narcissistic mother and enabling father

[whatisnormal]

Thanks, Beth. Wow, that's an interesting statement about dolls, because that is what I have always felt like in the presence of my N grandmother...not really a person, but a limp, lifeless doll, an object. As a child, I was supposed to look cute and perfect and my purpose was solely for her entertainment and amusement. I should have no opinions or voice other than what I have been programmed to think/feel...by her, or by my own NM on her behalf. It's just infuriating to think about at this point, it makes me very sad and angry, and I want to stand up for the child that I was.

It has been interesting seeing the reaction to children entering the scene in recent years who haven't been groomed by NM to act like robots for NG. My neice and nephews for instance. They are beautiful, wonderful, highly energetic and free thinking little angels. NM's and NG's worst nightmare! SIL tells me that when NM and NG have watched their oldest son that he is miserable...calls home often and never wants to go w/ them in the first place. Such a stark contrast to my little guy who LOVES seeing his paternal grandmother and his maternal (my dad's parents) great grandparents. He lights up when I just say their names. That's what I want for him...not the dread and anxiety I used to feel about being w/ my maternal grandmother.

I look forward to the article on NC very much. While I can appreciate the bliss of just not having to deal with them directly on a day to day basis, the reality is that I do have to deal with them in my mind (anxiety, guilt, old memories, etc.) and when others out of innocent curiosity ask about them. I wish there were some sort of instructional on what to say to folks who ask that will turn the conversation away from the topic of NM w/out making anyone feel too awkward or suspicious even that there is anything wrong. It does make me wonder what is she saying to people who ask her about me, and who innocently make statements like "I bet you just cannot get enough of that little grandbaby." While I am doing my best to turn the topic away from her in these situations, I'll bet she's putting on quite a theatrical performance for her audience. That's another thing mentally that I do deal with...what are others thinking about me.

Anyway, thanks again for the venue for venting. It helps!

[Grizelda]

Hello, whatisnormal! It's so good to see you again.

I have this same problem about other people - worrying they'll ask me. I suppose since it's been a year and a half and I'm more comfortable with the NC, I tell myself that it's easier now - I just say she's fine/the home's fine/what a great place it is... Then if they ask more, I just say that she gets so upset with me that I can't really handle being around her very much (mention her actual dx of Alzheimers). Mostly I rush to change the subject.

I don't know about your mom's financial situation, but kids are almost never forced to pay for their parents care. Medicaid covers nursing home if the doctor says it's necessary (and if there's some money but not enough, there can be a "Miller Trust" set up, where the trust takes the patient's income, gives it straight to the home and then the gov't makes up the shortfall.) Of course, first, she'd have to use all her assets, including home (unless husband or caretaker lives in it for a year first), and that would decimate any inheritance.

Well, you probably know more about this than I do, but I hope the situation improves - and a definitely hope and pray you don't end up as your mother's caretaker - that would be horrible! Take care!

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Whatisnormal and Grizelda, There are two issues going on here when there is a problem with telling others why you don't have much contact, or any, with your mother. First, it is important to be sure that your parent does actually have NPD. I have many clients come to me for help with coping with their NPD parent. After a diagnostic assessment, usually a definite diagnosis by proxy of NPD can be made. But in a significant number of cases, the parent does not have NPD at all, but another disorder entirely. This naturally affects the way a client should best deal with the parent in question.

The second issue is that, once a positive diagnosis is made, there is no reason why an adult child of a narcissist parent cannot tell selected people of their choosing what the problem actually is. There is no need to protect your parent and it is no reflection on you to have a parent who has NPD.

As many clients bemoan the fact that they wish they had known about narcissism many years ago and why it is not better publicised, one of the problems is that, as with most mental illnesses, people don't want to talk about it. Hence more people suffer needlessly in the dark.

Obviously, some people will not be interested to hear that your parent has NPD, but others will. But clearly it is important to get an accurate diagnosis, both for the sake of your own peace of mind and to learn better ways to deal with the reality of this disorder.

Article on the benefits and pittfalls of going No Contact coming soon!

[ONLYWANTLOVE70]

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