narcissistic mother and enabling father

[sunny]

LONG! My story/vent!!

I am not sure how active these threads are but I will post anyway
I was raised with a narcissistic mom, as the title states. I am the oldest of four girls. My mother from the time I was little had to dominate her sphere of influence and be in complete control. And she had to receive little voluntary emotional and physical deferments every day, whether solicited by her directly or not. Life was @#!*% and home was a tense, cold, on alert- 24 /7 trap.

FOR example of the tokens of our loyalty- Like coming to her to tell on someone else, or report any kind of activity another family member said or did, that was not wrong in and of itself, you just knew mom would be pleased at your loyalty(ugh!) proven by stabbing someone else in the back. She would then go to that person later, after putting her own nasty spin on whatever she heard and say, ' so and so told me 'blank' that you said/did. Is that true? don't even TRY to lie, b/c I have asked God to show me when you are doing something wrong' or'be sure your sin will find you out' that is what the Bible says' and proceed to grill, interrogate, elicit a confession from the person under attack(that her version is the truth of course) that they are guilty of SOMETHING, (and she got it if it took hours or days just to shut her up and get the process over with,true or not), then impose new 'standards' 'consequences' basically rules and more hoops to hop through or else.... Throughout these DAILY ocurrences, one was required to look her in the eye with proper shame and guilt visible-anything else garnered shrieking about rebellion, proper respect and honoring ones parents or death, her job being to address my sin nature because discipline is a sign of love, for my own good, I'm just like her mother,((!))
( an alcoholic who abandoned her kids aka my mom. after my granpa had an affair and divorced her, so the kids ran the streets for a while, then she married a sexual predator and alcoholic who would routinely rape, molest and brutally beat the kids, making them sit on the floor, not furniture, and locking them out of house all day, in the country, rain or shine. )
I was 'like' her as a child, though(?)....I look nothing like her and I am not an alcoholic, adore my sweetie after 8 years still, love my children..ugh!

Anyway,then would come smacking and the silent treatment, with evil looks, reputation sabotage, and snide comments to ANYONE who(she thought) was 'on her side', at church, school, friends of the person's-even as a teenager, work. The rest of the family was expected to follow suit in the treatment, agree with her, join in and a person was basically free game- she would sit back and watch like she didn't care b/c one now 'deserved' it. She was mad always. She was suffering in her anger. Therefore so must everyone else be angry and show her pity for all she had to put up with.

If a person in the family chose to be kind or nice to the one fallen from grace, they were either courted by her suddenly sunny charming smile and sudden friendship to 'her' side-we were all starving for affection, so of course, she 'won'- she would even walk away with the would be kind person at her side chanting in triumph-'I win, I win, I ALWAYS win!!'
That is a small example of the loyalty tokens you had to offer.

