Narcissistic Mother just died, I need help.

[juliepoolie71]

I am having all sorts of emotional issues since my mother just died. She did a lot of bringing up every bad thing that has happened to me and asking me how so in so was (usually a person that had caused a lot of pain for me). She did die suddenly and I had been at the stage of not seeing her or talking with her via phone or in person, only texts where she usually wasn't mean. But now I am going though all of those feelings of not being good enough and a lot of anger because of the things she took away from me. My 22 year old son didn't answer my texts last night and I immediately went to the "I'm a horrible mother, and he hates me." feelings because my mother would play "Silent Treatment Game" with me. She would tell people "Just don't talk to her, it drives her crazy, it's really funny." But now when I don't get an answer from someone I love I see it in the same way or more extreme even, I feel like I want to run away or disappear and see if they even show signs of missing me or wanting me home, my child self says they won't. So I just need some words of encouragement that maybe this will get better. I know the abuse and horrible things she said to me have stopped but I don't feel like they have, And I find myself mourning the loss of what never was and I always was holding out hope for, a normal mother/daughter relationship where we could go on trips and have fun together. So anyway, I just really need some help.

[Beth McHugh]

I am having all sorts of emotional issues since my mother just died. She did a lot of bringing up every bad thing that has happened to me and asking me how so in so was (usually a person that had caused a lot of pain for me). She did die suddenly and I had been at the stage of not seeing her or talking with her via phone or in person, only texts where she usually wasn't mean. But now I am going though all of those feelings of not being good enough and a lot of anger because of the things she took away from me. My 22 year old son didn't answer my texts last night and I immediately went to the "I'm a horrible mother, and he hates me." feelings because my mother would play "Silent Treatment Game" with me. She would tell people "Just don't talk to her, it drives her crazy, it's really funny." But now when I don't get an answer from someone I love I see it in the same way or more extreme even, I feel like I want to run away or disappear and see if they even show signs of missing me or wanting me home, my child self says they won't. So I just need some words of encouragement that maybe this will get better. I know the abuse and horrible things she said to me have stopped but I don't feel like they have, And I find myself mourning the loss of what never was and I always was holding out hope for, a normal mother/daughter relationship where we could go on trips and have fun together. So anyway, I just really need some help.

Hi Julie,
First I'd like to say how sorry I am that your mother has died. No matter the relationship you had with her, she was your mother and the only mother you had. The fact that it has happened suddenly is difficult for anyone, but particularly when there are unresolved issues in place. Naturally you also feel not good enough, because that is the way you have been programmed to feel, and those thoughts and feelings do not go away just because someone has died. I would suggest that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal, but it is painful because you have had a difficult relationship with your mother. I know you say the horrible things she did to you have stopped, but they are still in your head and need to be challenged. This would be the case whether your mother was alive or deceased. If your mother sulked as a form of control, it is also natural for you to react the same way when others don't respond to your calls, etc. It's also normal for you to have gone on hoping for a normal mother/daughter relationship. Not only has her death prevented this from happening, but the reality is, it was never going to happen. But narcissists give a little and withhold a lot, and it's like playing a slot machine and a very powerful drug that keeps you wanting that love and to keep hoping and coming back each time a crumb is extended.

The best thing to counteract what is happening is to read over all the articles I have written on NPD on the main website and see if this rings true for you. Things will get better! It may help to have a few counseling sessions since you were still in the hopeful stage when your mother died and this needs to be let go of. When that happens, things improve markedly. But it is a process as you have to undo the thinking of a lifetime. But it's habitual thinking and it can be done.

Let me know If I can be of assistance in terms of counseling to get you out of this space as quickly as possible. In the meantime, read up on NPD.This will help a lot.
Best wishes,

Beth