Please help

shrek
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Please help

Post by shrek » Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:34 am

2 months ago my daughter and I arrived at my sister's place. My daughter who is 17 was supposed to live with my sister and her husband while in university. I started noticing behaviors in my sister's husband and my sister that bothered me. It seemed like the highlight of my daughter's stay with them was to be with them during their social functions and other activities. This was irregardless to whether it was a school day or the event was late at night or she had to wake up early next day for class. Whenever I said she could not go,my sister's husband would have anger outbursts. One morning he banged the cabinet door and slammed the pan on the stove so hard it startled me,just because I said my daughter and I were eating breakfast later because she was still asleep. My sister did not even react,as if she heard nothing. One time he said to me in an authoritative,self-righteous manner "there will be changes...this is a holiday because you are here!!" referring to my daughter. When I confronted my sister about this statement,she was argumentative and angry at me. Several times her husband would be verbally abusive to my sister. Can he be physically abusive to her too? Several times he would drive the car just as my sister was about to get in. He would not apologize when his attention was called. I fear one day he will run over her. I looked at the DSMIV criteria for OCPD, and he has all of them. He is very controlling. Even if he tries to speak softly and uses kind words,I feel the hostility and resentment when I say 'no' to him. I have changed my mind about leaving my daughter in their care. They were so angry at me. But I sense my sister's husband trying very hard to be in control. I see also signs of narcissism. He thinks so highly of himself, he is miserly towards my sister but splurges on himself. He controls what she eats and throws the food we buy on the counter or the bed when he does not approve of what we eat. He has all these schedules and plans that everybody has to follow,if not he has anger outbursts. Can an ocpder also be narcissistic? Can he be violent too? Thanks for any advice.

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Please help

Post by Beth McHugh » Thu Jan 06, 2011 8:54 am

Hi Shrek,
It is unlikely that your BIL has both OCPD and narcissitic personality disorder. Although co-morbidity does exist, it is extremely rare and it is more likely that your BIL has only one disorder. I do hope your sister is ok and that you have found alternative accommodation for your daughter -- she hardly needs more stress while studying. If your sister is concerned about her husband , or you woudl actually like to know what is worng with him, it is possible to do a diagnosis by proxy. If he has narcissism, that is the best one can do anyway. Narcissists will never go to therapy.

If you would liike a diagnosis please contact me and I will devise a questionnaire for you to answer. Your sister might like to participte too. That way, you will understadn what, if anything, you are dealing with and the best ways to handle this type of behavior.

Best wishes,
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

shrek
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Re: Please help

Post by shrek » Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:07 pm

Dear Bieth,
Thanks so much for your concern. My daughter and I have left my sister's home. My sister does not accept that there is something to be concerned about in her husband. In fact she is mad at me for even telling her. I would like to have an assessment but am not sure if I can answer all the questions. I just want this for my benefit because, I am trying to understand or make sense of everything that happened. Thanks.

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Please help

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:24 am

Hi Screk,
I'm glad to hear you have left such a toxic environment, especially for your daughter's sake. There's not much you can do for your sister if she won't listen but it is possible to get an assessment by proxy since you have witnessed much of your BIL's behaviour. This may give you some closure and aloow to stay away without guilt. If your BIL really has NPD he will never seek therapy anyway and all assessments in these cases are done by proxy. Good luck with it and let me knwo if you want to do the questionnaire.

Best wishes,
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

shrek
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Re: Please help

Post by shrek » Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:15 pm

Hi Beth,
How do we go about the assessment? Are you a therapist?

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Please help

Post by Beth McHugh » Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:40 pm

Hi Shrek, just go back to the home page either via clicking on "click to return to YourOnline Counselor at the top of this page, or type in youronlinecounselor.com into your webbrowser which is how you got here initially.

You can read all about how I work there and read my credentials in About Us. I am a university trained psychologist but that is all on the home page for you to read. You can even see what I look like!

Also you can read all my articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the website so you can understand the condition and also how I work with people who have been exposed to the toxic environment of the narcissist.

best wishes,

Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

shrek
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Re: Please help

Post by shrek » Thu Jan 13, 2011 9:22 pm

Dear Beth,
I will chek it out. Give me some time. Thanks. Eve

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Please help

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jan 14, 2011 7:22 am

Hi Eve,
Take your time to read the articles as well as the many comments that others have made. The more you know about NPD the easier it will be in the long term to extract yourself from the situation you find yourself in and begin to take back your power.
Best,
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

shrek
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:45 pm
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Spam Sum: 15

Re: Please help

Post by shrek » Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:43 am

Hi Beth,
I just wonder if I have enough information to be able to answer all the questions in your assessment questionnaire. How much will it cost? I don't have paypal and I always pay in cash. I can pay in cash though. Let me know.

Thanks, Eve

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Please help

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:19 am

Hi Eve,
As a diagnosis of a potential narcissist is almost always done by proxy via a family member, I do not think you will have a problem. The narcissist will never go to therapy as there can be nothing wrong with them in their minds. The questionnaire contains symptoms of other disorders so there can be no "fudging" of answers, and having spent time with this man, you will have no difficulty recognising the signs that I would be looking for.

As this is an online service I can't do cash. It is free to join Paypal and costs nothing to use it. I pay a service fee to them. It is a safe way to exchange money and all transactions by you are protected. Just go to Paypal.com and check out the site. There is really no other way to manage the financial side of things as I deal with clients all over the world.

Hope this helps,

Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

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