And, of course their was the fun little game of whether she 'accepted' the usual offerings, or rejected one coldly after she did her damage, requiring more 'work' emotionally, more hoops to jump through, more doing ABC to get 'blank' from her- often just being treated with any kind of civillity filled the blank part-like 'the Queen is pleased, you may now kiss my hand' and the next minute roaring 'Off with your head!!' for no deserved reason except that the pleased feeling she got from watching one grovel for her didn't seem to last very long, and the minute any relief or childish joy that things were now seemingly 'ok' came through, she would torque up the pressure with more insistent demands or drill YOU now about some imagined suspected rebellious thought she was sure she had seen on your face at any given time(or whatever the 'issue' was). She fancied herself particularly discerning that way(her catch phrase,ugh)and an excellent judge of character.(!)
I have had wooden spoons broken over me as a child, slapped, pinched, jerked around, cheeks squeezed together, screamed at with the spit in my face.. then had her claim she didn't spank us very much when we were little?! She made that declaration in the middle of two of my adult younger sisters and I and our husbands(who she never talks to, even when they are in the room,btw, just about them), and said with total confidence(total amnesia too)!!! We were trying to talk about OUR kids, nothing about her at all... We all stared at her then to my surprise, the other sister who got a lot of crap,like myself, but still acts loyally usually, AND the Golden child(one of them) both said 'what??? yeah right, mom!' and, 'oh, yes, you did!!
She could not believe she had been contradicted so blatantly, even by her pet, but didn't dare take on all three of us with her usual 'evidence' dredging, temper tantrums etc especially not with my husband there, whom she hates, but will not cross. She left.My dh has a degree in psychology, and he spotted her a mile away, but she very determindly says she doesn't believe in psychology, not biblical(here we go!) or depression..or fill in the blank issue, all is just self pity or unconfessed sin..ugh!
He has never been arrogant, rude or anything but repectful, calls her maam, despite her coldness- she hates it, because she can't find anything tangible to be wrong with him. She literally makes stuff up if she doesn't get her daily updates and tells everyone and I mean EVERYONE her demeaning stories as if it was truth. I have every former acquaintance back East thinking this elaborate story about my husband and I that is like its about a totally different couple, total fiction- and she convinced everyone after we moved out west he was physically abusive, drug addict and alcoholic , and the reason I wasnt talking to her or dad was because he woudnt let me-ugh! that he held some kind of terror control over me and was pure evil with snake oil... No, he doesnt drink, gave up smoking when we had our first baby, never did drugs b/c he watched his bro fry his brain with them and chose not to,...and he dotes on me and is so kind to me and the kids... compared to what I grew up with, I am in heaven despite the financial hardship. when we lost the cars during the economy downturn and we were still recovering from his unemployment phase, he walked 5 miles through city when we didn't have bus money to get food at the store and then walked or rode the bus - EVERY day, without complaining and tried to play with the kids a little- even if he did fall asleep while they read to him their books or color lol, or snugggled on the couch watching a cartoon with him,,aw, darn, here I go... he is a good man to me and very physically affectionate too, which was new to me at first, but I love it:).
When she was visiting with my sisters a few years ago, he showed up from work with some flowers for me along with the nights bbq groceries and my favorite chocolate bar with a big sweet kiss, (he knew I was stressed with her there of course)- which he does when he saves his spare change, he doesn't care if there are people there or if it is just us... But in front of Mom..ugh, bad. She was livid and so jealous she could hardly see straight. And she gave my Dad the silent treatment until he went to buy her flowers too, which were all she could talk about.

