Dealing with Narcissistic Mother

[Whinunatined1945]

I would like to get some advice. My mother most likely has NPD, based on what I have read about it. She is so self-absorbed and will lie, cheat and steal from her own kids to make sure she gets what she wants. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

She has emotionally and physically abused me since childhood...and it still goes on. She is 65 years old, having to live with my sister (whom she favored considerably when we were growing up) because she is so financially irresponsible and can't hold a job for more than a few weeks. My sister owns her own home, is single, and has a good-paying job. She only has herself to worry about. On the other hand, my husband and I (who are still trying to recover from a layoff and huge cut in pay when he did find work) have two children that we are trying to take care of. I feel like my first responsibility is to my own children, not to some adult who will not grow up and take responsibility for herself. She expects all of us to take care of everything for her, and tells other people what bad daughters we are because we don't totally support her. She is 65 (but this has been going on for years), not disabled, and in good health...she just doesn't feel like working and taking care of herself.

My question is: should I feel obligated to help support her when I have my own children to worry about?

[Beth McHugh]

I would like to get some advice. My mother most likely has NPD, based on what I have read about it. She is so self-absorbed and will lie, cheat and steal from her own kids to make sure she gets what she wants. She has no regard for anyone but herself.

She has emotionally and physically abused me since childhood...and it still goes on. She is 65 years old, having to live with my sister (whom she favored considerably when we were growing up) because she is so financially irresponsible and can't hold a job for more than a few weeks. My sister owns her own home, is single, and has a good-paying job. She only has herself to worry about. On the other hand, my husband and I (who are still trying to recover from a layoff and huge cut in pay when he did find work) have two children that we are trying to take care of. I feel like my first responsibility is to my own children, not to some adult who will not grow up and take responsibility for herself. She expects all of us to take care of everything for her, and tells other people what bad daughters we are because we don't totally support her. She is 65 (but this has been going on for years), not disabled, and in good health...she just doesn't feel like working and taking care of herself.

My question is: should I feel obligated to help support her when I have my own children to worry about?

Hi Whin,
In these sorts of situations, I always use the aircraft analogy: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on your children. Although the instinct is to do it the other way around, this method is there for a reason. The parental figure must survive so as to look after the children.

In the case of the narcissistic parent, it is imperative that you look after yourself first, THEN your husband and children. Your mother must come last, and only if it is warranted and valid. You need to create a new family template which is different from the one you grew up in, and that includes learning to set boundaries with narcissistic parents. It may help if you can spend time with your sister to talk about coping skills, however if you would like help with learning boundaries with your mother and indeed, letting go of the grief involved in having a narcissistic mother, you can check out my website by clicking the link above or going to http://www.youronlinecounselor.com/index.htm

It's very challenging having a narcissistic parent, but it's important for your own children that either patterns aren't repeated and a new set of behaviors are observed by little eyes on better ways to deal with manipulative people.

Best wishes,
Beth