Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

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Kworld
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Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by Kworld » Wed Dec 09, 2009 2:19 pm

I really just have a question that I cannot seem to find the answer to. Do I send my mother a Christmas Gift?

I have been working for 3 years with the effects of my narcisstic mother and have gone through all the motions. Finally this month, the actual reality came. The fantasy of the mother I wanted and the reality of the mother I have, became present at the same time. I hit a grieving process for a week or two. That sounds short but I had already been working through the emotional part of detachment and breaking the enemeshment way before that. Right now, I am again on the "outside" of my mother. However, this time I know I was right and I know she was absolutely, out of line. Of course, no apology from her or remorse of any kind. But even with all the good that has come out of the absolute seperation. I am struggling with the Christmas gift question.

The only way I can rationalize my even wanting to send one. Is that I finally, understand, it is what it has always been. She'll never change. And quite frankly, I don't care if she does or doesn't anymore. However, I am raising my own children. To treat people as they would like to be treated. Even though, she probably won't talk to me for another year, or maybe two this time... if I am lucky maybe five years from now.

Still the question, remains. Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?
For just the hell of it... I think I also might enjoy sending her a gift, just to rub it in. She is no longer in control of anything I do!! Like a celebration of freedom. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

NPD Survivor

Grizelda
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by Grizelda » Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:37 pm

I've been "no contact" with my Narcissistic mother for nearly a year, but I've sent her presents for her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas. I have something sent by Amazon and have them put on the gift card, "Merry Christmas from DH, me, son1, son2."

I guess I don't want her to be able to honestly say I don't even send gifts to her - oh, and my sons can know she got something from the whole family so they can give her something extra or not.

It just seemed too "in your face" for me to not do it - but I understand that it might be just enough of a hint of Narcissistic Supply (and continued affection) that it might trigger more hoovering (attempts to pull me back into the web.)

I'm happy for you that you've come so far in your detachment! I've still got some weird emotions going on that I'm not sure are guilt or fear or embarrassment. What a mess this disorder makes of people's lives, especially the poor children of N's. :|

Beth McHugh
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by Beth McHugh » Wed Dec 23, 2009 11:41 am

Regarding the Christmas present dilemma, as you have come such a long way in your journey it probably doesn't matter too much one way or the other. Especially this year. There are other years to decide to stop gift giving. If you have got to the point that you are not greatly affected by your mother anymore so that she doesn't hold that same sense of victory and attention-getting that a present gives her, then her power over you has been curtailed. If you no longer care then her react to your present can no longer hurt you.

Hope this helps!

Best wishes,
Beth
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shrek
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by shrek » Thu Sep 02, 2010 6:54 pm

Before I answer your question,I want you to know that I believe in God and I am a Catholic. I remember a priest saying on mother's day that no matter how terrible our mothers or father's are,no matter how wrong they are..one thing for sure-"the love is always there".

Grizelda
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by Grizelda » Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:16 am

About the priest who said mothers always love their children - what about Casey Anthony, Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, the recent case in Georgia I believe where the woman put her two sons, both under age 5, in a vehicle and let it roll into the lake, drowning the boys? Mothers don't always love their children. Some are incapable of loving anyone.

Beth McHugh
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jan 14, 2011 12:23 pm

This is an excellent point Grizelda. We are all brainwashed from birth to love and honor our parents but unfortunately that supposes that our parents are in fact, lovable and honorable. This is what makes it so hard to deal with a narcissitisitc parent because, during therapy, you are required to go against all our natural instincts. We have to let go of the idea that our mothers or fathers will one day love us and we have to put up with those who do not understand that some parents are indeed toxic and need to be either avoided or somehow psychologically contained so that they do minimal damage. All this takes time and all therapy is by nature slow and steady so that recovery is real and not temporary and driven by anger or fear.

Best,
Beth
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jes1964
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Re: Do I send my NPD mother a Christmas Gift?

Post by jes1964 » Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:13 am

I want to respond to both issues raised in this thread: Gifts to NPDs and the myth of the loving mother.

I sent gifts for one year after I went NC with my sister - against my better judgment. Christmas gifts were another issue on which I saw my sister's horrible treatment of me through the years - For years, I spent hundreds, sometimes thousands, of dollars on gifts through the year for my sister and her family. They did not have the same economic blessings I had and often never reciprocated, but that was fine - I didnt' give to get, i gave because I wanted to. Let me say too that I don't particularly like gifts - I'd rather time well-spent together - but my sister is extremely materialistic and so I always gave her presents. The last straw for me was the year I went NC - my sister's husband had recently lost his job and she was worried that her kids wouldn't have any presents. I was at her house one day when she was saying this to some friend of hers on the phone. When she got off the phone, I told her that of course her kids would have presents - "Don't I always get them lots of presents and don't other family members, as well?" She sort of blew me off then. The next day we went to some event- a recital or something, the reason I was in town - and when we came home there was a pile of presents, one for each member of my sister's family. My sister put on this big show of gratitude, called a couple of friends and found out who had done this - of course, it was the friend she had been on the phone with - and just expressed all this gratitude. This irked me as, to this day, i don't recall ever hearing a thank you from her for anything. But, I said not a word, until she came to me to chastise me because I was joyous enough - "Wasn't that the nicest thing anybody's ever done? No one's ever given my family gifts before!" i then pointed out that that wasn't true, that I gave her family many, many gifts at Christmas and through the year, every year, and my sister, waved her hand at me and said, "Yeah, but that's just what you're supposed to do." I pointed out that no, it was not - I had a choice and chose to give them gifts. She very angrily told me that I was wrong, that I had never done anything for her that I was not supposed to do and not even that always!
Well, that was the end of gift- giving for me! I rarely give gifts now - I just don't feel the desire too and I don't force it.

On the myth of the "always loving Mother" - what a crock!! I've lost several friends because they argue with me, "That's your mother! How can you not talk to her?" I've spent hours in conversation trying to get them to see that although they have pleasant memories - and a few bad memories - of their mother, my experience is different. I have no good memories of my mother - there is nothing "good" she ever did that did not later turn out to be a lie, intended to induce guilt, or to manipulate me. She never prepared me for the most basic functions in life, much less relationships or other more advanced things.
In nature, some animals will eat their young. So it is with humans. If my mother were at risk of any kind, not even her life, she'd give me up in a heartbeat - She in fact did so in a million different ways all my life.
So, no, not all mothers love. Period.

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