He had left the military and couldn't find a job with the economy the way it was. So we moved far away and got a good job, until the company downsized....he was laid off. She used that as evidence of his incompetence to care for his family, and when we lost our home and vehicles, and I refused to talk to her about the situation in any detail because of 'I told you so!' attitude, and the old 'I am always right, or I always win!!' thing, even cut off all communications to realign myself and the family(STRESS!!) since I couldnt handle her interrogations and suspicions(let alone blatant lies and remarks about my dh) AND everything my family was going through.
She convinced my father that in the last phone call we had had that reading between the lines' she had 'discerned' that I was in distress(no, really?? hmmm, maybe HER grilling me and not taking NO for an answer?? Or maybe insisting my hubby had SERIOUS issues that SHE and EVERYBODY else there could see,...yeah, right, mom) and I had to reexplain that no, she was totally offbase, there was just a lot of downsizing, which led to no jobs, which leads to no house, to no cars...ugh! But no-it HAD to be the evil no good careless husband all along, to prove she had been right all along about me 'eloping' with 'that boy' she refused to meet!...after an engagement, as a grown woman, on my own(no, I just married him despite 'her' not showing up at the wedding or giving me the scriptural 'blessing'...), and to clinch it, when I did not call her back within the week we were notified to leave our home or answer her phone calls after the continued pressure, and we were(sigh) finally forced to leave our home, she freaked out on dad until he called around my city for info and found out we were gone from our home. OH heyday- juicy details to add to her story! Then they threatened to call the police if I did not respond immediatly, they would assume i was in physical danger- through my email! What?? Because I didn't call you that week?? Kinda busy, not really wantin to tell someone who will announce it to the world...hello!
They THEN called my dads relative in my city who rarely speaks to my father (I wonder why?), but owns a chain of the same stores in this city that my husband was then working at for a different owner(who my uncle knew-not in a friendly way) , and told him what they had 'found' out about our 'situation' mixed in with their interpretation and hateful assumptions about my husband himself. my relative, out of humoring my dad( ),decided to contact the OWNER of my husbands store and asked WHY he had hired a crazy person to work there, then made a crack at the owners taste in employees, like he was desperate or something, hiring anyone off the street.
My husband was called in to stand before the OWNER,(who needless to say was seriously irked at my relative's needling and the embarrassment my family was causing him, (UGH!) ) and in front of the regional manager, the store manager, and his assistant, and the floor managers currently on shift, demanded dh to explain to him WHY he had family members coming to see him claiming he was close to a murderer who had buried his wife and kids in the desert somewhere..that they knew he had lost his house and what exactly was going on, and it better be good... UGH! UGH! UGH! SO humiliating for my sweet hubby, a complete SHOCK to walk into that... Tried to explain my mom is a crazy manipulative witch who had been trying to get at him and our marriage since before we married...he was met with the raised eyebrow..
I think I watched him, my tall manly military vet shrink about 3 inches when he told me what his boss said MY PARENTS said about him... then said I had to come visit his work with the kids to PROVE we were alive and physically ok!! Or the police were going to be called..oh, and he put under investigation with the company, too, to see if there was ANY reason for such extreme claims...ugh!!! And he would be fired if family interfered with work again...
Of course the investigation was dropped, and he still works there- in fact, he rose to assistant manager at the company and will be managing his own store this summer- he took the store as assistant manger from #33 to #2 in overall standings in the company, #1 in certain specific areas, and has saved them a ton of money, and caught some thieves who were running the store into the ground.... Needless to say, he has received awards now, and been invited to the owners bonus dinner to be publicly recognized for his work. i could go on, but I am writing a book here as it is...jk
DH said to me ''the best way to prove people like your mom wrong is to succeed despite them...and let's not go there again..' their behavior just motivated him to be a better man, not give up, get scared of 'what they would do next', or whatever else .
My parents were cut off completely after an icy confrontation, they claimed they had 'valid' reasons' to take the actions they took, did not do anything wrong, WE were wrong(unspecified though as to how), and could only 'have a relationship with us if we (dh specifically) reconciled with them and apologized(WHAT??), THEY were the parents, deserving biblically of respect, and would NOT apologize since their motives were right. Almost getting him fired and SLANDERING him is RIGHT motives??

Questioning them and saying they were incorrect in their actions and pointing out the damage they had caused- and a very, very bad time for him to be unemployed AGAIN! Thank God he did not get booted out the door based on their stories. We pointed out the 'precious' grandbabies would have been homeless? Why not financial help instead of meddling with his job connections negatively? OH NO! We all know you can;t give money to help people who are addicted, right?? Brother...So how was there concern there again? Of course we were told we were 'impertinent' and 'disrespectful' and 'if we only knew how upset they were' and the consequences were 'not their fault' therefore 'there was nothing to be sorry about on their end' UGH! They were 'disappointed in us, STILL think dh is WRONG and MANIPULATING THE SITUATION to make them look bad. That everyone else they know would SAY THE SAME thing- people who have never met my hubby or I only know through my parents, mom mainly, and only have had her perspective on me and dh for oh 6 years now??
I could go on. They contacted me recently through a social site, but when I held to my guns and refused to give out address or phone number info the guilt tripping, snipes and religious lectures on forgiveness and reconciliation started. They acted like nothing had happened previously- I know it is my mom puppeteering my dad like always, or he catches @#!*% for it from her behind the scenes, but he goes along with her full hog nowadays, like he wants to believe her, and please her, just tired of fighting her and the anger, no kids home anymore- supporting his spouse, he says. Which means to attack me and discredit me, takes out his full frustration on me that i won't TRY to make mom, or him happy, or show RESPECT, as they define it..- the old childhood ritual... Mom always said to him I would try to get between them(?) if he talked to me or defended' me about anything, and she would grill and berate him in private for every detail of the conversattion. It always had to include her, and she was convinced it was about her. He always gave, and said nothing when she would rip me apart for it later.
I live across the world from them now, and am getting attacked by them and everyone else I ever knew from church and family and family friends whom they have gone with their 'grieved and sad, sad' tale of my lies and deceit and dishonor and refusal to let them see their grandchildren. Mind you- not MY children- THEIR grandchildren..mom's mainly, of course- dad is just her willing mouthpiece and her in the third person in her conversations... her way of adding 'weight' to her guilt trips...'dad is so grieved right now with you...' etc.
Anyway. Thanks for letting me vent. I am so glad it is not just me and I am not crazy. I could list so much more here, but this is already so long...thanks to everyone for having the courage to post... I still have a sneaking fear of getting 'caught' and 'catching it' and for 'telling ' UGH!
Sunny

