldn't or if I did I would just go to the viewing at an off time when no family would be there. At least w/ my NM's funeral, I should have some control over the service, and I know all of my dad's family would be there to support me. That creates a bit of an awkward situation as well as I have not trashed my mom to them, or told them anything at all about our severed contact, as she has done w/ her family. She cut off contact w/ them (in a dramatic letter I think according to my brother) about 2 years ago, and we just all never speak about her. She was never really involved on that side much anyway. They have always included her, but she has never really been too psyched about participating in anything on that side of the family.

I think it was courageous of you to be by your dad's side. I hope I can have courage, grace, maturity, class, etc. when the time comes. Sounds like you had all of these. Again, thanks very much for sharing.

Beth McHugh
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Re: Passing of Narcissistic Father

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:01 am

Hi Cheech, I am sorry to hear of the passing of your father. As you work your way through the first year of grieving (which is regarded as the psychologically minimum period to even begin to get over the loss of a loved one) be easy on yourself when you think about your father.

One thing you might be interested in knowing and can help you on this journey is that it is actually harder to get over the death of a "difficult" parent than one that you adored. Although this seems a conundrum, it is the case. And it is because there can be so many unresolved issues that the grieving person still has to deal with even though the parent is dead and doing no active harm. The harm lies there still, like a time bomb.

People commonly think it will be great when their dysfunctional father or mother dies, but this is not always the case. I have written several articles on this very topic and will load them this weekend and leave a link so that you, and others in this position can read them.

I hope this helps, Cheech, and I'm glad you had that time with your father. What a waste this illness is, yet it is the sufferer who understands this and grieves, while the living narcissist has no idea of what they have missed out on. If you need asssistance in talking about your loss or you get stuck in the grieving process for your Dad, you can always contact me.

Best wishes,
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

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