[whatisnormal]

The thing that seems consistent w/ NM's is drama, isn't it? Wow! What a story! So sorry you are going through this w/ your NM, but it does sound like you have the support you need from your hubby. Sounds like NC is wise in your case...but it sounds like maybe you have actually been in contact online in some fashion? I kind of look at it as an all or nothing thing, or it will get messy...N's cannot handle anything requiring consideration or doing the right thing on their part. They must have boundaries set FOR them, not by them. If you react to a friend invitation from an N, they think they have controlled you, and in a sense they have. I wouldn't personally respond to them online or otherwise, probably for the rest of my life, if I were in your shoes. The thing w/ your hubby's job would have been the deal breaker of all deal breakers...no contact at all, they would be dead to me for all practical purposes.

I know what you mean w/ the skewed view of you and your family through all those who only have your NM's descriptions to draw from. I actually received a Christmas card this year from one of my NM's friends...she hand wrote a note about how Christmas was a time to be around friends and FAMILY (underlined). From the moment I went no contact, or from the moment my NM and her NM realized I was NC, they both did their best to spread the word of their victimization to all their peeps...basically anyone who would listen to and "you poor thing" them. It's disgusting, but being NC is a happier way of life for me than having a relationship w/ my NM and her NM, even if it means they are spreading rumors about me and using me to get attention for themselves. The folks who choose to believe lies about me aren't my kind of peeps anyway, so NM and her NM are doing me a huge favor by weeding them out.

[sunny]

You are right about the NC thing- the social site obviously blew up in my face..SUprise, SUprise, suprise! My dh noticed my stress level was up and anxiety attacks started again out of the blue- yeah, had those all childhood too, and they disappeared when I married and moved away, unless I talked or saw my NM... so he knew something was BAD again, kind of obvious..he very gently asked me what was going on with my parents...I hadn't told him because I was 'trying' not to stress him out, knew he would get mad over their latest...and felt guilty, like I had betrayed him somehow. Yeah. i know better now. Accepting friend request. BIG mistake.#1. You are spot on all the way around.
DH said I had blossomed overnight when we went straight NC right before the whole my parents almost got him fired fiasco. Like there was a bit of sunshine in my face. We were starting over again, we were being upbeat and then... THEM. Well you know what happened.
So DH basically said, very sweetly, despite being frustrated with me- poor man-this was another ploy to get at me, and our family, and if their behavior during our 'hard times' wasn't enough on its own two feet, to show they were not safe to communicate with, unhealthy relationship. He wanted to know why I had even accepted her friend request. A valid concern on his part. He didn't tell me to defriend or any thing- he just said we couldn't protect our family if I didn't respect the boundaries we agreed on as a team, and ultimately, it was up to me. He supports me, loves me and hates to see me in pain...and he wanted me to know as far as the kids and his job went, he would tolerate no-'stuff'-from them. He was done. With their 'stuff' lol! Not me.
Then he said he had a lot of experience with this, and the only reason I was going back is(A) b/c NM was being super sweet which(B) gives me hope she might be changing and (C) I rush to 'forgive' and give another chance and redeem myself which(D) will lead to the whole thing starting over again when she gets what she wants. He said that hope is based on an impossibility and that could be manipulated EVERY time!!
You know what is the most frustrating thing?? I have been researching this and I KNOW this now!! It is like I was still processing it though. Does that make sense? I was unsure I was interpreting things correctly unless I had some validation from...NM! And of course I won't get it. Silly silly silly. Played.
But we are NC now. completely. And I rarely even visit the social site. All my/her friends are on there and it represents my old life, the old sad scared desperate to please, me. And that is how I am still treated. Like to them i am frozen in time. I have changed so drastically I forget the 'old' manners/protocol and end up shocking people, hehe. Not like rude or whatever- just surprised I have an opinion, or defend it, or am CHEERFUL because I LIKE to be, or make decisions without consulting anyone but dh nowadays -gasp!-
BTW, that line about Christmas being a afamily time is CLASSIC!! Yeah, I have gotten that too over the years. The sad sad head shaking and 'disappointment' . OY. For JOY. lol

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Sunny,
Thanks for your long post, I bet you felt better after writing it!
How are you feeling about going NC? The main problem that people generally experience is of course the guilt, and that guilt is fostered from a young age by the NPD parent. So how are you coping with it, and/or the reactions of other people to your decision to cut ties?

Best,
Beth

[Grizelda]

I'm not Sunny but would love to comment on this subject, having been NC from my Narcissistic Mom since early '09. I was just on the families.com board, Beth, and I saw that dear Elinor had finally decided to cut ties with her NM. I've read her story with great concern and interest, and I'm glad she's reached a milestone - hopefully, it will turn out to be the right decision for her.

I believe NC has been the right decision for me. There are, of course, many problems with it, but they pale in comparison to the state of fury and exhaustion that I lived in while in contact with my demanding, never satisfied mother, who was openly scornful of me. She just kept getting more and more cruel as her "devaluation" of me continued.

All my life she had dreamed that I would be there at the end, as her constant companion/slave, and when she asked that I take her in, I refused - and it's been downhill ever since. I could go on and on with details, but suffice it to say, she hates my guts. I'm terrified of having to face her again (after writing a letter criticizing her behavior and demanding changes - to which she threw the biggest tantrum ever - and, well, that was that - NC for a year and a half now.

I'm still scared, but not as much. My husband/2 sons supported me throughout the blow-up and they know all that happened so no problems there. (They still see her occasionally and she plays mind games with the two boys, openly preferring one over the other and showering him with money/gifts while the other looks on, but it's both their decisions to continue to see her intermittently.)

My closest friends know and mostly are very supportive. Only one neighbor knows and she's a bit disapproving but has been pretty kind about staying quiet - and I fib a lot with less close friends/neighbors and acquaintances. When people ask, I just say my mom's fine but she can't get out much (she's in an assisted living facility and that helps ENORMOUSLY.) Then I prattle a bit about what a wonderful home she's in and what great care they give - then I change the subject as quickly as I can. 99% of the time, it's worked fine. When backed in a corner, I just say that we don't get along and I can't take her rages anymore so I'm spending some time apart from her.

But I need to come to my point -- I'm in the camp that NC is probably best, in most cases. UNLESS you really can emotionally distance yourself from the constant hurts that the N parent intentionally dishes out to you when you don't give in to their every whim and directive. I know every person is different, even every N, at least to some degree, but I personally think if a parent is hurting you, it may be the only solution is to "get out and stay out."

It's wonderful if you can find a knowledgeable, competent counselor, like Beth, but if you can't, due to money concerns or whatever, there's so much material on the Internet that it still may be possible to figure this out and get yourself free, depending on how damaged you are from the trauma you've been through. Looking back, I had a relatively light case because my NM was the neglectful type who was gone a lot (thank heavens!!!) and my grandmother and two aunts gave me enough love and support as a child that I made it out pretty much o.k.

Good luck to everyone - and I love to hear everyone's stories - whether NC or LC or however you work yourself through this hell on earth!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda,
Yes, Elinor finally doecided to break free, that she's had enough, but it took a while in the doing. As you say, every case is different and every narcissist is different. Many adult children of NPDs never consider going no contact because its just too hard for them. Some narcissists are tolrable if you know the right techniques and the individual is not particulary cruel. When there are many adult children in the family, it can be easier but it is horrific when there is only one child in the family, as was the case with Elinor. There, the guilt hits hard, becasue Elinor knew that if she didn't look after her mother, there was no-one else. But finally, Elinor's mother foolishly spat in her face and rejected her offer to come live with her and in doing that rather bizarre act, the penny finally dropped for Elinor. She is now happy to see her go into an aged care facility knowing that she has more than executed her duty towards her mother.

Best wishes,
Beth

[Grizelda]

I'm an only child too, and it does put a lot of burden on you. The up-side of being an only to an N, though, is they can never play the golden-child vs. scapegoat child game on you, and also, when you go NC, you have no siblings and nieces/nephews to lose (or to disagree with and fight with about your NC decision).

In my case, there was really no one I was close to that we had in common, and that is an extremely lucky position to be in, when going NC. My heart goes out to everyone who loses relationships with people they love in order to get themselves free! Hurray for Elinor! I hope her recovery is quick and smooth - retirement homes are havens for N's - loads of people to idealize and devalue, to their heart's content - and loads of people whose JOB it is to provide attention to the residents. If there's an ideal place for them, I think that's it.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Grizelda, I haven't done any research into this area so this is just my personal opinion, but I think narcissists may have a difficult time in a retirement home after a time. There are RULES there that must be followed, but they are not the narcissist's rules! Also I believe that the staff will have their favourites and once they work out that someone is manipulative and may even play one staff member off another, there may be problems for the NPD sufferer. But at least the ever-suffering Elinor and her ilk will not be the target of any narcissist rage that emerges.

And yes, there are good points to being an only child of an NPD and down sides too. The worst is just being unlucky enough to be born into that environment in the first place and yet not knowing what it is you are dealing with. Anyway, keep on with your recovery process, and talking about it is always a good way to go.

Best wishes,
Beth

[whatisnormal]

Hi, Grizelda! It's been a while! I think you are fortunate that you had the ability to put your NM in to a home. That is where part of the guilt comes into play for me w/ the NC. I hear through my brother and SIL about my NM's deteriorating health (and I also hear how her NM says it is all my fault, from the stress NC is causing her...when I of course know it is the both the natural progression of the poorly managed disease itself along w/ the stresses of her self induced financial situation...my mom has never been one to reach out to me unless she needed something, either for herself or for her NM, so I know she isn't exactly upset that I have gone NC, except for what services she no longer can get from me and any embarrassment she feels when others unknowingly ask about me...the same of which I am having to deal with from time to time). Of course I do have to take the news of her declining health w/ a grain of salt b/c both she and her NM have always greatly exaggerated their sufferings. But, just from the common sense of knowing that she has diabetes which only gets worse, not better, especailly if you aren't caring for it properly, I do know that she will continually become more and more unhealthy and feeble...at some point. I also just heard that she fell recently and broke her foot or leg. Anyway, it's in a cast. So, she looks even more like a victim and I the evil villan.



I haven't had too many people in common either that it has made NC (just over a year now)so difficult, however her two brothers and their significant others have put me on their "people they despise" list it seems. Makes me sad, but if they are doing this w/out ever even asking me my side of the story, then I cannot be too upset...it's not a big loss of someone if they aren't of strong enough character themselves to at least try to get to the truth and do the right thing. I think they mostly despise me for what they now are having to endure in my place. Better me than them, right? LOL! I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, b/c it does, but it just makes me scratch my head and wonder what is going on in their minds that they can judge me w/out knowing my side of the story.



Other than folks who I see on occassion who have no idea that we are NC, my uncles and one aunt are basically the only collateral damage from the NC that I know of. The folks not "in the know" asking me about her, though, happened to me over the weekend while attending my paternal grandparents' 70th wedding anniversary celebration. Two or three folks in our extended family on my dad's side asked where she was. I just replied "she's not here." Isn't that a silly response? It just makes me so uncomfortable, though it isn't much different than all the excuses I have had to make for her over the years anyway for why she didn't show up for this or that event (always got headaches or belly aches just before gatherings on my dad's side, but never ever a sniffle before events on her side...isn't that odd how her immune system worked?). They probably thought I was silly. I simply said I thought she was doing ok and that I had not talked to her in a while. And then like you, I quickly tried to change the subject. I'm a person who does NOT like the attention or focus directed onto me, don't like the spotlight at all, and in those moments, I all of a sudden feel like I am standing in a room of 500 people wearing nothing but my underpants! It's just so uncomfortable and it feels shameful, I guess b/c I expect if they knew the truth about NC they would hate me?



My husband was convinced she would show up and make a scene to see our toddler son (my dad's family invited her even though she hasn't shown up to anything on that side of the family in over a year). I don't think my husband grasps yet that she does not care about our son. She does not care about me. She only cares about perceptions. The actual going through the motions is a drag to her. So not worth her time. She would be more likely to come up w/ an ellaborate excuse about how she wanted so badly to come see our little one, but this or that (none of which would be her fault or w/in her control) kept her from it.



Sorry I am rambling. Just thinking more about the situation of her health, and what it is going to end up costing my family, one way or another. She has skated by w/out health insurance for as long as she probably could, I think. I think the diabetes progression is going to come quickly and expensively now. The snowball is going to gain momentum very shortly and that will be that. She has 25 acres of land that has been in my dad's family for several generations, and she has about $1200 per month in my dad's SSI. No savings. No health insurance. A new car payment (she so needed a brand new car at an outrageous price...all she could get w/ her bad credit...to get her to that job she didn't and still doesn't have) and the auto insurance that goes along w/ it. For the longest time, I didn't really think about it anymore. But lately, my very few quiet moments to myself seem to revolve around visions in my mind of what I will say to those few on her side of the family who judge me, as they watch her health decline and blame it all on me for being such a crummy daughter.



A funny aside...my SIL also recently told me that my grandmother (my NM's NM) just couldn't understand why I am acting this way, afterall she took me to Disney World when I was little. She actually said that. I knew that she was thinking that, too...I think I wrote something on here to that affect a while back, that she probably thought she owned me b/c she took me to Disney World when I was 4 or 5. It's funny how they are so simple and predictable yet so many people buy into their bull. My husband asked if she wanted me to pay her back. LOL! I just responded to my SIL that she bought a ticket to Disney World, not my soul. Her mind is very warped. I can certainly see why my NM is obsessed w/ material things, as clearly in her NM's eyes, "things" equal "love".



Anyway, thanks for the outlet here once again. It's nice to get things off my chest when "stuff" start getting deep again.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi What is normal, you are very welcome to post here to get things off your chest. One of the worst things about mental illness and in fact, probably all illnesses, is that people really don't understand and few bother to take the steps to try. Hence the comment about "but she took you to Disney World"! It's a bittersweet comment......funny , but sad. Good that you can look at the funny side of it. Hey, your mother took you to the toilet as well, don't forget that! NPDs and their acolytes will use all the good things that happened to you to brainwash you into believing that your mother is caring, but you have known on some level since you were small that that was not the case. It is all about appearances and they are more interested in inanimate objects than people. I always believe that NPD mothers in particular would be better off with dolls than children, then no psychological damage can be done.

No contact can be hard, I will be writing an article on that issue in the near future so stay tuned!

Best wishes,
Beth